Do i let ex mil take the kids to their father?

[Lifeisabloodysoap]

So my kids dad (3 & 1) hasn't seen them for over a year now in fact he's only met our daughter twice. This was due to him being completely inconsistent showing up 2 hrs late for our son and not wanting to be in the same room as me as his gf (ow) didn't like it and I was bf the baby so couldn't just hand her over really the 2 times he did have her he slept on the couch.
Now my ex mil asked if he could come back into the kids life's I said it would have to be gradual and in a space they are comfortable in she said that won't happen he doesn't want to be near me or the marital home.
My ex mil has been kind of consistent with seeing the kids nearly once every month and she asked if I would allow her to take the kids to see their dad.
What's everyone's opinions should I allow her to take the kids? It would be at their house nearly an hour away? The kids are still not 100% comfortable with them.

I would say no and your Ex MIL is lucky that you still allow her to see the DC. Especially as she thinks him not seeing them is your fault.

She should be ashamed that her son has chosen an woman over his children. Very ashamed. Why can't people admit that their children have done wrong.

You my dear are too nice... Because the day he walked past his son, he might as well be dead to me.

I'm angry on your behalf. Mothers of sons are really not helping raise responsible men, when they still side them in this situation. It's no wonder he turned out to be so stupid.

I'm not saying she can force him, but when my DB got divorced, there's no way my mum or any of us would support him not seeing his children. He would fall out of favour with us very quickly.

You just keep doing a great job with your children ....and your Ex can grow old, knowing he abandoned his children. Shame on him and on his OW.. That she's happy he doesn't see his children.

Your children deserve to have relationships with both parents but only if their father remains consistent in their lives. Yes, he's messed up but I think you need to consider giving him a final opportunity- not for his sake but for the sake of your children. So before any contact starts, you and him need to have a conversation about his intentions and you need to be reassured that he is serious about his commitment to his children.
I don't agree that it needs to be in a contact centre. Your children would be much better off with someone familiar present (grandmother) in a more natural setting.

STOP blaming yourself. The only one responsible for his behaviour is him. Don't enable him by allowing him a pass for being such a shit father. Gaslighters like your ex are masters at making others feel responsible. Don't fall for that bullshit.

Did you post about this when your DD was born? I remember a thread about a guy who took paternity leave and didn't even bother seeing his baby. What a disgrace.

I'd just say to exMIL "If exH wants contact then he needs to get in touch with me himself, but what is best for him won't be the deciding factor. It will be what is best for my children. And that will be gradual contact at a contact centre or at my children's home with me present. That is absolutely non negotiable. I appreciate that you make an effort with the kids and I don't want to fall out so I think it's best if we don't talk about it anymore." Then just repeat the last sentence every time she brings it up. Deflect deflect deflect. I bet you won't hear a peep from him.

I think I might agree to the contact with a trusted grandmother. In a Order that they have the chance of d a relationship with their dad.

Only you know if he is a risk to your kids or just very childish age flakey.

He hasn't proven to be a decent or committed father so far ......and after walking past his son, as a mother, I'd want to hear directly from him that he was sorry and is now ready to be a permanent feature in the life of both his children.

If he can't do that, then quite frankly they're better off without him in their lives.

There's nothing worse than a parent who breezes in and out of their child's life when it suits them.

Your Ex MIL may mean well but she can not make her son have a relationship with his children.

Gently explain to her that even though you believe that it's important for your children to have a relationship with their father, his inconsistency and inconsiderate behaviour, would do them more harm then good. He is welcome to contact you directly, only, if he's prepared to not mess his children around. In addition, you would hate for his behaviour to impact the relationship she has with her grandchildren and would therefore prefer her not to be directly involved with contact.

I have been there and still am there, EX's Mum is still in denial about how shitty her son is and seems oblivious to the serious impact that her son's behaviour has had on her granddaughter (she underwent EDMR therapy to deal with his shit).

DD's emotional wellbeing is my priority and Ex's mother's need to redeem her son, isn't. Be polite but firm, maintaining strong boundaries are really important here because they will be subject to trespass and you and your children will be the victims if the attempts are successful.

Hold firm.

The kids are still not 100% comfortable with them

There's your answer. Right there. No.

As nice as your MIL may be, do not underestimate the lengths she will go to satisfy her desire for redemption (as a mothe), by involving her son in her grandchildrens lives, even when it isn't in their best interests.

