Could do with an outsiders opinion on this situation?

[shakalakadoodah]

Me and DH have been married for nearly 3 years and have a DS together who is 7mo, we have had quite a stressful life together with our jobs, house moves and financial problems over the years. DH has a habit of going into what I used to call 'sulks' but now realise he gives me the silent treatment whenever we have a difficult time, if plans don't go his way or if I criticise him in some way.

This has happened on and off throughout our relationship and I have stupidly always thought it will be ok when this or that happens, its just his reaction to difficult times.

When we had DS he kind of shut down and on and off over the first few months for up to 2 weeks at a time he'd give me the silent treatment. So for example in the first few weeks I had a screaming baby who would only settle on me, with absolutely no help from DH and no one to talk about. The only relief I got was when my DM came to visit and realised what was happening. Unfortunately it now all feels like a blur to me so I don't know if my opinion of what happened is warped by my DM who can be a bit over dramatic. I can't get over the way he has behaved and I nearly left him but we agreed I would take some time out to stay with my DM and to work through my personal problems, but he is now starting to get impatient with me and I can understand that. I feel like I'm being a bit pathetic and weak running away from all our problems and living in a comfortable little bubble while he is working long hours and only seeing us on his days off.

I feel as though its all my fault and I should never have married him in the first place so I created this mess and let him behave in that way so I feel responsible to sort it all out. He can't see that he has done anything wrong and PILs seem to agree with him which makes me wonder if I'm just being unreasonable and need to get a grip and get on with life.

I hope this all makes some sense and that someone can offer a different outside perspective on it all please?

It is ok if you are a bitch. Don't let your good manners work to your detriment. You don't have to be a bitch, ice cold civility will work just fine.

Don't ask him if this or that is going to be ok with him. Tell him. Make your decision- your decision. This is not a joint decision and you do not need his approval, permission, validation, or buy-in in any way shape or form. He is a capable adult and will be able to cope with it as he sees fit. He may sense the break up coming and try to break up with you first. You don't really know what he is thinking because he keeps that from you (another control tactic).

When you decide something he doesn't like, he will either sulk (sometimes not a bad thing ) or he
may give you a verbal spanking (let's hope he won't go physical- but pay attention to your fear instincts). Please understand the verbal spanking is not about you. You are this, you are that...is just his tissy fit at not getting his way. Do not listen to it. Do not respond to it.

Oh, no, don't go back for even give minutes.

*five

I'm just so confused. Because there isn't something concrete like if he had cheated or said something really nasty, it just seems so silly to say its because he ignores me! But then if I say that to him he says he's just busy.

You don't need anything more than "this isn't working for me". A prime time for the " it's not you, it's me" ( quite right as you are not putting up with it anymore).
He can call you names, silly, stupid, insane, bitch, and on down the verbal loo. Again, this is his tissy fit: not about you. He wants to shame you into getting you back into your little box. Don't fall for it.

Ok, he is busy. He won't miss you then.

I think with this type of abuse you're better off just saying you're not happy and want to end the relationship rather than trying to explain that it's his behaviour that's caused the problem. People like him will tie you in knots if you try to talk rationally about their behaviour and it's effects on you and never rarely accept any responsibility for the problems they cause.

There's no point staying in a relationship which makes you feel shit though, you've already said the only reason you would go back is because you feel sorry for him and for DS to see him and that's not enough to warrant staying with someone who makes you miserable.

My advice would be to play things by the book, do as much of the separation/divorce/contact arrangements for DS through official channels and engage with him as little as possible because he will try to confuse and manipulate you if you give him the chance.

Maybe give Women's Aid a call or see a solicitor and get some advice about the best way to protect yourself and DS through the separation process. The silent treatment etc is about control and manipulation and you have every reason to assume he will use those tactics in other ways once he knows you're not coming back so protecting yours and DS's interests from the outset is vital.

Google 'stonewalling abuse'
It's not silly to not want to be abused.
It's absolutely right.
And you know he's learnt absolutely nothing as you say;
Last week he got very moody with me for being about an hour late to meet him
He won't change. Ever.
Please stay with your mum and don't go back.

Relationships are about having a connection with someone. It is about companionship and fellowship and respect. These are very basic things, yet they are not part of this relationship. It is like he wants to be a silent partner that is just in the background (or vice-versa- keep you in the background) . His choice; but that doesn't work for you- you have choice too.. You are not compatible.

You do not need a dissertation to prove your decision. "No" is a complete sentence.

Thanks everyone, you must all think I'm such a sap! If there wasn't so much involved I'd just walk away no bother and I know if it was a friend with the same problems I'd tell them to leave. As fate would have it my car has had to go into the garage and I haven't got it back yet so can't go anywhere!

You are not a sap by any means. This is a circumstance of the insidious nature of emotional abuse. Have faith in your own resolve, in yourself, and ignore the irrelevant white noise of his recriminations. You can do it.

Don't go back, he's abusive and nasty and what he has been doing to you is mentally draining and emotionally upsetting; it's not normal OP.

As has been said, he will not change, stop putting him up there because he's really not worth much; he needs a big fucken shock.

Thought I'd just post an update, I didn't go to see H on Monday as planned, but went with DS to spend a couple of days with H. We actually had a nice day out and H was like a changed man doing everything I asked of him around the house. When I commented on this he said he thought he needed to earn some brownie points.
I thought I'd use the opportunity to try and see if he was feeling bad about his behaviour etc but when I asked why he needed brownie points he said he didn't know and that he thought my opinions of him had been influenced by other people!!
I'm still feeling a bit conflicted.