Abandoned

[lonelybutmarried]

Hi

Please help me, I think you might all say ltb but it's not that easy.

My DH has a history of becoming sulky and verbally unpleasant if we don't have sex on a regular basis - he would like it every night and it starts to become a problem if we go 3 or 4 nights without. This has been a constant in our relationship, he likens it to PMT and in fairness I've read other threads where people have agreed they get fed up if they dont have sex. However, this is an issue no matter what my circumstances are - for example after having the DC, being stressed etc.

Also I think he likes to be the focus of my attention, so if I am stressed about something or I am focused too much on someone else I don't think he likes it.

We are currently moving house. This is a massive financial commitment and as I am more cautious in this respect I'm feeling a bit anxious. At the same time my mother is dying from lung cancer - literally. He also wants to commit to a business opportunity.

I went to visit my mother last night. We hadn't had sex for 3 days prior to this. He more or less threw it in my face before I left.

I asked him to put the business opportunity on hold as too much is happening at once. He told me he couldn't stand the way I interfered.

This morning he went to work and said he'd check in through the day about my mum. He didn't. He's also not come home. I only found out when I called him just now. He says he hates me just now and needs space. Told me to concentrate on my mum. I can't though because of what he is doing.

I'm rambling I know. I don't know where to begin. I feel broken in so many ways. I'm losing my mum and my DH is threatening to leave me.

A man who threatens divorce because he believes he's entitled to sex every week regardless of circumstances or his wife's feelings is a man who richly deserves that divorce.

Sounds like my ex-husband, my grandad died in a horrific car accident and it was all about him I was devastated at the wake he wated to go after we had been there only an hour. He wanted to start a business wanted my support creating website and doing marketing however when it came to the financials I was completely left in the Dark.

Fast forward I left him I am now re- married to an amazing man who I have a 4 year old with we run a business together and everything is open and honest. He has supported me when I lost my Granny and is currently my rock as my Dad is receiving palliative care for brain cancer.

There are no comparisons between DH and ex. Ex would twist things I would take more and more stuff on so not to upset him, tread on egg shells my stress levels were through the roof.

I left ex best decision I ever made and the toughest and there were some really challenging times but I wouldn't change my life now and I'm trying to make every moment with my Dad and DH will never question that and is always ready for my tears and my anger at loosing my Dad too soon to an utterly awful disease.

Look after yourself and spend your time with your mum - your H needs to jog on

I felt so sad reading your posts.

You deserve someone who respects you and who loves you enough to put their needs aside while you are going through this tough time. It should not be just a case of you meeting his needs, what about him meeting yours? When this is at odds you should mutually compromise, in my opinion. Certainly, his behaviour towards you after the birth of your children is horrifying and abusive. He doesn't deserve you at all.

I hate men like this. Absolute prick. He doesn't deserve a loving wife and family.

I really hope this is your wake up call. Stop pretending ypu have a marriage...you have a dictatorship.

Just keep saying one thing to him..lm concentrating on looking after Mum right now as she is so ill. Dont discuss anything else. Let him rant and rave. He is being emotionally abusive. He is wrong. You are doing nothing wrong. So just say the above sentence and try and overcome your own fear of abandoment. The truth is is he is probably going nowhere. This is all just bullying tactics. But you can take the power into your own hands and dump him as he is awful. Mind yourself and concentrate on your mum. Step away from his drama and dont engage.

I think you need to split. Neither of you seem to be giving the other what they want

Big hugs to you op. I feel so sorry for you, you sound very lovely, you should LTB x

Are you married to my ex? Seriously the whole world had to revolve around him and what he wanted. He always found a way to make anything not focussed on him difficult and/or unpleasant.

Used to tear strips off me in a post mortem whenever we saw his friends or family - I was too dull, too fat, dressed wrong etc. Disappeared when my DS1 was a tiny baby ill in hospital - I found out years later he had started an affair with someone at work because he could not bear my attention being focussed elsewhere.

