DH being rude about my family to others

[Toomuchcoffeetoday]

AIBU? My husband is very quick to speak rudely about my parents and siblings. Not just little comments but long well rehearsed monologues. Tonight has been one such night. We are staying with old family friends, my parents haven't seen these people in years as they now live far away from us. As we were staying in the area for half term I looked them up. They kindly asked us over for supper. After two glasses of wine the conversation turned to my siblings. My husband then started the whole monologue. One of my siblings did get into some trouble in their youth but has been married with children for years. I didn't feel we needed to tell these people. They may still be in contact with other people my parents know. Obviously I am quite upset about it as it is 3.30am and I am writing this.

My worry is that we have a trip booked in the summer and some other family friends have kindly offered for us to stay with them for a few days. I do not want a repeat of this from my husband. I have asked him before not to do this. In fact several years ago I broke down while we were seeing old friends of mine because he did it. I spoke to him at the time, explains how horrible I thought it was but he carries on. I am not going to say I never relay the odd story about my mother in law but only her being critical of me. I certainly do not speak badly about his siblings and certainly would not do it in front of his family friends.

AIBU? Should I make other plans for the summer trip to avoid this? My parents would be mortified if any of this ever came back to them.

Think you need to sit him down and tell him how bang out of order he is and that he needs to wind his neck in and stop bad mouthing your family unless he would like you to start bad mouthing his family in front of their friends. Don't change your plans for summer just leave the knob at home.

Thanks shootfirst. I think I would rather he didn't come to stay with them but it is our family summer holiday. :/

And I will talk to him about it tomorrow. Not that it will make any difference.

Has he got any kind of explanation as to why he does it?

Crashbang - I honestly don't know. He has no reason to be jealous of my siblings. He seems to think it is amusing for others. I think it is hideously embarrassing. Not because of what he tells them, I couldn't give two hoots about what my sibling did in the past or how they live their lives now, but that my husband tells it as a witty anecdote. He has no relation with his siblings really but I am not best buddies with mine (more because of life circumstance). I don't dislike them though or feel the need to ridicule them. The more I think about it the more I think it is an indication of my husband's state of mind.

So you tell him it upsets you, you ask him not to and he does anyway?

I think that you are right that it is about his state of mind.

Why do you keep allowing him to show you such utter disrespect?

What would happen if, when he started with a tale, you said "Why are you telling people about this again? It happened 20 (or whatever) years ago and I asked you to stop going on about it"

Pyongyangkipperband - I agree it is really disrespectful. Unfortunately I have tried to say things like 'do we have to talk about this again' but he carries on regardless and I (weakly) am concerned about making a more embarrassing situation.

Why? He isnt so why should you?

Does he totally disregard you with other things too?

I just cant help feeling that this is a symptom of a more serious issue.

If he starts you need to put a stop to it at the time, even if you embarrass everyone in the process. This is the only way you'll make him stop.

I think it is a symptom of a more serious issue. I think that for a number of years now he has been putting me down and I sometimes he feels he is in competition with me. I am lying here wondering what on Earth I am doing. I think seeing old family friends from years ago who I love dearly has taken me back. This has made me realise that my relationship is just awful. Very sad as I lie here listening to the birds tweeting, the children sleeping peacefully and my husband snoring next to me. I feel very sad.

. Don't take any more of it, counselling together or LTB.

Thank you Purplecoathanger.

Sending love, hugs and strength

Its possibly easier said than done but i think you need to assert yourself a lot more here. Make it clear to him today that what he said was out of line, theres a good chance that word would get back to your family and even if he doesnt mind coming across as an ungrateful and rude p, you do care and hes not to do it again. If he cant control himself and get some new material for these social events then he cant come- end of.

Same next time he makes the belittling comments sbout you. Dont show hes upset you- thats what he wants to make himself feel better about his own inadequacies- but stay calm and point out just how rude hes being.

Hes got himself into a pattern of behaviour that he thinks is acceptable and needs to know it isnt. If hes unable/unwilling to change then what PP said.

Toomuchcoffee, do you want to talk about this 'lightbulb' moment about your relationship being awful? If you self-report your thread and ask for it to be moved to Relationships, there are a lot of wise posters there who will listen and help you make sense of it.

(Might be a few hours before anything happens - MNHQ is probably having a kip at the moment!)

Thank you Walk. I have done so. And thank you to the other posters. I am going to try to get some kip myself even though my thoughts are racing. x

I have spoken to my husband this morning. I told him I was upset about what he was saying, he replied that I didn't say anything. I reminded him that I did, and made eye contact with him to imply I was not happy. He said it was funny, that the hosts found it funny. I told him I did not find it funny and that he would not like it if I did it the other way round. He said, 'so am I just meant to sit there saying nothing?' Obviously not but I was reminiscing with our hosts, he could not join in with that but it wasn't about him. He cannot make anything not about him.

I am still unsure what to do about our trip in the summer. I feel he is out to get me. I don't want him to come. I think I just want him to leave. He really doesn't make me happy.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what needs of yours does this man meet?

What do you think he and you are teaching your children about relationships here?. The fact that your H cannot make anything not about him is a huge red flag as well.

I would seriously consider my future within this relationship. You have stated yourself that he does not make you happy. You do not need anyone's permission to leave him.

Do not embark on any form of joint counselling with him; he won't likely attend as he thinks there is nothing wrong with his behaviour. Counselling for your own self may be more helpful.

Go on the summer trip without him.

Thank you Attila. The things that concern me about splitting with him are financial and not wanting my children to be with him without me as he can be very irresponsible. I recently went out and had a phone call from my oldest child asking when I was coming home as he was scared, it was dark and H was fast asleep. It was 9pm. I was on my way home anyway but this is not an isolated incident. I do not leave the children with him very often and have only spent 1 night away in 14 years.

'so am I just meant to sit there saying nothing?'

So that's supposed to be your choice is it? Either he sits in stony silence or he disrespects your family. Has he no other conversation which doesn't involve bitching about your relatives? That says a lot about him doesn't it?

How old are your children?

Definitely go on the summer trip without him.

Get any proof of neglectful behaviour in some sort of writing if you can, just in case you need to make a case for future restrictions on access. For example, text messages where you make it clear that he shouldn't have left the children alone/unsupervised/your child was scared, he may reply justifying or apologising - keep anything like that.

You should make plans to leave though I think. He sounds awful, you sound miserable.

Re the slagging off your family, have you ever tried turning it back on him?

'God you got some funny looks last night, sorry but I really shoud tell you! You might want to tone it down a bit about my siblings to people you don't really know - you sounded NUTS. I get that for some reason you are really bothered about them but just going on about them like that makes you sound unhinged! Really obsessive and weird. You almost sound frightened of them!'

From other people's experience, he's likely to lose interest in the children if you leave. If he can use them to get at you he will, but if you are very reasonable and calm about contact and he finds it hard or boring, it will diminish anyway.

I'd say you need to leave. Staying with him is probably worse for the children, than occasional unsupervised contact later.

My ex was like this, he would rarely find positives to talk about, it was the few negatives that he constantly harped on about. It often put me family in an unfair bad light, and he would tell anecdotes to other family members or even friends who barely knew my family.

He did it to put me down, because he was jealous of my wide supportive family, and probably because he was insecure.

I put up with it to avoid embarrassing friends, but I think they possibly felt awkward anyway.

Ultimately, it showed disrespect to me and a disregard of my feelings. I think it's like he was trying to show me up and make himself feel good in the process. He was, and still is, a petty insecure man. Perhaps your man is the same?