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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Texting/not texting malarky?? God this is hard work!!

50 replies

Brandysnaps200 · 02/06/2017 22:50

Right, met a guy 6 months ago and we are more like friends with benefits as neither of us want a relationship right now due to reasons on both sides.

However, the thing that really does my head in and tbh upsets me, is the fact he will text me constantly for a couple of days, then hardly speak for the next couple of days.

Is this normal now in the dating world? I know we're not technically dating but still.

I was with my EXH for 18 years so guessing the dating world has all changed now?

OP posts:

SparklingRaspberry · 03/06/2017 12:21

It all sounds like too much agro to me

The fact you're upset about it means you're more invested than you'd like to admit

I dont think this situation is right for you. It seems you're very likely to get hurt!

MsMarvel · 03/06/2017 13:27

But hes not playing games. You aren't in a relationship with this man. He has been up front about what he wants from it and I'm assuming youve agreed to that.

You are now annoyed because he doesnt seem to want more, despite you wanting more. That doesnt make him a bad person, hes allowed not to want that.

You are reading too much into 'wife's comments and stuff. That just sounds like a bit of banter with someone he's sleeping with, nothing more.

I do really understand the frustration with falling for someone in a FWB situation, but nothing that he's doing makes him in the wrong.

SparklingRaspberry · 03/06/2017 15:01

I have to agree with the PP. he isn't messing you around or playing mind games. He contacts you when he wants sex. That's what this situation is. If you want somebody to text you regularly and reply to your messages sooner rather than later, then text some of your actual friends.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 03/06/2017 16:37

God he sounds really dull. At this stage surely you want excitement and chemistry not blowing hot and cold.

Original poster

Brandysnaps200 · 03/06/2017 18:31

Queen, I'm glad you see it as blowing hot and cold too. I've said this to him before and he had a right go saying he's not but it totally is.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/06/2017 19:41

Sooner or later your ego and/or sense of self-preservation will not allow you to continue accepting this man's 'crumbs', albeit that's what you both agreed to at the start.

He wants easy sex, you want a relationship. You're patently incompatible, it's as simple as that. It just depends now when you wake up to the fact and decide that you will not put up with 'less than' any longer. The ball is entirely in your court.

Ellisandra · 03/06/2017 20:06

"Maybe I would like more than FWB eventually"

I'm interested that you don't just admit this is what you want now. Sure, you may have reasons that make it harder at the moment... but honestly, I bet what you actually want is someone who can work with those reasons.

I said it upthread... every single time a woman posts on here about FWB, it's because it's doing her head in and it just never seems to be what she really wants. I think it's really sad that so many people seem to kid themselves that they just want FWB - because they know they're not going to get more than crumbs from the man they actually want more with.

user1490465531 · 03/06/2017 22:18

FWB is basically men getting an easy shag without having to do all the girlfriend stuff.
Most women want more but convince themselves they are happy with the arrangement but honestly it seems to work better for men and that's not a sexist comment but a fact.

TheNaze73 · 03/06/2017 22:39

Based on what 1490465531?

How incredibly rude to say that about women.

user1490465531 · 03/06/2017 23:15

so why do I see so many threads on here with women saying they have FWB and then getting stressed about it.
If it's only FWB you shouldn't give a fuck if he doesn't text/call/dates other women because he's only your sexual partner right?
yet women are on here moaning about this very thing.

Ellisandra · 03/06/2017 23:45

I think you have to restrict the comment to "most women posting in MN Relationships about a FWB scenario". Obviously that's going to be biased towards problem situations otherwise why post?

But every FWB thread I see on here is about confusion over what is going on, wanting more, "realising I've fallen for him". I don't see other problems like "shall I end this FWB, I think he wants a relationship".

I don't think user should extrapolate to the general population. But I definitely get the impression on this board that some women say they only want FWB but seem to want more.

I've said this before, and many other people have said it... the F is important. It's not FWB if you don't have the mutual fun and respect of friendship.

Brogadoccio · 03/06/2017 23:46

I agree tho. I dont understand fwb.
You like somebody enough to sleep with them but definitely not enough to even see how it goes relationship-wise???

What?!

Original poster

Brandysnaps200 · 04/06/2017 09:17

Thanks for all the replies. FWB suits me at the moment because I can't be doing with the hassle of a bf. I only split with DH a few months ago.

