Could do with an outsiders opinion on this situation?

[shakalakadoodah]

Me and DH have been married for nearly 3 years and have a DS together who is 7mo, we have had quite a stressful life together with our jobs, house moves and financial problems over the years. DH has a habit of going into what I used to call 'sulks' but now realise he gives me the silent treatment whenever we have a difficult time, if plans don't go his way or if I criticise him in some way.

This has happened on and off throughout our relationship and I have stupidly always thought it will be ok when this or that happens, its just his reaction to difficult times.

When we had DS he kind of shut down and on and off over the first few months for up to 2 weeks at a time he'd give me the silent treatment. So for example in the first few weeks I had a screaming baby who would only settle on me, with absolutely no help from DH and no one to talk about. The only relief I got was when my DM came to visit and realised what was happening. Unfortunately it now all feels like a blur to me so I don't know if my opinion of what happened is warped by my DM who can be a bit over dramatic. I can't get over the way he has behaved and I nearly left him but we agreed I would take some time out to stay with my DM and to work through my personal problems, but he is now starting to get impatient with me and I can understand that. I feel like I'm being a bit pathetic and weak running away from all our problems and living in a comfortable little bubble while he is working long hours and only seeing us on his days off.

I feel as though its all my fault and I should never have married him in the first place so I created this mess and let him behave in that way so I feel responsible to sort it all out. He can't see that he has done anything wrong and PILs seem to agree with him which makes me wonder if I'm just being unreasonable and need to get a grip and get on with life.

I hope this all makes some sense and that someone can offer a different outside perspective on it all please?

So he ignored you and the baby for up to two weeks at a time when you were recovering from birth and dealing with a new born.

But he doesn't think he's done anything wrong.

And you both think that YOU need to work on your personal problems .

And you both think it's YOUR job to fix the marriage.

Is that right ?

"I feel as though its all my fault and I should never have married him in the first place so I created this mess and let him behave in that way so I feel responsible to sort it all out".

Abuse like you describe is truly insidious in its onset and its not your fault that this has happened to you. It is not your responsibility at all to sort this out; what you are describing here is his abuse of you over time. Abuse is about power and control; not a lack of communication. He probably also is quite plausible to those in the outside world as well and can be "nice" sometimes. That "niceness" does not last long and is part of the nice/nasty cycle which is a continuous one. He feels entitled to act like this and feels he has done nothing wrong here; such people cannot be reasoned with. His parents will always side with their son here; they cannot be at all relied upon to give you a fair hearing. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, one or both of them taught him how to abuse. Was not at all surprised to read that his mother is herself over dramatic; that is huge a red flag right there.

You can only help your own self and in turn your son ultimately by divorcing him. Do not go into any counselling with him jointly. Counselling for your own self would be helpful going forward.
Contact Womens Aid and the Rights of Women; they can and will help you here.

He will not make the process of separation at all easy for you and will likely try and obstruct you every inch of the way as a last ditch attempt to regain power and control.

What you describe here does not get better. What you have probably found as well is that he has upped the power and control antes against you over the years and that the abuse now from him is happening far more frequently. This is not what you want your son to learn about relationships; it would be an awful legacy to leave him.

You are not unreasonable, you do not need to get a grip but to move on with your life happily you do need to get away from your H.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE. Remember that. He crossed that line a long time ago and you and he should not be together any more.

Sorry to hear about your situation when it should be such a happy time

Others will make their opinions known, so I will confine myself to one point

This could be a really good time to involve your PILs

The father's parents can often excluded when a baby arrives - how about extending an olive branch to them, And through them, your DH may come round to some extent

Overall it does sound to me like some of the emotion needs to be taken out of all this. But if your DH cannot do this, then I agree it is not a good sign

Please try to enjoy your baby though - it seems like they are little forever, but it is surprising how quickly the time passes

What Attila said.
Trust your mum. Dramatic has it's place- this is one of them.

Sorry you are going through this, but the problems are originating with him, not you. He will do everything in his power to make you believe it is your fault. But remember you do not make him sulk: he chooses to sulk. He chooses anger.

