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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I overreacting?

63 replies

madandsadagain · 03/06/2017 23:40

I am a long term poster but have Nc. I need to know if I am overreacting with regards to Dh. DS2 can be hard work. A few months ago, we were on holiday, and DH became very cross with DS, resulting in him grazing DS 's face (photo 1) Dh maintains that this was an accident and his ring caught his face. A few weeks ago they argued and DH caused a slight scratch to DS 's face ( photo 2). This evening they argued over ipad use and DH scratched DS 's face, close to his eye. He said DS ran into his thumb. (photo 3). Despite the excuses I feel this is inexcusable, and am really concerned that all the scratches are in the same area, and his eye is very vulnerable. I am intending to act on this now, but tell me honestly if. I am overreacting?

Am I overreacting?
Am I overreacting?
Am I overreacting?
OP posts:
Funnyfarmer · 03/06/2017 23:44

No. Your not overreacting! He's marked your child 3 times.
Why do you think you maybe overreacting?

MagentaRocks · 03/06/2017 23:45

I think you are under reacting. 3 injuries when cross/arguing. How old is ds? He needs to be protected.

DancingLedge · 03/06/2017 23:48

No you are not overreacting.

Accidents can happen, yes, but three marks on a child's face?
No, react

SaneAsABoxOfFrogs · 03/06/2017 23:49

The fact that each of these incidents is happening after arguements suggests these injuries could be deliberate. I'm not going to say I've never scratched or grazed my toddler, but it's just as likely to happen when we are playing as when he is being naughty. I do not think you are overreacting at all. Your DH is the adult here - if he can't control his actions when disciplining your son he should remove himself from the situation.

corythatwas · 03/06/2017 23:49

Of course accidents can happen. But what is very concerning here is that this is the third time an "accident" has happened in connection with an argument. Normal reasonable parents do not become physical with a small child because they are arguing.

My family has had at least two children who regularly had to be restrained, one by my dad, one by me; yet at no point did either of us cause any injury to the child, not even while restraining a violently thrashing 10yo.

DancingLedge · 03/06/2017 23:52

And photo 1 : has DH got a huge clonking ring? I mean like really massive? Cause that's a wide bruise surrounding the broken skin.

In a professional capacity, I would be referring this injury.

Original poster
madandsadagain · 03/06/2017 23:52

He's 8. I know it ridiculous, but when I am told they are just accidents I start to doubt myself. It's not right, is it? Surely 3 times in more or less the same place is not an accident

OP posts:
Babyblues14 · 03/06/2017 23:53

Why are you wasting your time taking pictures and putting them online. You should of reported him as soon as the second incident occurred, thinking that the first one WAS an accident. Why would you wait until 3???

RainbowChasing · 03/06/2017 23:53

What is your DS saying has happened each time?

One scratch to the face by accident I can imagine, but two or three incidents in the same place, in the same circumstances? The first photo looks particularly awful. That's a big swollen area for a supposed accident.

FetchezLaVache · 03/06/2017 23:53

Not over-reacting. Anything short of kicking your husband out would be under-reacting, IMO. That first photo in particular made me feel sick.

Is your husband left-handed, by any chance, as all the marks are on the right-hand side of DS's face? Is the ring he claims caused the damage his wedding ring? A wedding ring is smooth, how the hell can it catch his face and bring blood?

Tootsiepops · 03/06/2017 23:55

What does your son say happened?

Mysteriouscurle · 03/06/2017 23:55

If it was once it might be an accident. Please get this monster away from your dc and protect them. Hope you manage to get the help you need to do this.can you take uour dc to A&E/out of hours and tell them your concerns. Very important to get this documented so he doesnt get to have dc alone in the future. Good luck

DancingLedge · 03/06/2017 23:55

What are you going to do madandsad ?
I imagine this is very hard. Is there any way we can help?

Original poster
madandsadagain · 03/06/2017 23:57

Dancing - it's a regular ring. You are right, in a professional capacity I would be raising this also. Somehow the excuses have clouded my judgement. But not now.

OP posts:
joannegrady90 · 03/06/2017 23:58

Why does he harm your son when he gets cross?

Does he not talk sternly, remove privileges do time out etc?

And why are you allowing this?

CatsInKilts · 03/06/2017 23:59

You're not overreacting.

Three incidents where your DH's hand has made contact with a child's face, and coincidentally they all took place mid-argument?

"He said DS ran into his thumb"

This reminds me of the time I heard a 7yr-old attempting to convince their classmates that he hadn't hit his classmate because "He just ran into my hand!" They didn't believe it either.

DancingLedge · 04/06/2017 00:02

It's difficult to see straight when when it's your own family. No one wants to believe that, the consequences are so big.

What are you thinking is the next step? NSPCC?

Original poster
madandsadagain · 04/06/2017 00:02

D'S said tonight that he did not run into Daddy's thumb, but that Daddy scratched him. Like someone else said, accidents happen, but this is 3 times now. dS3 has a SW (disabilities, not due to anything else) who knows is fairly well, and I was going to contact her and tell her everything

OP posts:
DancingLedge · 04/06/2017 00:23

That sounds like a sound plan. I admire you for facing up to this.
Do keep on talking/ venting or whatever here, if it helps in the days ahead.

Will you be able to contact SW on Monday? I guess I'm imagining not great for you to be waiting to do this.
Flowers

Original poster
madandsadagain · 04/06/2017 00:41

Thank you Dancing, your kind words and your empathy are much appreciated. I hope to get hold of the SW on Monday, all being well. It is not ideal to be waiting to do this, but actually it is allowing me time to think, and ensure I behave rationally.

I honestly cannot believe that I am someone who supports my staff to raise AT alerts for clients, yet cannot fully see what is going on in my own family. How can that happen? He will not hurt D'S again.

OP posts:
Original poster
madandsadagain · 04/06/2017 00:43

*SG not AT

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 04/06/2017 08:02

My child has accidents all the time but we have never accidentally hurt her and left marks.

AufderAutobahn · 04/06/2017 08:30

You're doing the right thing by telling the authorities. Three similar injuries, in the same place, always after arguments ... nope, these are not accidents. The first pic especially is horrible, that would have really hurt him. Get your child out of that situation now.

C0RAL · 04/06/2017 08:34

Have you asked your DH to move out while you get advice on this?

MattBerrysHair · 04/06/2017 09:23

If they are accidents as your dh says, I don't understand how such 'accidents' are happening. Arguments in my house never involve adults man-handling the dc's faces, or any other part of them. Injuries aside, how do arguments between your ds and dh usually play out?