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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Said he would not go out with s bigger person.

55 replies

user1484573123 · 03/06/2017 20:34

We were sat watching tv, and on tv was take me out. Been with my partner 17 months. Live together. And he said I wouldn't go out with a big woman. He has said this many time in different scenarios. Now just him saying that indicates to me he is still looking?
Don't really know how to take that to be honest.

OP posts:

josuk · 03/06/2017 21:25

His comment, i think, meant nothing specific, just a preference.
If i'd been watching a dating program and there was a large man on it - i could also say to H - could never go out with a him....
And, frankly - if H completely let himself go and doubled in size (as opposed to some medical issue) - i'd not find him attractive. Similar to if he, say stopped bathing, etc.
And the opposite also applies to me.
Call it shallow, if you wish - but it's true for most people.

However - your reaction to what he said - it signals some deep insecurity. About you and your bf.
I hope you get to the bottom of that.

EeekWhat · 03/06/2017 21:26

BTW I wouldn't date someone who was very overweight - It doesn't mean that I would stop dating my DH if he became obese especially if it wasn't his fault.

caffeinestream · 03/06/2017 21:27

There's nothing wrong with saying you wouldn't date an obese person, just like there's nothing wrong with saying you wouldn't date someone shorter or someone covered in tattoos.

People are allowed to have different tastes!

ChickenBhuna · 03/06/2017 21:30

I think it could be one of two things OP. He's either made a throwaway comment about the appearance of another woman (and had no intention of offence) or he was telling you not to gain weight...only you know if he has a habit of making such comments.

If you don't know what he meant by it then why not just ask him? No point in worrying yourself.

C0RAL · 03/06/2017 21:32

I agree with those who say he is warning you.

iffikitty · 03/06/2017 21:45

It's probably never crossed his mind that you might get fat.

It was a passing comment about what he was watching, not a warning to you.

Out2pasture · 03/06/2017 21:47

Immature asshole is the first thing that comes to mind. Not everyone ages gracefully. I would discuss this and dump if necessary.

QueenMortificado · 03/06/2017 21:48

I wouldn't date an obese person. It's just not something I personally find attractive. That doesn't mean that I'd dump my partner if he got obese, but then he isn't the kind of person who would anyway iyswim.

People have different tastes. I'm not sure why that's an issue.

DixieFlatline · 03/06/2017 21:49

only you know if he has a habit of making such comments

Anyone who has read the OP properly knows!

DrunkenMissOrderly · 03/06/2017 21:53

I don't think there is anything ominous about it. Honestly don't listen to this lot.
It's ok not to be physically attracted to a certain type.
It is not the same as loving someone who ends up a certain physical type. God when I was twenty I wouldn't have fancied a 50 year old. I still don't fancy 50 year olds to be honest. Except the man I fell in love with back then who is 50 now, him I still fancy.

ChickenBhuna · 03/06/2017 21:57

Apologies OP , please pay no attention to me , and much to DixieFlatline who clearly never fails to memorise an OP fully and correctly.

That aside , please talk to him OP , it's always best to get these niggles out there before they become bigger than they may need to be.

HmmOkay · 03/06/2017 21:59

But why say it to someone that you are going out with who isn't the thing that you don't like?

The OP has said that he has said it many times and in different scenarios.

What is the motivation for that?

It would be like me telling my DH every day that I have no intention of running for the office of president of Brazil. Utterly pointless of course so I wouldn't do it.

People don't say things repeatedly without a motivation for saying things repeatedly.

alltalknobaby · 03/06/2017 22:00

Are you people for real? Controlling? Warning? I've watched Take Me Out with my DP and we comment about the people all the time. He asks me if I like the guy, I ask him if he likes any of the women. It's really no big deal. No hidden meanings.

I wouldn't read anything into it - not that he's still looking either. But if you're worried, why don't you ask him what he meant?

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 03/06/2017 22:03

Or he might just not like big women. And is saying so.

How anyone is 'controlling' just for stating a physical preference, God knows. I wouldn't go out with a man shorter than I am. I say that to my much taller husband. FUCKING CONTROLLING BITCH that I am!

FFS.

CookieMonster54 · 03/06/2017 22:06

Oh God. I think a lot of the advice here is terrible.

He is not "warning you not to get fat". He is not still looking. If anything, he was telling you casually what his type is.

I have a "type" - slim, tall brunettes. I've never particularly gone for blondes, nor have I dated someone of a different race. That does not mean I wouldn't - it just means that the initial attraction I have is more strong towards slim tall brunettes. I have said this to my partner casually when the subject has come up, and she has mentioned her type too (while she's my "type", I was not initially hers).

Now, if my DW put on weight or dyed her hair blonde would I care? I doubt it.

This poor chap has just said something casually and you've massively over-reacted.

HmmOkay · 03/06/2017 22:09

Is there any reason why he might say it repeatedly?

Wouldn't just saying it once be enough? If it is as harmless as some people think it is?

Maybe he thinks the OP has short-term memory problems and that's why he says it repeatedly? Yes that must be it.

PushingThru · 03/06/2017 22:16

I really wouldn't go out with someone who watches 'take me out' 😂

FatGirlWithChocolate · 03/06/2017 22:16

My DH and I have often commented that neither of us could cope with the other one smoking. It's something that neither of us likes, at all, and there is no danger of either of us doing it. I've never read anything into it because it doesn't apply..I don't smoke, never have, never will, so it's just a throwaway comment. Likewise, you aren't overweight, so I wouldn't over analyse it. Unfortunately, as my name suggests (though I should change it as I am greatly reduced these days), I did put on weight, as did he. Doesn't change how I feel about him one bit, and he has never made me feel bad about my size. We have worried about each other health wise though.

AvaCrowder2 · 03/06/2017 22:34

I think it's because he is talking about dating.

I would say to dh about things I don't like, he would to me, but not in the context of possibly dating somebody else.

Taylor22 · 03/06/2017 22:38

You were watching a dating show based solely on appearances.
He stated his preference.

I'd never go out with someone overweight. Certainly not obese.
My and DH have talked about it before.
We've even joked that we've got a cut off weight for each other.

Mysteriouscurle · 03/06/2017 23:46

Bit concerning that he got angry that you expressed a concern. Does he often do that? Are you not allowed your own opinions unless they are the same as his?

EeekWhat · 04/06/2017 00:45

Bit concerning that he got angry that you expressed a concern. Does he often do that? Are you not allowed your own opinions unless they are the same as his?

The OP says she 'confronted' him first.

Mysteriouscurle · 04/06/2017 00:46

It concerns me that she is not allowed to disagree with him

Bamboogie86 · 04/06/2017 01:12

I don't think he's saying he wants someone else. People often make sweeping/general statements like that. It is very shallow to be honest. Plus life can throw anything at you. 5 years ago I had a brilliant body and was at the gym daily. Now I have a chronic illness. Colitis & inflamm arthritis. Due to pain and meds I ballooned! He shouldn't judge so quickly as to why someone is "bigger". Maybe you can educate him?

SparklingRaspberry · 04/06/2017 10:25

I wouldn't go out with a fat man. I would also end my relationship if my partner became really overweight and didn't wish to change (obviously if it was medical reasons I wouldn't). It doesn't make me shallow I just don't find fat attractive and I see it as a sign of them no longer making an effort.

Me and my partner have both said similar things - "I couldn't be with someone like that...". It doesn't mean we're actually still looking, just stating a fact. I think you're way overthinking this

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