I would go further and say be careful with your contraception (don't have another baby with him) and don't quit your job.

PILs have always been quite involved I think they started off genuinely trying to be helpful but then it became that they were compensating for Hs laziness with housework and diy, to the point of being interfering and overbearing while i was pregnant, but I was always made to feel they were just being helpful with our well being in mind. FIL has openly been very critical of my DM in public saying some very nasty things which were overheard by some she knows. MIL was visiting at the time of worst silent treatment by H and i broke down and cried in front of her she did speak to H but has often suggested he has been affected by the traumatic birth of DS, in another later conversation where I told her I couldn't get over H behaviour she said I knew what he was like when I married him and we made vows so we need to work on it. I have now distanced myself as much as possible from them but still want to be fair with letting them see their GS.

Don't go along with pil's bs of "you knew what he was like". No you didn't...abusers evolve slowly or they wouldn't ensnare anyone with a full display of who they truly are from the outset. If your relationship breaks down , then they will have to deal with him again. Consider the source of those remarks.

"I have now distanced myself as much as possible from them but still want to be fair with letting them see their GS".

I would be careful about this because of their own poor treatment towards you. Did your FIL insult your mother as well?. It will not do your son any favours at all to see his paternal grandparents disrespecting you as his mother, that will certainly send him mixed messages. His parents seem very mixed up and their son is very much a product of his own upbringing.

You did not really know what he was like when you married him. BTW did this abuse further ramp up soon after you became pregnant or when your DS was born?. Those are both flashpoints.

And your MIL is wrong on so many levels here; you do not have to work on this because there is really nothing to work on. Saying that her son was affected by the traumatic birth of your DS is no excuse (its pretty much pathetic as excuses go) or validation for how you are treated now. She has chosen to stay with her H for her own reasons and you do not have to do as she has done.

Abusive men like your H cannot be worked on or at all reasoned with. Your H is the root cause of your marriage problems now, not you.

You seem to be shouldering all the blame for your Dh's behavior and I can't see why. What do you actually think you've done to cause issues with your PILs or trigger his sulks in this way? I see nothing in your post that justifies his behavior.

I've lived many years with a H exactly like your DH, you
could be writing my story. My H's behaviour never changed no
matter what and the silent treatment misery still echoes round
my mind decades later. My H is not a bad man, it's just
the way he is. I divorced him and life is less stressful and less
miserable.
If I was in your shoes I wouldn't go back.

He doesn't sound supportive of you

Why do you want to live with someone who sulks when they don't get their own way? You've just had one child you don't need to go back to the other man child. Ltb

I've always made excuses and been lenient with the way H behaves because he moved to a different area to be with me and so I feel guilty that he gave up seeing his friends and socialising although he made new friends and still socialised a bit and had time for hobbies. I've always had in my mind that if we had less stress in our lives he wouldn't act like that which is why I try to shoulder all the blame and problems, but of course I know everyone has some stress in their lives and he needs to be able to deal with it!

He was actually great and really supportive while I was pregnant which I guess was why his behaviour when baby arrived was such a shock.

Thank you for all the advice so far I know what you're all saying is right its just so hard knowing what chaos is going to be caused by me leaving him and I want to walk away saying I have tried everything to fix it.

The silent treatment is designed to keep you in your box - you know that if you step out of line you are going to be punished with the silent treatment.

At the end of the day your boundaries are being stamped all over and your gut is screaming to you that this is wrong and making you deeply unhappy yet you are so confused- that is because abuse is very confusing - it doesn't seem like abuse does it? Well it is, it's hurting you and you deserve better

As for your PiLs well he learnt this behaviour from them so of course they will deflect it.

No support with his own newborn? The resentment will eat you up. If you go back insist he seeks help prior to your return

Google gas lighting, silent treatment and passive aggressive

"I know what you're all saying is right its just so hard knowing what chaos is going to be caused by me leaving him and I want to walk away saying I have tried everything to fix it".

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

The only chaos he will cause to you will be of his doing because he will not want you to leave. He does not want you to leave because he likes having you about to abuse. He also has a problem with anger, your anger when you call him out on this behaviour of his.

