Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I can't event think how to header this subject....please read on ....

42 replies

Kaykj84 · 01/06/2017 10:18

Really really need some outside thoughts on this please..... I a mum of two, separated. I met a guy who I have been dating for three years. We do not kiss , he likes head space. We do not have sex ....he isn't in to stuff like that. He is a good kind man, he is good to my two children and me. I think he is spectrum, we discussed and he said a lot of people have said that over the years. His parents refuse it. Can I really spend the rest of my life not having a loving kiss ? It's pretty painful not having those moments of looking into someone's eyes knowing they want you or love you. I should add at this point he kisses the dog, he nuzzles right into her and cuddles and kisses her :(

OP posts:

Pinkheart5917 · 01/06/2017 11:09

I couldn't be with a man that showed me no psychical attention, I need cuddles/kisses/touch and sex

scampimom · 01/06/2017 11:10

Were you with your previous partner from the age of 12? So you've NEVER been an adult on your own?

This isn't a relationship, lovey. It's an arrangement. And it's not too much to ask of a partner that they desire you and love you. It's pretty much the basic requirement.

DomJolyNurse · 01/06/2017 11:19

He sounds like a "companion" and I would want more than that.

I am not sure how you can ask someone to feel something they are not feeling. After this long I dont think there can be anything holding him back.

Does he sleep in your bed? Has he ever had sex?

BluePeppers · 01/06/2017 11:21

If he is ion the spectrum, then this will be your life. Dont try and change him. He literally CAN NOT change that part of him.

So the question is, can you live with someone for the rest of your life wo sex, wo kissing?

IntheBenefitTrap · 01/06/2017 11:22

I'm married to someone to hates kissing. I thought I could cope but fuck me, after 8 years I crave it.

Original poster

Kaykj84 · 01/06/2017 11:26

Yes he does and he cuddles me all night, never let's go which is lovely. He has said he thinks he is spectrum and others have agreed, we watched a programme once with a guy who had the same traits and he kept saying to me don't ever leave me, and that he is so lucky to have me. I don't think it's him being an arse to me I think he genuinely is a sexual or spectrum. Spectrum more likely because of other traits he has.
It's just so difficult for me, and yes you are right I have been in a relationship since I was 15 bought a home at 17 and first child at 19. I've always had the family and relationship lifestyle and I could possibly be afraid to not have it, and it is all that I have ever known

OP posts:

Original poster

Kaykj84 · 01/06/2017 11:28

He didn't have sex until he was 23, he had a girlfriend before me of 6 months and she cheated ( I can guess why )
We had sex for the first few months but I think he forced himself to be normal

OP posts:

peaceout · 01/06/2017 11:35

It sounds to me as if he has 'captured' you
Sort of manoeuvred you into being what he wants and needs by pretending to offer things that you want and need
It's your basic bait and switch tactic

ElspethFlashman · 01/06/2017 12:19

He's your jailer.

It's up to you, but......this is prison.

BluePeppers · 01/06/2017 12:25

I agree that he is not being an arse.
He is being himself and being himself is wo sex.
And YY about him being worried that you will leave him. Becuase if he is on the spectrum, he will find it hard to connect to people and he will be fully aware that finding someone he will click with, like you two do, will be near impossible.

However, if this lifestyle (of no sex) isnt for you. It isnt. Just like if he was into BDSM and couldnt live wo it, you wouldnt have to accept it iyswim.

to you two because regardless of what you decide to do, this will be hard for both of you.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/06/2017 19:14

Sex is not "stuff like that"!!!! Sex is a critical part of a healthy, loving relationship for those claiming to be partners. You are NOT compatible with this man. If you stay with him you're just wasting your life.

murphys · 02/06/2017 07:21

Yes, you are just friends. Nothing more by the sounds of it. I think you need to break it off, you both have your own homes, so don't allow him to be at yours 5/7 nights per week.

Cary2012 · 02/06/2017 10:48

You both want and need different things. You did have sex in your relationship, but now your relationship is established, he no longer feels he needs to pretend to want it or enjoy it. He's happy as he is.

But he doesn't matter here, you do.

Like many you crave physical contact, and that's fine. But you must really look at him and understand him, because he's showing you who he is. This isn't a phase, it's him and it's how life will be with him.

You're too young to settle for this. And no more being grateful that 'he took me and the kids on'. He should be the grateful one for having you.

This isn't a proper relationship, and you must settle for no less than what YOU want.

Tell him that it's a deal breaker for you. Tell him you'd like to maintain your lovely friendship, but be prepared to lose him as a friend.

Can you really imagine being with him, in the same situation, in five or ten years time? Your best years are ahead, spend them wisely in a relationship where you feel cherished and valued, not rejected and sad.
,

Ellisandra · 02/06/2017 11:06

Anyone else not think he's Mr Nice Guy?

He knows full well he doesn't want a sexual relationship. And he'll also know damn well that most people do. So he had sex with you at first. You say trying to be normal, I say - because he knew he couldn't interest you in more than friendship if he didn't. Unless he told you up front that he is asexual but trying, then he lied to you.

I hate the phrase "took on my kids". No, he didn't. He didn't do you some favour. You have kids. That was a dealbreaker for him (it's allowed to be). End of. No "taking on".

You are going to be miserable with this man. You say he's your soulmate - not a single word in your post about how he's trying to make this work for you. Only manipulative crap about "oh please don't ever leave me".

Ellisandra · 02/06/2017 11:29

And although you don't say much about the father of your kids, I'm going to add 2 and 2 together and get 5.

you were very young
things moved quickly
you ended up with this new man staying with you because he was being arse

That all adds up to it being likely that your relationship with your ex was not a good one. That makes you vulnerable to accepting crap now because it's not as bad as the last one.

It would be hard enough to see this working if he had been honest from the start - it is very hard to give up sex and affection, even if you love someone enough to try. But he didn't even give you that choice - he hooked you with lies about his fundamental sex.

My fiancé has had a vasectomy. I think it would be like him meeting a woman of 30 with no kids and an interest in kids, and not mentioning he couldn't have them until 6 months in.

I have sympathy that it will be hard for this man to meet someone who is compatible (and that's not you) - although, joys of the Internet! Much easier to seek out like feeling people. But I have no sympathy for him pretending - lying to you - in the beginning, and none for him laying the manipulative shit on you not to leave him.

All the positives? You will find them elsewhere too, and in a man who also is sexually well matched with you.

BluePeppers · 02/06/2017 13:15

Ellie actually having lived with someone on the spectrum, I see that guy as being genuine and trying his best.
Notlying to deceive but trying to fit some 'convention' (ie having sex) to et what he really craves as a human being, something we all want, a meaningful relationhsip.
That's people on the spectrum do all day log. They try an try again to fit in in a system that doesnt work for them. Thats not lying.

Ellisandra · 02/06/2017 17:22

BluePeppers you may be right, or I may be right, or we both might be wrong

I have also lived with someone on the spectrum. 3 now adult siblings with autism diagnoses. 2 of whom have made suicide attempts which are linked to the pressure on them of not fitting the system. I am very sympathetic towards this man having a very difficult lot in life.

But he is 30, 27 when he got together with the OP. He has had at least one previous girlfriend, and had sex prior to that. He is old enough to know what he is like, and he is old enough to know that kissing and sex is what the majority of people want in a relationship and old enough to know that he isn't able to fit this convention.

He has not been fair to the OP.
And his response appears to be to guilt her into staying with him, and be defensive. He is not being fair. It's awful for him not to fit the system. But that doesn't give him the right to guilt trip the OP.

Flip

1 2