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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Urgent advice is anyone up?

40 replies

Ohgabby1 · 03/06/2017 02:45

H with form for abusive behaviour is out and really drunk. Has a tendency to get aggressive when drunk. He is in a club somewhere and has been sending me abuse over text. I have really reached a limit tonight. DC and I are in the house, they're asleep and they have a really big day tomorrow.

I have locked the door so he can't get in. I keep wavering between feelings of guilt at locking him out, to wanting to feel safe and like he is not going to rampage in and make things hard for all of us.

We jointly own the house.

I am worried that he will shout and scream and bang drunkenly at the door so much when he gets back if it's locked that I'll feel forced to let him in.

What would be the best thing to do in these circumstances? I can't think straight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohgabby1 · 03/06/2017 02:46

I mean should I unlock the door and deal with the consequences then have a dealbreaker chat when he is sober? Or keep him locked out for tonight?

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 03/06/2017 02:48

Are you scared of what he will do when he gets home? I would be inclined to let him know you're locking the door and if he tried to come.home and you are scared call the police.

MaitlandGirl · 03/06/2017 02:48

Keep the door locked and call the police if needs be. You need to keep yourself and your kids safe.

muntcunch · 03/06/2017 02:49

You obviously have cause for concern, he has a history of doing this.
He has already been sending you a shove texts.
Please keep the door locked and protect you and your children.
If he does start banging and causing a scene, please call the police.
Don't let your children witness this.
I'm on the night shift if you need to talk

muntcunch · 03/06/2017 02:50

*abusive
But shove

Beelzebop · 03/06/2017 02:50

It sounds like you are scared OP. I would call the police or a trusted person to be there when he gets back, or preferably lock him out and call police. I'm worried about you xx

loverofbadtv · 03/06/2017 02:50

Someone better at advice should hopefully come on soon, but do you think you and your DC would be safe if he was in the house whilst he is drunk? If not, 100% keep him out.

drinkyourmilk · 03/06/2017 02:50

I'd call 111 and let them know you are worried tonight.
I'd keep him locked out tonight and I'd ask him to pack and leave tomorrow when someone is with me to keep me and my children safe.

Original poster
Ohgabby1 · 03/06/2017 02:51

I am a bit scared yes. He has form for keeping me awake being abusive, not letting me sleep, holding me down in the bed so I talk to him or listen to him. This all happened years ago though, but he seems to have relapsed a bit tonight with the drunken behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohgabby1 · 03/06/2017 02:52

Should I text him and tell him to stay elsewhere?

OP posts:
Beelzebop · 03/06/2017 02:52

Been in your position. Normally I can sense when it's coming. I think you're doing that and you need to lock the door xx.

Duffmcstockings · 03/06/2017 02:53

I'm not best advice, but don't let him in. If someone really cared your familly, they would go in softly and wi trust. Make you love them

Beelzebop · 03/06/2017 02:55

You could do that OP, but will he?

Original poster
Ohgabby1 · 03/06/2017 03:00

I don't know what his reaction would be if I texted him to stay elsewhere. I don't know where he would stay. Maybe he'll just stay out all night anyway.

But yes, like the pp said, I can feel it coming. It's in the tone of his texts, the kind of things he says...

OP posts:
kateandme · 03/06/2017 03:10

I would text him anyway.he will find out whether now or when he gets back that you've locked him out.at least if hes still out he has option to stay away.where as if he is at your door then hes right outside with that anger.
don't unlock the door.you haven't reached locking someone out for no reason.dont back down.abuse wins if you back down.
you can do this.
and rember he can shout and scream all he wants it doesn't have to control you actions.only you can open that door.so just keep telling yourself your doing the right thing and it will be ok.

Beelzebop · 03/06/2017 03:15

Yes pp! Look, my partner is fine for months and then sometimes, I will start getting anxious, I've obviously picked cues up. I know when he staggers in he will be horrid. Can you text a friend and tell them?

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/06/2017 03:18

Its your call about telling him to stay away, whether you think it would make him more likely to come home or not.

Whatever you choose, keep the door locked, the lights off and as soon as he arrives, call the police. Dont talk to him, dont try to reason with him and DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR.

They will escort him away and you will be safe. Then end your marriage. No one should live like this.

LadyTennantofTardis · 03/06/2017 03:27

You okay OP?

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/06/2017 03:31

I am worried too

OhGabby

You owe none of us an update but I do hope that you can come back and let us know that you are safe. Please please take care and dont hesitate to call the police, its their job, its what they are there for and they would much rather you called to get him away before he starts than after he has attacked you.

Take care, thinking of you, from another woman who just knew when it would be another one of those nights....

xx

MessyBun247 · 03/06/2017 03:32

Could you call the police and tell them he has sent abusive texts and that you are scared of what he will do when he gets home? And that you dont want to let him in? They will definitely advise you on what to do next.

Stay strong xx

CiliatedEpithelium · 03/06/2017 03:45

Are you OK OP?

Beelzebop · 03/06/2017 04:12

I will check on you later, hope you are OK xxxxx

RoseOfSharyn · 03/06/2017 04:20

Gabby! Please let us know you're ok!

I have been there. In fact, a year after my divorce I'm still there somewhat.

If you feel even SLIGHTLY threatened call 999.

Record what you can on your phone as evidence for your divorce/child access case/dv conviction. (I usually go for voice recorder and phone in pocket, or video and phone in hand as if you've just picked it up approach)

Key in lock and keep it turned.

Shut windows.

Keep all texts.

Then tomorrow get your shit in order and call WA.

Sending hugs.

AdalindSchade · 03/06/2017 05:19

I hope you're all ok and safe
When the dust settles you need to have a hard think about why you are still with him. You and your children need and deserve a safe home and having him in it makes it unsafe.

Dancinginthemidnight · 03/06/2017 05:23

Hope you're ok Op.