Why do you persist with the thought that this is at all fixable?. Why is this seemingly your responsibility?. Who taught you that set of damaging lessons, this is why I also ask you about what you learnt about relationships when growing up.

You are woefully underqualified to help him and besides which, he does not want your help or support. You cannot fix an abusive man, you will simply destroy your own self in an attempt to do so. Your son also cannot afford to grow up seeing his mother being abused by his dad; you cannot fully protect him from his dad's abuses of you.

Abusive men often show their true nature more when the woman (whom they regard as a mere possession) pregnant or soon after birth. They regard the woman then as being trapped.

He chose also to move to a different area (and made friends and kept up some hobbies. What about you, did you get the opportunities to do that?). That also has nothing to do with why he acts the ways he does towards you. He would have acted the same regardless of whom he is with or where he is living now. He does not think he is doing anything wrong here and feels entitled to act as he does.

Silent treatment as well is never about silence; its another form of emotional abuse done to both control and manipulate you.

Do not accept emotional abuse. Know that you are worthy of a healthy relationship with someone who can communicate in a mature, emotionally healthy manner. This man you are with cannot at all do that.

The silent treatment is not ok and not your fault. In my experience he will treat dc same. I wished I stopped it all.sooner!

Oh OP I feel for you. Sadly it is unlikely this will change. His behaviour will be so ingrained he won't even fully accept that he is at fault.

I had a dreadful maternity leave due to EA particularly the silent treatment. Of course I had no idea he'd behave like this when DS was born or I would have never had a child with him (I adore my DS and he's the reason I get up in the morning but you know what I mean).

It's a very difficult pill to swallow especially when your DS is so little. But unless he has a radical turnaround in behaviour I truly believe you would be much better off away from him

So how do I go about making the break? I'm lucky that I'm already moved in with my DM so me and DS are comfortable and safe but it seems as though i have been stringing H along and giving hope that we could work through it. I feel very pathetic and weak, I don't really know how I've got to this point!
I said that I'd go and have a few days with him and DS this week, do I still go? Use it as a chance to talk through everything?

OP like other posters my experience was uncanningly similar to yours. Abuse like this often starts after the birth of a baby. You didn't see it coming. Your MIL knows what he is like though because she has seen it knows how abusive he can be.

Your H is perfectly capable of being nice to other people. He is choosing to be abusive to you and this won't change.

I left during the first year because the verbal abuse became physical. Do not go back to him.

When reading your post I got the shivers. When I came home from the hospital after having the baby my EXH did nothing with the baby and took to his bed with 'flu'. He was no longer the centre of attention and became verbally abusive towards me.

He was always slightly prone to self pity and sulking. At one stage he didn't speak to me for two weeks. My dad rang one day and I became upset and told my dad who was livid that he had ignored me for two weeks. My dad was furious and his reaction made me realise that I was being abused.

It's a long story but I did leave soon after and I urge you not to go back. Counselling will not help him. I hope things work out for you.

I know it's a bit overwhelming and 'big' feeling. At its most simple though, do you want to go back? Are you looking forward to being with him again? Have you missed him? If not, if you are worrying about it, if you are afraid you'll say something to upset him, then don't go back. Why should you?

Don't go. Find your inner anger and stop worrying about him and how he feels. Your DM is right about him so if you can't trust yourself yet trust her opinion.

Make it clear to him that you will not tolerate his abuse. He won't like it because he won't be getting his own way and then just see how he reacts.

Don't let him rush you into anything.

The only reasons I'd go back would be because I feel sorry for him and for him to see DS.

Why does his need rank higher than yours and DSs? No need to feel sorry for him, he can look after himself. Your emotions, needs and feelings are just as important as his.

Tell him to call by and take the baby to visit PILs. See how he is with you when he calls.

Its not quite so simple because I'm staying nearly a 2 hour drive away. Would I be just as bad changing our plans at the last minute? Last week he got very moody with me for being about an hour late to meet him, although for a change he later apologised for being grumpy.

No, just tell him you aren't going. If you don't want to spend time with him, he has to understand that it's because of his behaviour.