Abandoned

[lonelybutmarried]

Hi

Please help me, I think you might all say ltb but it's not that easy.

My DH has a history of becoming sulky and verbally unpleasant if we don't have sex on a regular basis - he would like it every night and it starts to become a problem if we go 3 or 4 nights without. This has been a constant in our relationship, he likens it to PMT and in fairness I've read other threads where people have agreed they get fed up if they dont have sex. However, this is an issue no matter what my circumstances are - for example after having the DC, being stressed etc.

Also I think he likes to be the focus of my attention, so if I am stressed about something or I am focused too much on someone else I don't think he likes it.

We are currently moving house. This is a massive financial commitment and as I am more cautious in this respect I'm feeling a bit anxious. At the same time my mother is dying from lung cancer - literally. He also wants to commit to a business opportunity.

I went to visit my mother last night. We hadn't had sex for 3 days prior to this. He more or less threw it in my face before I left.

I asked him to put the business opportunity on hold as too much is happening at once. He told me he couldn't stand the way I interfered.

This morning he went to work and said he'd check in through the day about my mum. He didn't. He's also not come home. I only found out when I called him just now. He says he hates me just now and needs space. Told me to concentrate on my mum. I can't though because of what he is doing.

I'm rambling I know. I don't know where to begin. I feel broken in so many ways. I'm losing my mum and my DH is threatening to leave me.

I don't think he is there with anyone although obviously I can't be sure.......not sure I care right now.

I could confide in a friend but we're all part of a big group so I need to be sure it's the right thing to do. No going back once I've done that.

Can you think of other instances when you've needed some TLC, and he's been a dick?

Would a friend from that group keep your confidence?

Be careful who you talk to. If you're not sure what your next move is yet you don't want it getting back to him.
Have you got a friend who is a bit removed from your close circle?

If you step out of line?? Oh my fucking god your post is making me so angry on your behalf. Who the hell does he think he is? How dare he treat you like this with all you're going through. I'm so sorry about your mother! Please listen to PPs and do not commit to anything else financial with him. Focus on your mum, your children, and yourself. He is a selfish, pathetic, controlling excuse for a man. LTB and behave as badly as you want!! You deserve so much better than this.

Yes squirmy and it's normally due to his need for sex. For example he was properly sulking and threatening divorce when I didn't feel like sex just days after having the children. He doesn't really do tlc.

Wow, as previous posters have said this isn't healthy and definitely isn't normal. Please leave him, what sort of man pressures someone for sex and then sulks like a man child?! Then forces business opportunities on their partner when they are dealing with the most difficult time of their life? And your not even allowed to know about this "business deal" I can bet it's your money that's going towards it though!! Sounds SO dodgy to me. So many red flags OP, please think long and hard about what this idiot is actually doing to help you and make your life better, from what you have said he's an emotional abuser and a manipulator who you will be so much happier without. He won't change.

Don't sign anything about that business. I would be deeply suspicious frankly.

Someone who can't go 4 days without sex after his wife has had a baby or is dealing with a dying mother has serious problems (is a selfish fuck is another way to say that).

If possible, delay or cancel the financial commitment to the house - is this possible?

Slow everything down and remember - at the time you needed him most he got in a pout because of sex, moved out, left you with 3 children, and told you he hated you. When people tell you what they are - and what they think of you - believe them.

You can do so so much better.

Yes squirmy and it's normally due to his need for sex. For example he was properly sulking and threatening divorce when I didn't feel like sex just days after having the children. He doesn't really do tlc.

So wish you had let him file for divorce then. This is coercive and nasty.

You're in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship
Call women's aid for some advice

Thank you. I should say in fairness to him I'm not perfect - I'm much more cautious than him, I get a bit grumpy when I'm tired, i don't have his vision and ambition, i don't want as much sex as he does.

He pressured you into sex days after giving birth.... That is not normal and could have caused you serious harm... Is he an idiot as well as a sex addict? Please don't make excuses for him, you deserve a lot better than this

That's normal OP!