OP posts:

SansasTummy · 04/06/2017 09:28

It clearly doesn't suit you though. You're not talking like someone who wants a FWB. He literally only wants sex, he's not going to suddenly change his mind! You are extremely naive if you think that that will ever happen.

He is blowing hot and cold to keep you interested. He knows you want more, you've told him that with all your wanting more with texts. He only wants sex, he doesn't want text conversation. He is doing the texts and the 'wife' stuff to give you a glimmer of hope that he might want more, so he can keep having sex with you.

noego · 04/06/2017 09:29

This is not a FWB relationship in its true sense. He is treating you disrespectfully and that doesn't occur in FWB. The respect for one another and respect for boundaries is paramount. He is fucking with your head, treating you disrespectfully in immaturely. Get shut and find a respectful FB.

SansasTummy · 04/06/2017 09:29

This isn't what the dating world is like, this is what it's like when someone is using you for sex. You're not dating him.

Ceto · 04/06/2017 09:35

I'm sure I'm not the only one he is "seeing" but wish I could walk away.

Why can't you? If this were a genuine FWB situation you could and would walk away very easily. I would suggest you live your life on the footing that this man is no more than a friend and that you are free to see other men also.

caffeinestream · 04/06/2017 09:38

I don't think he is blowing hot and cold. FWB is about sex. He's texting you when he wants sex but he's not bothered about chit-chat or social niceties because he just wants sex from you - not the other stuff.

If you can't handle being in a FWB situation then end it, but he's not doing anything wrong by not wanting to text you all the time.

Ellisandra · 04/06/2017 09:41

You can't be doing with the hassle of a boyfriend (a committed, exclusive relationship with someone who respects you, is interested in you, and you know where you stand)

You can be doing with the hassle of a supposed FWB creating a situation that's fucking you about so much that you end up posting on here about it!

I know which of those two is least hassle and more enjoyable! Single is fine too.

AhYerWill · 04/06/2017 09:42

FWB is intermittent contact when one of you is up for a shag/fancies a pint in the local, but not really noticing that you haven't heard from them for a couple of days in the interim.

It is not messing with your head, blowing hot and cold and getting hurt because the other person is dicking you about.

If it is making you unhappy, bin. Plenty of other guys around who will be up for a low commitment thing, without making you feel shit in the process. Just text saying "sorry this isn't working for me" and block on your phone/facebook etc. He can't reel you back in if you don't get his messages.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/06/2017 11:15

I don't disagree with user140etc. That IS the case of what is on mumsnet. Women who ARE happy with a FWB thing are not posting on here to say so, they're busy with getting on with their lives. The women who are posing here aren't happy with the arrangement.

It's not an insult to say that most women don't want a FWB arrangement, it's an opinion. I don't believe that women are made the same as men in respect of wanting commitment, for whatever reason, they aren't. It's not wrong of them and it's not wrong of men not to want it. It's only wrong when they string each other along and pretend.

This was an arrangement where both 'set out their stall'. The fact that OP had a couple of things 'under the counter' isn't the 'fault' of OP's FWB. It's not her fault either but if it would be the other way around and OP's FWB wanting more and she didn't, he'd be dismissed.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/06/2017 11:18

I'm nodding to everything Ellisandra has said on this thread.

forumdonkey · 04/06/2017 15:15

I don't think you want a FWB relationship you want a casual relationship, rather than a serious one.

A FWB isn't someone you have a lots of contact and texts with, neither would you care if they were out dating others.

IMO you are looking for a relationship that is casual and not serious, as in, you commit to holidays, family events and couple things together etc but you want a relationship with this person.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 04/06/2017 19:18

Brandy whatever he claims if it feels like blowing hot and cold to you then that's your experience which isn't positive or fulfilling.

CatsAndCandles · 04/06/2017 22:22

I had a fwb about 25+ years ago, over several years. It was fabulous. I'm so glad I had that and still smile when I think of it. It was fun and sexy and free and easy and always respectful. But, I can't imagine having that with many other people; it just worked for us.

I don't think that's what you've got here. He doesn't sound respectful. You don't sound happy. It doesn't sound easy.

I don't think you're a good match at the moment. I would end it.

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