When he eventually did turn up he demanded that I go home with him instead of staying with my DS in hospital - he was happy then because he had won.

I wish I had taken a long hard look at him then and really taken note or his self centredness and lack of empathy. Sadly it took me thirty years and ruined my life. Don't be me.

OP, I suspect your DH is shagging about and, you know what? He's going to make it YOUR FAULT because you 'wouldn't have sex with him'. He doesn't care about what you're going through. He's like a toddler who has to have what he wants..NOW! Imagine him throwing himself on the floor with s little red face, kicking and screaming and yelling I WANT IT!

Then tell him it's over. You've seen through him.

Thinking about you today OP I really hope you follow the advice given to you, you will be so much happier once your free from him

Thank you everyone. Am feeling utterly numb. Not sure what to do. Will try my best to focus on mum and deal with him at a later date.

I'd send his things to the flat.

You really are better off out of this

for you at a very sad time.

Id text the prick and advise to him that until he has sorted his sex addiction out that he will not we welcome back home, and if he does not get himself help, I would be seeing a solicitor for grounds of unreasonable behaviour due to him thinking he has sexual ownership over YOUR body.

I agree, you need space. He should stay at the flat so you can at least deal with your mum and the children and don't have to cope with his disgusting behaviour and ridiculous demands.

OMG, one of the worst things I've read on here in a while; OP, sorry but your husband is abusing you both verbally and sexually, never mind treating you like a piece of crap.

I really hope you wise up and see what is going on; this is not a relationship, it's a control and abuse situation that he just loves and you are the victim; I really hope you find the strength to contact WA who can help you get away but also realise that what has become your norm is anything but.

I'd hazard a guess also that he's shagging about.

OP

STOP the house sale, NO to the business, focus on your mum.

Can you tell him to stay at the flat until things are calmer? when you'll have a clear head to divorce the bastard

Really, all that glowering and bullying and stomping and nastiness is a nasty little goblin in a man's body. You do not have to take seriously even ONE of his demands. He has controlled and manipulated you for a long time. Focus on your mum and push all thought of him out of your head..

You don't need his permission.

Vermillion

My DH has a similar response to lack of sex in that it makes it grumpy. But there the resrmblance ends.
Because he makes sure that's his problem, not mine. There have been plenty of times when we've had long dry spells (non-sleeping twins will do that!), but I've never once felt pressured to have sex with him.

*makes HIM grumpy, not it!

Thank you everyone. Vermillion your post really breaks my heart.

Alfred thank you so much for telling me about your husband. I get that he is frustrated and respect his need for intimacy but when he doesn't 'get it' it's definitely my fault. It doesn't seem to matter to him if I'm too tired, feeling ill or just don't feel like it. Makes me feel really devalued.

Anyway, he has announced that he is coming back and I better not have had a glass of wine in case I'm confrontational!! Guess he just wants me to do as I'm told.....,,

Oh, OP - I really wish you wouldn't let him back. He sounds horrid and I can guarantee he's not going to apologise for his behaviour. Just expect sex

You've got it in one. You are his handmaiden, to do exactly as he says - nay, to think exactly as he says; to not have a personality/opinions/desires that are not his. You are to be an extension of him. It's your duty to give him sex when he wants it and he's VERY angry when you don't understand your role in the world: to serve him.

Do the Freedom Programme. That will make crystal clear the type of person you're dealing with, plus you'll meet other lovely, ordinary women who are caught in the same trap.

They do it slowly op, so you don't realise what's happening. Before you know it you're stressed, unhappy, can never do anything right, treading on eggshells, constantly in the wrong, accused of allsorts of awful things. You end up believing it.

Do the Freedom Programme.

He won't want sex on this occasion, he has said he doesn't even want dinner. Apparently I've let us all down, including myself - sort of thing my parents might have said to me.

They do it slowly = abusers do it slowly xx