I can't event think how to header this subject....please read on ....

[Kaykj84]

Really really need some outside thoughts on this please..... I a mum of two, separated. I met a guy who I have been dating for three years. We do not kiss , he likes head space. We do not have sex ....he isn't in to stuff like that. He is a good kind man, he is good to my two children and me. I think he is spectrum, we discussed and he said a lot of people have said that over the years. His parents refuse it. Can I really spend the rest of my life not having a loving kiss ? It's pretty painful not having those moments of looking into someone's eyes knowing they want you or love you. I should add at this point he kisses the dog, he nuzzles right into her and cuddles and kisses her :(

Do you live together?

Unless you are over 80 split up with him.

We lived together for a year because of the children's dad causing me trouble, we both have our own places but he stays 5/7 nights a week

We are 28 and 30

Have you discussed the fact that you find affection important? I would battle in a relationship with no affection I must be honest.

So basically he's just your friend?

Multiple times, and he goes defensive saying he can't help it. I asked if we could just stay as a friendship because that's what I believe we are. He said he couldn't do that. It makes me feel unattractive I go for weekly spray tans, eyelash extensions. Spend stupid money on clothes and gym, and I have other guys ask me out or look at me. But whatever I do my bf can't kiss me or want me. It's really getting to me after three years

This is not a relationship

So...... just dump him?

Why can't you just dump his arse?

I know :( it's a friendship, he is my best friend. We love doing all the same stuff, we are basically the person. It's a soulmate but no romantic or sexual connection. Literally just best friends

What do you get out of it?

Move on, find someone who will kiss you straight out of your knickers shoes.

Life's too short. And to the pp who suggested that the OP move on unless she is over 80 - I hope to still be snogging then, too.

He is a good person , he has taken us on. We laugh all the time, enjoy the same things. I genuinely love him. But I need love back

Kay its amazing you've managed 3 years! I guess he is asexual? Its him not you. The spray tan thing is rather poignant - you need to believe in yr self worth & not look for validation based on this stuff.
Physical affection is important to you so you must end it & look elsewhere.

I don't understand this at all. You're not in a relationship.

Go and find somebody who will love you the way you should be loved.

He doesn't actually have the audacity to call himself your boyfriend surely?

He calls himself my partner, which frustrates me as prior to this I was with my children's dad for 13 years and from being in a long relationship to what I am in currently really confuses me

He is a good person , he has taken us on-. This is your problem. You don't seem to have a very high opinion of yourself, you think you are lucky he has 'taken you on'

Seriously you are getting nothing from this, you are worth more than having to settle for a half assed 'partner'

Well he can call himself your partner all he wants but what he actually is is a dog in a manger.

Sitting there stopping you actually finding anyone that will shower you with affection.

He's got it made. Who would put up with this other than someone with low self worth? He gets go be king of the castle without having to even hold your bloody hand.

Definitely dump him, 3 years is too long for this kind of experiment, 3 months should have told you what he was like! He is not compromising and so neither should you.

He is a friend and if he thinks he can't remain friends with you if you split up, then he is just manipulating you further. After 3 years you no longer know what's normal. Why shouldn't you put yourself first as well as showing your children what a normal loving relationship is? Or at minimum no relationship is better than showing them no love and affection is acceptable.

Think about what advice you'd give a friend who had a relationship like this?

Good luck OP.

I know :( I'm forever hopeful it will change or it's just a spell but like everyone says 3 years is too far. I think it's because I have low self esteem I allow it

Has he ever accepted that he might not be into 'things like that', but that most other people are? And you are one of them?

What does he say about it? Or does he just expect you to accept it (as you have been doing?).

Dump him, tell him why, and don't try to stay friends. He'll just hold you back from finding a better relationship.

Even Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory managed to Kiss Amy in that time, and he hates any physical contact (I know it's not real).

I think,you have come to a hiatus in your relationship. I think you have three options:

1. remain the same, and accept no physical contact
2. remain, but endeavour to make changes. Ie. Counselling. Have you considered sexual counselling (contact Relate)
3. Leave

Just realised, you said you were in a relationship for 13 years, plus this guy for three years, and you are only 28. Therefore, you have been in permanent relationships since you were a teen.

I guess you maybe a little scared of being on your own, which is natural, but if you can't consider a long term future with this guy, then you have to be brave and take the step. You can do it!

Does he actually sleep in your bed???

Sexual incompatibility is a thing. Some people can overcome it by compromise and potentially counselling. Other people can't.

Essentially, I think if it's always you giving (by sacrificing your needs), and him taking (by sacrificing nothing and making no compromises), then that relationship is unbalanced and unfair. If he's not prepared to compromise in any way, I would leave.

I'd also not subject myself to half-hearted attempts at genuine physical affection. I think that would seriously impact my self-esteem. It may be the case that no compromise is possible.