My DH has apparently offended my family.

[Ladybabyblues]

Hello all,

I have never posted in Relationships before but I don't think if there's anywhere else that would fit.

Basically I had a baby 8 months ago. I had an aunt and a female cousin who live 150km away who happened to be in the vicinity on holiday at the time. They wanted to drop off presents for the baby.

That would have been quite normal except it was Day 3 and I had crushing baby blues that day. I was bawling, very low, wanted to jump out the window basically. Couldn't face the visit as I knew they'd stay ages. Had my tit out the whole time, bleeding all over the place you know the score. Felt disgusting and low and desperately tearful.

My DH really really didn't want them to come. I felt like I couldn't put them off as they had presents and were literally on their way back home that afternoon. But in desperation I texted and said "I have terrible baby blues and am having a hard day so I might not be the best company '. They were undeterred. DH thought it was the height of ignorance and was pretty pissed off.

I was wobbly but held it together and made small talk. At least I think so, I can't remember that much about it. DH seemed fine. Not effusive, but polite. He didn't sit down with us but that's cos he was busy with our toddler. I suppose he may have been a bit stiff perhaps?

I found out today that the cousin has been saying my DH made them feel very unwelcome.

I am devastated. So I texted her and said I had heard she was upset after coming to see me. I was so so very sorry but I wanted to jump out the window that day and DH was desperately worried about me. I'm so sorry if you or your Mum were offended by either of us and I hope I can make it up to you some day.

She replied: Nothing to feel sorry about Hun. Just got the impression that X didn't want us there.

Her reply has upset me even more tbh. It's like she ignored all the baby blues stuff and wants to demonise my DH, who to be frank is the only one who has actually helped me day in day out.

Do I reply? I'm so upset on DHs behalf. He was probably stand offish but FFS I explained the context!!! So I want to defend him. But is there any point?

Offended, not whatever fake forrin that is there. My keyboard has turned on me.

7/8 months on she is still holding some kind of grudge? That's ridiculous (on her part, not yours)

TBH, I wouldn't engage in it further - there is no way to change what happened back then, and the chances of them suddenly seeing things from your perspective are probably nil

Draw a line and move forward

I think you made a mistake in apologising so much in your text - this allows them to continue thinking that they are in the right and your dh was in the wrong.
In reality, you were pissed off with them for insisting on calling in and not picking up on your hints that it didn't suit.
This is what happens when we are less than honest in our communication.
In a situation like this, you need to decide whether you want to communicate your annoyance, or whether you want to let it go. Instead, you gave a faux apology, that you don't think they deserved, and now your pissed off because they haven't responded in the way you wanted.
It's probably best to let this one go, but perhaps read up on some tips on assertiveness - sounds like you need it with this pair!

No actually the apology was real cos I was/am horrified at the thought he may have actually come across as rude.

That doesn't mean I am not really upset at her for being a shit friend but what if he did make some passive aggressive noises that I was oblivious to? Its all a bit of a blur. Perhaps he was downright cold, I don't really know. And I don't feel like pressing her for details!

there is no way to change what happened back then, and the chances of them suddenly seeing things from your perspective are probably nil

I think you're right.

Doing/ saying nothing more on the subject is a valid option too.

it's unlikely they'll suddenly turn round and think "what assholes we were not to realise how pushy we were, no wonder her dh had a huff" - that would involve more self-awareness than they have

Absolutely.

Thank you all, you have been so kind.

I haven't answered and I'm not going to. But I've gotten satisfaction out of giving her all your replies in my imagination!

Reiterate: "DH was desperately worried about me that day, I'd been very low and having various issues. Sorry if you misinterpreted his worry for anything else as it truly wasn't the case."

After that I'd leave it. She's being rude running around bad mouthing your DH and to be honest ignorant that she could see it was a bloody awkward and inconvenient time for you both to host them.

"Dear X, I was the one who didn't feel up to having company, and DH was just supporting me at a difficult time. If you're going to be upset with anyone, it should be with me -- but I hope you can understand how tough it can be to deal with postnatal depression and visitors at the same time."

I can't believe she's still grudging over this eight months later. Shows a massive lack of self awareness. I wouldn't have been as apologetic as you, but I understand your desire to not further ruffle any feathers.

Call her. Phone calls/actual talking will probably make you feel better

Frankly I'd reply - Well I didn't want you here but you didn't take the hint. Yes DH was a bit miffed at your thoughtlessness
Probably not the most diplomatic but hey

Maybe something more PA - general tip when a newly delivered mother says she has the baby blues, just leave her be