My DH has apparently offended my family.

[Ladybabyblues]

Hello all,

I have never posted in Relationships before but I don't think if there's anywhere else that would fit.

Basically I had a baby 8 months ago. I had an aunt and a female cousin who live 150km away who happened to be in the vicinity on holiday at the time. They wanted to drop off presents for the baby.

That would have been quite normal except it was Day 3 and I had crushing baby blues that day. I was bawling, very low, wanted to jump out the window basically. Couldn't face the visit as I knew they'd stay ages. Had my tit out the whole time, bleeding all over the place you know the score. Felt disgusting and low and desperately tearful.

My DH really really didn't want them to come. I felt like I couldn't put them off as they had presents and were literally on their way back home that afternoon. But in desperation I texted and said "I have terrible baby blues and am having a hard day so I might not be the best company '. They were undeterred. DH thought it was the height of ignorance and was pretty pissed off.

I was wobbly but held it together and made small talk. At least I think so, I can't remember that much about it. DH seemed fine. Not effusive, but polite. He didn't sit down with us but that's cos he was busy with our toddler. I suppose he may have been a bit stiff perhaps?

I found out today that the cousin has been saying my DH made them feel very unwelcome.

I am devastated. So I texted her and said I had heard she was upset after coming to see me. I was so so very sorry but I wanted to jump out the window that day and DH was desperately worried about me. I'm so sorry if you or your Mum were offended by either of us and I hope I can make it up to you some day.

She replied: Nothing to feel sorry about Hun. Just got the impression that X didn't want us there.

Her reply has upset me even more tbh. It's like she ignored all the baby blues stuff and wants to demonise my DH, who to be frank is the only one who has actually helped me day in day out.

Do I reply? I'm so upset on DHs behalf. He was probably stand offish but FFS I explained the context!!! So I want to defend him. But is there any point?

just let it slide, he is right. they are wrong. you have enough on your plate, chalk this down to experience XX don't make a drama out of it basically

I have quite a few family and friends who live quite far away and if I'd been in that situation I would have asked if you needed anything from the shops, brought cake/biscuits or similar, knocked on the door, passed over the presents and then left without coming in.
I would also have offered to take toddler out to the playpark or to do the washing up or similar.
Any of that would have been the polite thing for them to do.
Who expects to hang around making small talk 3 days after a baby is born unless very specifically invited?

'Am I petty for wanting her to realise she's supposed to feel sorry for me?'
Not petty but unrealistic. Asking her to accept that you felt awful, and to feel sad for you but not allow her any way to alleviate your difficulties or your sadness, is an impossible situation. If she's someone who likes to offer practical support then having that support pushed away, leaves her with nowhere to go.
You and the baby should have taken priority but you can't make her feel happy about how your DH acted. If your DH feels he was rude, let him apologise. If he doesn't, then accept your cousin doesn't want to be in his company and decide if you want to maintain a relationship with her or not. You can't make her see your DH's actions differently.

Have you been treated for your PND? Your reaction seems a bit extreme.

Honestly, you'd be completely entitled to be really angry at her IF she WAS demonizing your DH or refusing to visit because she was still mad about him being cool with her.

But your post doesn't actually really say that. Nowhere have you actually shown that she said she is no longer visiting because of your DH. Your post says that you were complaining to a third party that your cousin hadn't contacted you enough. The third party then suggested that she'd felt a bit unwelcome when they'd visited last time and that's why she might not come. The 3rd party assumed that. But your cousin hasn't confirmed this at all. In fact, her text is very low key and non drama filled at all.

Maybe she came over, got a cool reception from your DH and realized that she shouldn't have come over. Also, you don't even remember what happened. Maybe he made the (valid) point that you weren't up to visitors so she read that as a call to back off. Realized you were struggling and wanted your DH's support. Maybe she then tried to back off a bit in response to your perceived wishes. Not to be malicious or rude but just because she overcorrected to her own perceived mistake.

I dunno. I guess she may be all the names people on this thread are calling her but it really depends on whether she is actually punishing you. Is she actually refusing to visit because of your DH? Is she trying to demonize him? Did she actually say that?

Also, stop texting and call her. Texts can be misread or misconstrued. Especially all the passive aggressive texts that people are recommending you send. I can't even tell from that text whether she's even angry. I mean, posters seem convinced on this thread that she's furious but the one text she's sent doesn't really support that at all. If anything, her text is much more low key than yours is.

I am prepared to be shouted down. I see nothing wrong with her message. She was wrong to come when asked not but she did come but I can see why they popped in. Your husband did not want them there and it showed - she has just commented on that fact. If you feel that strongly about it text her back but this is probably bigger in your mind than it actually is. I have to hasten to add I let this happen to me all the time without meaning it to.

If you want a fight then you can tell her you wish she hadn't come at all/you're surprised she didn't realise you didn't want her to come at all/you're furious that she's upset with your dh.

If you want to see more of her you could just say that yes, your dh was worried about you and probably didn't seem welcoming for that reason, but you feel much better now and hope you see/speak soon.

Up to you, but I don't think there's any point making a big deal out of this especially if you don't have a lot of support.

It's done now - it was a tough time, you could have just said no, she could have been more sensitive. Maybe best to draw a line.

Sorry I guess the reason her text bothered me is because normally she's a right proper Nethuns texter. All effusive and emoticons and lols all over the place. So her tone was so unlike her that I realised she was really pissed off.

