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Original poster

Do i let ex mil take the kids to their father?

44 replies

Lifeisabloodysoap · 01/06/2017 20:17

So my kids dad (3 & 1) hasn't seen them for over a year now in fact he's only met our daughter twice. This was due to him being completely inconsistent showing up 2 hrs late for our son and not wanting to be in the same room as me as his gf (ow) didn't like it and I was bf the baby so couldn't just hand her over really the 2 times he did have her he slept on the couch.
Now my ex mil asked if he could come back into the kids life's I said it would have to be gradual and in a space they are comfortable in she said that won't happen he doesn't want to be near me or the marital home.
My ex mil has been kind of consistent with seeing the kids nearly once every month and she asked if I would allow her to take the kids to see their dad.
What's everyone's opinions should I allow her to take the kids? It would be at their house nearly an hour away? The kids are still not 100% comfortable with them.

OP posts:

Lofari · 01/06/2017 20:19

I'd say no. Why does he get to call the shots? He chose to be absent. So now, it has to be on your terms in a place the kids are comfortable. He's a stranger to them.

AppleMagic · 01/06/2017 20:21

Nope. He's not willing to make the slightest bit of effort to see them.

JK1773 · 01/06/2017 20:23

I'd say not yet. Where on earth has he been? He needs to show some commitment to them first. Maybe regularly send a card, comic, small gift, photo every fortnight for a few months to get kids used to the idea. If he fails at that then tell him to get lost. If he's serious he will do it, then maybe short periods nearby to your home with GPs to see how it goes. Small steps. They have a right to know him of course but not if he's just going to disappear. Test him first and his deliveries can help you introduce the idea of him to the DC.

Original poster

Lifeisabloodysoap · 01/06/2017 20:33

For the past year he hasn't bothered with them including walking past them in the shops whilst my son shouted in him.
No birthday cards not Christmas cards nothing but he said it's my fault he doesn't see the kids because I tried to control the access by having a 8 week plan in place as that's how long his rotas lasted and because he didn't want our son on his days off as he "needed to have a life". I was taken into hospital 3 weeks after having my daughter as I burst my wound open and had a blood clot I asked him to keep ds an extra night as I was in hospital and he said he couldn't because he was going out with his gf.
I just keep blaming myself for him not being in the kids life's bit even when my son looks at pictures of him he doesn't know who he is. It hurts!
His mum said he misses our son I dont think he's is as bothered about dd as he didn't want her( only got me pregnant to make me think he loved me).

OP posts:

DancingLedge · 01/06/2017 20:33

So the suggestion is that the needs of his GF to be comfortable are more important than the needs of DC 1 and3 to be comfortable?

If he seriously thinks that he needs to jog on

DancingLedge · 01/06/2017 20:36

What do you think would be the right thing for your DC? Then tell him it's that.

QuiteLikely5 · 01/06/2017 20:41

Arghhh! It would really kill me to allow him access after he walked past without acknowledging his own boy.

However, I believe in second chances and emotions were clearly running very high at the time so I would offer very slow gradual contact. If the children are happy and he sticks to it then fair enough but if he lets those children down ever again then I would not allow any further contact.

I hope you are receiving maintenance

Original poster

Lifeisabloodysoap · 01/06/2017 20:52

Dancing I'm so torn!
I know my kids should have a relationship with their father but he let them both down so much in the first 5 months of us being separated that my son is still affected by it. He left in the middle of the night and now my son has nightmares that I will leave in tbe middle of the night he may only be 3 but it did affect him.
He doesn't even ask the ex in laws about his dad. My daughter doesn't know him at all the last she seen him she was 3 weeks old.
Quite I am I had to go through cms and he's not actually declared his new job or anything like that as he said he shouldn't have to pay for the kids

OP posts:

ChicRock · 01/06/2017 20:56

I suspect he's actually not arsed and MIL is making half of this up/it's her wishful thinking - you can't blame her, it must be hard to accept that you raised your son to be an uncaring twat and a shitty father.

I would tell her no, and that if the children's father wishes to reinstate contact he is welcome to contact you himself to discuss this.

youwillbepk · 01/06/2017 20:58

I would have to say no until he shows some sort of commitment! He can't just drop and pick children up when he wants!

B19M · 01/06/2017 21:01

What JK1773 says seems very sensible.
Sorry you're in this situation OP, your ex sounds horrible 😟

MadeForThis · 01/06/2017 21:01

I would definitely say that it has to be on your terms. What is in the best interest of the children.

How do you even know that he wants to see the kids, this may be MIL's attempt to make him see them. Hence why he won't leave his house.

