New relationship - advice really appreciated

[Lookingforabetteryear]

So I have one dd aged 4. With dds father I had a bad experience , he was cruel and nasty and we broke swiftly after dd. Anyway early this year I met a new guy , he's a few years older , divorced , has kids , fellow professional. All going well , we have a holiday booked in September already. But he's vey regimented , he likes to meet say three times a week for dinner n stay over / go out if we have sitters . We often take kids out too. But I feel that he'd never just pop around and seems to think he's v v busy when doing normal life tasks eg. Going the bank/ car wash . Makes me feel that life is v planned n regimented . He also suggested to me that he is unsure if he'd consider marriage again in future (something i DEFO want). He's nice and we have fun. I fee im leading / being v keen whilst he's happy to not see me as much as is possible . Is this a normal set up or is it odd?!

He sounds like my kind of man, I hate people popping over.

Perhaps he's not right for you though, but it's far too soon to tell. Give it time.

Thank you kitty X

Yup hate anyone popping over!!🤔

My DH was a younger version of your new boyfriend when we met. He was quite set in his ways for a young man, always reliable and not particularly spontaneous. He's still the same many years later, and when I read "Relationships" I thank my lucky stars I met him.

Settle down OP and enjoy the 3 times a week certainty. He may surprise you one day.

You can't possibly be out of the bad relationship for longer than four years. You're not wrong to want to get married but I think it's a choice you should hold off on making until you've after you've been happy and single for at least a while. It sounds like it's not quite right to me. You want more spontaneity and to feel like you fit in to each other's every day lives as well as going out at appointed times. I know what you mean. After a while surely if it feels right, a bf or gf can show up and just sit at your kitchen table with a cup of tea.

It's hard to say if he is right for you since it is still early days, but I would hate to be seeing someone so regimented and uptight.

I'd take a bit of spontaneity over control and predictability most days.

I think the fact that he is unsure about marriage and you really want to be married at some point, could be setting you up for a lot of wasted time.

I probably sound a bit black and white about this but having been with someone who strung me along for eight years, I wish I could go back and really listen to what he was saying. He said he didn't believe in marriage but I assumed as our relationship grew, he'd change his mind.

If I hadn't finished it, I could still be seeing him so many nights a week. He too was rigid. Good luck.

Thank you , all so interesting . He has told me he loves me / added me on his fb relationship status (I know lame). I do enjoy my time with him but yeah him fitting into my daily life would be nice. Just when you think you've met a normal one lol

Hi, how many children does he have, what age and do they live with him?

I have 4 dcs and it is impossible to be spontaneous. We always have stuff planned in, our life is super organised not because we love it that way but because that's life with older dcs.

I don't get a feel whether there is more to it, maybe there is?

Are you dating my XH?!

In all seriousness though I really don't think any of this is a bad thing at all - you'd normally get posters shouting red flag at booking a holiday so soon so I wouldn't be concerned if he's happy to do that but you only see him on set days.

He has two . I have one. Don't live with him , he has them ever other weekend . The are 3 and 6. I think it a case of me really liking him , me worried I'm more of a hobby to him. I'm also worried that he married someone but now tells me that he isn't sure about marriage again, which makes me feel less important than the ex. I dunno , think past relationships have given me an odd viewpoint of stuff

I think you have a gut instinct that's it not right but as he has other qualities you are overlooking your instinct.

Often we have a "feeling" that can't yet be articulated so you feel unreasonable but over years those traits magnify.

Don't ignore traits you don't like, even if they don't bother other people.If you do, you are settling.

You have mentioned 3 negatives and the issue of marriage is a biggie which suggests he's not right for you.

Not sure I'm dating your xh?! Lol. He's from Devon and works in law! So maybe. If so awks haha!

Hermoine- you're right , I think you're spot on

I think he's just taking it more slowly than you are. We're only in June - you say you started seeing him earlier this year - so less than 5-6 months? And introduced the kids?

I've been with my current bf for almost a year - he would still get short shrift if he turned up unannounced at my door, (and therefore I wouldn't do it to him either). I do think people generally fall into two distinct camps on this issue.

Slow down (imo). Maybe it will work, maybe it won't. You don't know him well enough to be considering marriage.

You're right . I'm so impatient . I am not naturally routined etc so find it quite dufferebt

How long did you wait before dragging all your kids into this?!

Because here you are, posting on the internet that you're not sure about him, yet your kids have already been dragged along on your dates!

Lookingforabetteryear not my XH! Not that would be a bad thing if it was, more of an incompatibility than a serious character flaw.

It sounds like he has a lot of OP with work and his children! Just try and relax and enjoy it.

FWIW, having been married before I am very reluctant to marry my DP but it's in no way a reflection on him it's just very difficult after a divorce to psychologically accept that it would be different a second time even though you can rationally explain it by being a different person, circumstances etc

Thank you . Really reassuring to hear about divorce stuff. As part of me thinks one cannot possibly love someone else more than one loved first wife but maybe I've just been to too many weddings recently lol

In the end we talk ourselves out of our instinct. Something I wish I had listened to many times. It was always right.

Could you talk to him about it? If you could you might be clearer on what the situation is. Maybe he thinks he is giving you space and not intruding on family life.

He probably had such bad experience with first wife / divorce that right now it's a no, not because he can't love anyone else. My partner was same when we met but he's changed his mind as realised not all marriage have to be the same.

I know a regimented guy like this, he's been single a while and at a point where he just likes independence, even though he adores his girlfriend. I think when you get older some people realise you don't have to completely tie your lives together 24/7. If he's introduced you to his kids, that's a huge sign he's into you!!

Thank you everyone . A different opinion is really valued . Tonight we are both free but in respective homes instead of chilling out for a bit together. His reason " he's abit tired n wants to sort out his stuff in the shed ". Wtf!

Well that does sound odd OP, he wants to spend Saturday night in his shed. That's much stranger than many of us were imagining I think.

I'd be pissed off with that one.