Everyone gets grumpy when the are tired. Nice people do NOT get grumpy when their wife has just given birth. That's truly shocking.

I can delay on the house as we haven't exchanged contracts.

The business is a potentially good investment but too much at once. I'm happy to peruse that but leave the house. The consequences will cause upheaval for the children so I just wanted everything to slow down. I felt it was fair to air my concerns.

I think I can confide in a friend but I don't want to until I have decided what to do. They all know what he is like but not quite how nasty it all is.

No no no
Nobody is perfect. Not everybody is emotionally and sexually abusive to their partner.

Tell your friend. Sometimes it takes physically seeing the shock on someones face to make you realise how shit the person who is supposed to love you is treating you. If they can't be there for you at the worst times in your life then seriously what is the fucking point?

If you got cancer tomorrow, how would he react to that? Lovingly looking after you as he should do or pretending that none of it happening in order to get his end away?

Tell your friend. You need the support. I'm really sorry about your Mum.

I'm much more cautious than him, I get a bit grumpy when I'm tired, i don't have his vision and ambition, i don't want as much sex as he does.

these aren't faults. They are just ways in which you differ from him. YOu also don't coerce him into sex, you probably care about his feelings, and would never abandon him when his mother was dying.

He is a complete tosser. Sorry OP.

You know blokes can just have a wank? Sex is not the only answer.

Especially days after giving birth when it's recommended you don't for up to 6 weeks.

Due to various reasons we didn't have sex for 9 months after DS was born. DP was content to wait until I was ready. Absolutely no pressure and he made sure that I knew that.

What he's doing is not right. It's not kind and it's just nasty.

I even took full responsibility for the disagreement over the business and apologised several times yet he still hates me and is still punishing me.

This is beyond wretched! You have limited time left with your mother and he's treating you this way? He should only be noticeably impacting your life for the better - instead he actually sounds terrifying.

Focus on spending time with your mum, ask him to stay in the flat for now. Friends can think it's for an easier commute or similar.

OP none of his behaviour is even remotely normal. It is hideous. Sex under duress is not normal. He is emotionally abusive to you. I simply cannot believe he demands sex so often including on off days and even so soon after birth, which can be dangerous. Does he realise you actually have emotions, feelings, a choice? I can't bear to think of how he treats you, it's despicable.

I felt sick reading your posts. He's not supporting you in a time of need - which is normal - he's actively sabotaging what time you have left with your dear mother

Not now but... Plan your divorce when you can. When you have time to clear your mind and get a good strategy. Speak to a professional or seek help here as to how to start the early stages - eg ensuring he doesn't clear the bank accounts, how to get advice without tipping him off to it.

OP I wish you so much luck. Please - if you can't get support about your mum with him - feel free to post separately about that here. Mumsnet can be a great support network

Fuckyoulinda, your dp sounds lovely, can't begin to imagine mine doing that.

Thank you, you're all so kind.

Op you deserve so much better than this! I remember my husband wanting to be sure that I was OK and checked by a Doctor (so after six week check) before making love again. Even then he was so incredibly gentle and loving and treated me like I was so fragile I might break (I had to assure him that I wasn't). We were both terrified! Never once in the six weeks after birth did he pressure me for sex! I offered to help him in other ways but he refused, as he said it was unfair to me. That is how a loving husband treats his wife!

Your husband is a bully and as fast as I am concerned a rapist too! He threatened you with divorce at a time when you were feeling incredibly vulnerable! A time you should have been healing and bonding with your newborns! Please, please tell him to stay in the flat! Ask a friend/ relative to come stay with you to help with your little ones, and so you can concentrate on your Mum. Phone woman's aid and ask for advice and help and use the lovely people on here as your sounding board. They know much better than I do about what you need to organise whilst he is away.

So many hugs to you and your children! Hold your babies close and concentrate on making a better future for you and your little ones.

this is not the way you treat someone you love.

i havent had full sex with my DP for a year due to various health reasons (and we are in our 20s!) and not once has he complained. he said he would rather never have sex again than leave me.