Your DD doesn't know him. He las traumatised your DS. He need to prove that he can be a father. Not issue demands and put the entire focus on not upsetting his gf

Lunde · 01/06/2017 21:13

What about him arranging a contact centre for the first 6-8 weeks to re-establish contact under but with supervision. His reaction to organising and paying for his will tell you a lot about whether he is truly interested or if it is more MIL's wish

If it goes OK and they get acquainted again then a next step could be for them to meet at MIL

I would also make it a condition that he sees both kids and not exclude dd

Original poster

Lifeisabloodysoap · 01/06/2017 21:19

I offered contact centre as I wouldn't need to be anywhere near and he said he isn't seeing his children in a contact centre as it's embarrassing.
I don't know if it's ex mil that's pushing for him to see the kids he's not asked himself for over a year and in July last year he sent a letter to see he would no longer reply to any lawyers letters as he could afford it but he could afford to take start the process of court for the marital home.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 01/06/2017 21:20

No fucking way. Your ex gets to act like a petulant child, can't even manage to have the bollox big enough to be in the same room with you, has been a total dead beat dad, and NOW he wants to call the shots?? Not a chance. Don't even consider it. This is not what is best for your children.

dingodon · 01/06/2017 21:39

This is not in the best interests of the children. Tell her/him to jog on.

dingodon · 01/06/2017 21:40

Posted too soon. Unless he requests contact directly, I would agree with other posters it's his mum not him.

SisterhoodisPowerful · 01/06/2017 21:47

They are babies who don't know him. If he wants to see them, then he has to make the effort. At this age, short but frequent visitations are normal - not traveling in a car for over an hour. Refusing to pay maintenance is a huge red flag for being useless; as is blaming the ow for his refusal to parent.

If he wants to see them, he gets off his arse: regular maintenance and regular visitation in a place the children are comfortable with starting with a contact centre. He is an adult. He doesn't need his mother running interference for him.

FizzyGreenWater · 01/06/2017 21:51

This.

And also... one of the main reasons this is not going to be good for your children is because given the above, the chances that he will either manage a few meetings and then not be able to be bothered or (worse) get completely into their lives and then flounce off again because his 'needs' aren't taking priority is very high. And really, that sounds like the last thing your son needs.

Try and speak to MIL about it. Basically, you need to protect them from his half-arsed idea of what it is to be a father as it's already damaged your son. Tell her that no you aren't being vindicitve, you simply want to see that he is really prepared to put the children FIRST and that he understands why you need him to prove himself on that front before you let him in as you will not risk them being hurt again.

These are her grandchildren, she should want them protected too. He is her son, she should know what he is like.

If she can't be on your side in this, then she's not really on her grandchildren's side either.

MrsMooks · 01/06/2017 21:57

Tell him to jog the fuck on, cheeky bastard

ohfourfoxache · 01/06/2017 22:02

No way. Not without some serious fucking effort on his part first.

DancingLedge · 01/06/2017 22:11

I think you are wise to offer a contact centre.

Keep a record of your offer, and his reply. Sounds unlikely he will pursue contact to Court, but should that ever happen, you need to be able to show that you were not the one preventing contact.

Original poster

Lifeisabloodysoap · 01/06/2017 22:52

His mum thinks it's me just being difficult and won't just allow him to walk back jn and take the kids out.
She think that because he told her we had a scheduled day for him to see ds last year and I told him he couldnt take him (because it hadn't been scheduled my ds had health visitor and speech therapist that day but he wouldn't have known this as he said he didn't care what happened when I had ds)
He took a month of in March a paternity leave ( seen our dd twice in this) the way the schedule worked March's rota would have been June's but he didn't see the kids until the 29th of the month so it didn't work out right so he just showed at my door whilst I had everyone in. He never contacted me after that day!

She thinks her son does no wrong but what she fails to see is I let her come see the kids whenever she wants I send all the family cards from the kids for special occasions. Not one of his sisters or his brother have asked about the kids in this year either.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 01/06/2017 23:05

I don't understand why you would concede one inch to this man. Being a proper father isn't something he can just choose to do when it suits him without consequences. You have the power here. Fuck that guy and fuck his mum. Who gives a shit what she thinks? I would take great pleasure in reminding her what a deadbeat her own son is, and I'd never let her forget it.

Original poster

Lifeisabloodysoap · 01/06/2017 23:13

Aquamarine I blame myself for him not being there as that's a all I've ever been told from his family since he left. He even said I was emotionally and physically abusing him which hurt me because my relationship before that was both physically and emotionally abusive!
Anything he can say to make me look like I'm stopping him and I'm not letting him see the kids he will say that why I wasn't sure if I just accept it and let her take the kids to him to stop all the accusation

OP posts:

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