They have never had much insight as a family. But I honestly thought that day that since I had pre-warned them that they would be kind. I also blurted out something along the lines of "Sorry, I'm not great today" and they made the appropriate murmurs.

But now I'm realising they were pissed off underneath.

Yes, defend him. A phonecall might work better to explain to her that he didn't mean to be unwelcoming but what she picked up on was him being protective of you e.

I suppose I'm rattled cos I have no family within 150km and they are the remains of what little family I have.

And they have been 100% absent since the baby was born. I had been a bit upset all along and now it makes sense. So now I'm starting to think I have nobody. Pathetic isn't it?

I won't answer. I will be seeing them in some capacity when they come to this side for their annual holiday this summer. I don't want any atmosphere. I haven't the energy. I'll just smile and nod.

Perhaps you need to return that dish of honesty to her...

Put her straight. Remind her that you texted to say that you were a complete mess, not at all yourself and really struggling. Remind her that you had the baby blues and were in bits.

Tell her that actually your H was being protective and knew that you really were not up to having visitors and had felt pressured to do so, for which he was angry. So forgive him if he came across prickly, he was worried about you, and he's rubbish at poker.

If she gets offended so be it. She DID ignore the cues, they DID outstay their welcome and you WERE not in the best place.

Suggest that it was more their determination to visit regardless than them themselves, and that now circumstances are different, and the visit planned properly, doubtless they would get a better reception.

Sorry but if someone was dropping presents off to me I'd at least make them feel welcome; he didn't want them there and it showed, she's commented, end of.

You could though explain that he was worried about you as you are having a tough time and he didn't mean it, I'd not get into a fight about it as that will make them more angry if they've bothered to buy presents, is it such a big deal really; let it go, if she persists in going on about it I'd then tell her to shove it.

"yeah you're probably right, like I said he was very worried about me. I should have just been upfront and cancelled but you were so pushy hun, LOL"

I think this is perfect

What inkypink said. Rude and entitled women. Poor you.

Why make a Drama out of it/

She said it was Ok.

So send her this text instead..
Thank you so much for understanding that with the upheaval of a new baby you didn't see us at our best, can we arrange another time as I would love to see you and show off the baby, the gift of xxxx was lovely,,,,,love your cousin

I'd probably give her a ring, and go down the line of saying that she shouldn't take it personally, you would have struggled with any visitors that day as you were both exhausted and finding it hard to cope with baby blues. However, as they were both so keen to see you and the baby, you went ahead with the visit. Since they are such close family, you knew they'd understand that you were just trying to cope with the new baby, and that DH was looking after you and toddler, so you weren't able to stand on ceremony for them.

I think I'd answer

"I'm so disappointed you feel like that! As you know, I was too unwell for visitors really but we made an exception for you as you are our only family. I've been sad to hear less from you recently, but now I understand why."

Put your husband before them, he had your best interests at heart and your back, they don't.

They can be upset all they like. They came when they weren't wanted.

Frankly I'd tell them "yes, he didn't want you there, I had told you I didn't feel up to it and you came anyway"

I don't really get the 'but they brought gifts!' bit. They're not the Magi. Fair enough that they were in the area and it's easier to drop the presents off than post them, but in those circs, I'd take the hint(s) that you really weren't up for visitors and leave the present at the door with your DH. Their M&S changing bag does not trump your mental health.

I also can't stand people who insist on bedside hospital visits when the patient has made it clear that major surgery/general anaesthetic/catheterisation isn't exactly conducive to polite chit-chat.

Phone her to clear the air, not text.
It's no big deal. Her reply doesn't sound that bad. Just give her a ring to arrange another time she can come for a proper visit.

Op I understand you must have felt very obligated to see them because you have very little family support and them showing interest must have really guilted you into allowing them to come. They are very wrong to have been saying stuff about your dh.
Fwiw well done to your dh for being polite in that situation. I felt sorry for you to have to even explain the baby blues part and they just glossed over that.
You know what, people like that just don't deserve headspace. Have they ever asked about you and how are you feeling after that? Stuff them, you have your little family to worry about.

I agree. Phone her but DO NOT APOLOGISE.

Tell her it would have been nice to see her but you were in no fit state and your DH was supporting what you wanted.

You have a choice. Decide on a day you feel on top of things, but make it a phone chat not a text. If you want, remind her of the situation that day. Sadly, you cannot define her response. It could help, or it could make things worse. You have to decide how you'd feel if you lost the friendship. I do think some people cannot empathise. Quite likely yr cousin had helpful support from your aunt after her babe/s came. Maybe didn't have the blues. It might also be your aunt that's leading on the whole being äffendes thing. Aunt is in a different generation, etc. Possibly one where women didn't acknowledge the blues, but also often had community support as well as family, health support too.

... but if you can't be arsed, not phoning is fine.

Just don't text

I'd leave it and make the best of your relationship with them - it's unlikely they'll suddenly turn round and think "what assholes we were not to realise how pushy we were, no wonder her dh had a huff" - that would involve more self-awareness than they have. So pursuing it will only get you into a spat, and unless you're ok with them not being in your life, it's not worth it.

Just let it go to them, but make sure your dh knows how you feel about it.

Reach out the hand of understanding and friendship - you'll be and feel the better, bigger person because of it.
Do not send narky text messages - that's what immature people do.
Love yourself and your family by letting going of the hurt and resentment by building bridges of love and understanding.