Thanks everyone I couldn't sleep last night thinking about this.
Yeah I posted when ex left about paternity leave as I say he took the whole month from the 1st of the month and didn't see dd till the 29th!
Ex won't communicate with me as it is disrespectful to his gf and also in his eyes we don't ever need to talk nor discuss anything. Anything we have to say or discuss has to go thru his father.
I just never want the kiddies to turn around and say daddy said you stopped him seeing me. I don't want to be blamed but I also don't want him to be inconsistent and in and out of the kids life's

"I just never want the kiddies to turn around and say daddy said you stopped him seeing me"

Why do you think they would say that to you?. He is more than simply inconsistent as well can cannot be bothered with them now let alone when they are older. Its his mother who has been making approaches re taking them to see him, not he. I would not let her use these children like this. They are not parcels to be passed around to a man who has no real interest in them. His parents will side with their son here rather than you out of some misplaced sense of loyalty. If she wants to see them then she can see them supervised in a contact centre. The fact too that her son thinks a contact centre is embarrassing as well speaks volumes about his whole rotten character.

Their dad is an inherently selfish person who has not seen his children for over a year and has only seen his own DD twice. Your children are still not comfortable with this man unsurprisingly. He has chosen to remain absent from their lives and I doubt very much he will be in their lives at all going forward as well. He is truly a deadbeat dad who is rarely if ever in their lives now.

Ex won't communicate with me as it is disrespectful to his gf
What nonsense is this. You have young children together, so obviously you need to communicate. I wonder what kind of woman is happy with a man who doesn't see his children. What happens if he has kids with her and they split up. Does that mean he'll not speak to her when he moves on. I'm sorry, but he's crazy and irresponsible.

Anything we have to say or discuss has to go thru his father.

Is he a man or a mouse. What grown up, sensible man does this.

When did he start being such an idiot in the relationship.

Parents are best in a child's life, if they are going to be a positive influence. Nothing about him, gives the impression that he's capable of that.

I know parents love their children unconditionally, but the inability to tell your child young or adult to when they are wrong, isn't helpful.

It simply enables their poor behaviour and has a negative affect on the way they conduct future relationships and their ability to deal with life's challenges.

Sandy it has been this way since the day he left. When he used to pick our ds up he would sit in the car and his dad would get him. He didn't come to the birth of his daughter because he couldn't stand to be in the same room as me! The day he walked out was the day his attitude changed.

When he had ds before I was always happier if his mum was there as when he lived with me I would come home from work and ds was still in his nappy from the nught before and had no breakfast because he was playing his xbox.

I remember your previous threads life and both your ex and his family are a disgrace.

They were the same family who removed all the furniture (because they had bought it as a gift to you both) when you were 9 months pregnant and your ex had left you.

You are very nice but they are acting and have acted appallingly to both you and especially your children.

Tell your ex MIL, that he will have have contact via a contact centre (as he has been an absent father) and if/they don't like that, then they can start contact proceedings to establish contact.

IMO, if MIL wants to see the DC and they are uncomfortable with her, then she really needs to expect contact to be in their own environment. Also, she should not be discussing his contact wth you, he needs to contact you himself.

I would say no it has to be on your terms where your children are comfortable. His the one that walked away he has to make the effort to get back into their lives and this should be financial contributions too. He needs to show the priorities are his kids not new gf or what happened in the past between you. If he can't do this he doesn't deserve your children in his life x

Third eye yes that was me. I have had to fight to keep the marital home and after a year of fighting he has signed the minute of agreement thank God!
His mum comes to my house to see the kids but always drops hints of me letting her take kids out on her own and that.

I know when he first left I wasn't an angel and said some hurtful things took 6 months of councilling to get to the stage I'm at but any day he showed up to have ds I was there handed him over no ifs or buts I couldn't take ds to him as I had just had a csection and couldn't drive he said that was inconvenient at the time he was 10 mins away.

I think also that you need to think ahead to when either this gf or another one has a baby.

I think given your MIL's previous behaviour towards you - and by extension your children, it's THEIR furniture and comfort they removed too, don't forget that - I think that when other grandchildren come on the scene, it's quite likely the lot of them will eventually disappear. Your ex definitely will, and I think it's likely that once MIL has access to GC nicely where they should be, in the house with their loving upstanding wonderful daddy, her wonderful son, then you and your DC and the nasty reminder they are that her son is actually a complete waste of skin might find yourselves yesterday's news.

Also - you have the control now, but as they get older, if MIL is still in close contact, I think you're going to find that she's only too willing to drip stories into their ears about how poor daddy was treated so badly by mummy etc. Be careful of that. Be VERY careful of that.

Two reasons not only to not give in an inch on letting your ex back in to mess them about, but also to think about distancing from MIL.

Thanks fizzy :)

Since the day he left I have wrote the kids letters to tell them about how things are at certain parts of their life's and how I was feeling about them. I also kept every lawyers letter that he ever sent to show them too so they don't just think mummy was the devil. I kept a diary of every time he was late or didn't show up and every time he's was nasty to me. Also when I wasn't nice to him so the kids can see it from both sides legally and not just what I say or what he says.