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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Texting/not texting malarky?? God this is hard work!!

50 replies

Brandysnaps200 · 02/06/2017 22:50

Right, met a guy 6 months ago and we are more like friends with benefits as neither of us want a relationship right now due to reasons on both sides.

However, the thing that really does my head in and tbh upsets me, is the fact he will text me constantly for a couple of days, then hardly speak for the next couple of days.

Is this normal now in the dating world? I know we're not technically dating but still.

I was with my EXH for 18 years so guessing the dating world has all changed now?

OP posts:

Mascaraandrum · 02/06/2017 22:58

Yes its very normal nowadays for guys to do this ,its very annoying but also they may be waiting on you striking up a convo first sometimes

Mascaraandrum · 02/06/2017 22:59

Either tthat or u may find hes more talkative when he is wanting his benifits side of the frienship if you know what i mean lol

Lottie991 · 02/06/2017 23:00

Literally wouldn't waste my time on someone like that tbh, Not everyone is like that no.

josuk · 02/06/2017 23:05

Are you sure you are not secretly (or unknown to yourself) want this to turn into a relationship?

There is no etiquette for FWB. Texting frequency - up and down just depends on how busy people are and how they are feeling.

Now, it it's been a 'relationship' - even then i'd say - hard to tell w/o knowing what his work life is like.

Anyhow. Yes. Normal.

Mascaraandrum · 02/06/2017 23:07

I think its just the modern way of dating tbh ,the rules have changed a lot from last time i dated too it seemed easier years ago i think

Original poster

Brandysnaps200 · 03/06/2017 07:30

Thanks for the replies.

So it's normal then and I'm to stop getting upset on the days he hardly speaks.

OP posts:

rizlett · 03/06/2017 07:32

Be enjoying your life so much its not important to you whether he texts or not and really nice when he does.

(though you did say its just a FWB thing - so he's probably texting others too.)

user1490465531 · 03/06/2017 08:46

if it's a FWB arrangement you shouldn't be so invested.
Truth be told you would probably like more?
I think many women say they are happy with a FWB but then start to want more.
I know it could never work for me.

TheNaze73 · 03/06/2017 09:32

It's FWB firstly, what are you expecting?
Secondly, communication is 2 way. You can text him first to initiate a conversation. High demand men will have loads of options available to him, he really won't need to do all the work.
Just go for it

LittleBooInABox · 03/06/2017 09:34

If there's no friend part in the friend with benefits, then it's just a shag. Sorry op. You set your boundaries, and stick to them.

Ellisandra · 03/06/2017 09:37

My best friend and I text like mad for days, then go completely quiet until one says "you been abducted by aliens?" - we're just busy and not in each other's pockets.

You are not FWB. I think you need to be honest with yourself about what you actually want. Every single time I see a post on here about FWB, the woman is posting that they don't want a relationship - but then posting like they do!

SansasTummy · 03/06/2017 09:37

You don't have to put up with something you don't like just because it's alledgely what people do nowadays.

Saying that, if you don't want a relationship and you're not in a relationship I'm not sure what it is you're after with the texts.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/06/2017 10:59

He texts when he wants, do the same. Text when you want to and not at any other time. He's not the boss of your phone.

You're not in a relationship but it does sound as if it's a self-preservation thing for you, ie. declare it as a FWB thing so that if/when he doesn't pursue a more defined relationship then you can always say that it was never supposed to be more than FWB.

Be honest with yourself and, if this isn't working for you then drop it. You don't owe any explanation either, just say 'Enough, bye'.

Original poster

Brandysnaps200 · 03/06/2017 11:28

He does only text me when he wants. If I message him first, he can be quite abrupt or ignore my message for hours, but I know he's on his phone because his watsapp is on line. Yet if he messages me, like yesterday, he sent me a message and I didn't reply for 3hrs, he was like "have you been busy"?!

The things he says to me though when he does message, like he calls me his wife! Proper messing with my head. Maybe I would like more then FWB eventually but he's made it clear he doesn't.

I need to be really strong and just ignore him one day when he texts, see how he likes it.

OP posts:

user1490465531 · 03/06/2017 11:39

you basically answered your own question and admitted that you do want more so you know it won't ever get to that so stop wasting more headspace and just tell him you don't want this arrangement any more.
I doubt he would even be bothered TBH.

Trills · 03/06/2017 11:41

If you are getting upset on the days he barely texts, then perhaps it's time to either talk to him about making it a real relationship (if that's what you want), or end it.

The way things are now, it's not making you happy.

Playing not-texting games won't make you happy either.

josuk · 03/06/2017 11:43

Brandy - you are going to get yourself hurt the way you are going. You clearly want more.
He - may, or may not.

These childish games - texting, monitoring response times - won't lead to anywhere, but to mutual annoyance....

You really have two choices here:
1 just relax and take it easy, enjoy FWB arrangement
2 tell him that it's not working for you and you might want more; and leave if he doesn't

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/06/2017 11:51

He knows how you feel and he's enjoying the game of playing with your head. How can you feel so disorientated by him referring to you as 'his wife' when a) you have a FWB thing and b) you know he doesn't mean it?

It's time to get out, it really is. Sorry but you're setting yourself up for all kinds of hurt here. Up to you whether you're prepared to put yourself through it or not.

Joysmum · 03/06/2017 11:53

So it's normal then and I'm to stop getting upset on the days he hardly speaks

No, you should never suppress your feelings and should instead be examining them.

You need to be aiming to have a relationship that meets your needs, this one clearly isn't. Either it could do in future if you both can be honest about what you both want and it matches, or it won't in which case the longer you are too focused on this one you aren't seeing opportunities elsewhere.

MsMarvel · 03/06/2017 11:56

Ive been there. As soon as I started obsessing about texts, words used etc I decided I needed to speak to him and say I was wanting more than our current agreement, and if he wanted to walk away then that was fine.

He had always been upfront about what our 'relationship' was, I knew it was me that was changing the goalposts.

So we sat down and talked about it, and I was prepared to walk away if he didn't want to change the relationship.

We've been together 5 years and counting :)

Its worth talking to him, but be prepared to leave completely if he doesnt want anything more. Its not worth driving yourself insane over.

AndBandPlayedScotlandTheBrave · 03/06/2017 11:56

He's playing head games with you. Nope.

crazykitten20 · 03/06/2017 12:07

I've never done FWB but I'm guessing it's more about the dumpling rumplings than the niceties of cosy back and forth texting.

Original poster

Brandysnaps200 · 03/06/2017 12:17

He knows he is playing head games with me, god does he know. I have told him so many times that I hate being ignored and he either talks or he doesn't.

I've ended it a couple of times because of this and he keeps coming back and I let him chase me for a couple of days, then once he's got me, he goes funny again with not texting!! But calling me his wife, yes guess it's all part of his game.

I'm sure I'm not the only one he is "seeing" but wish I could walk away.

OP posts:

Brogadoccio · 03/06/2017 12:19

I went through this for about 18 months OLD, but now if I feel I want to talk to somebody I text them and if they don't respond I just go off them. It took 18 months of OLD to get to that point; where instead of longing for their interest in me, I just got genuinely turned off by their ambivalence. Get turned off. That's all I can advise.

Brogadoccio · 03/06/2017 12:20

Text him this
"mixed messages are not my thing"

And then leave it. Forever........

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