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Original poster

Husband been diagnosed with ADHD

52 replies

Exhaustedmumof4 · 30/05/2017 21:48

As the title says, my husband has just been diagnosed with ADHD. At first I was so happy that there was an explanation for his bizarre, often selfish and sometimes dangerous behaviour. Our marriage has been in crisis for some time. We have very young children and no support at all. I could go on for hours about some of the things he's done; substance abuse, running up huge debts, speeding, losing job after job, being messy and chaotic, and just being wrapped up in his own little world, ignoring me and my needs.

Since the initial burst of happiness and hope I got with his diagnosis, I just feel like I've been plunged into this pit of despair because things will never get better. He'll be like this forever. He is resistant to taking medication, and his psychiatrist said he can't start therapy until he is on meds as his brain isn't calm enough. I just don't think I can cope with his behaviour for the rest of my life. I know it's not his fault but I am so stressed and angry about having to do everything, remember everything, organize everything. Even the tiny things I ask him to do he can't seem to manage. For instance, this morning I was taking the kids out for the day, I'd organized everyone, fed them, got them dressed, sorted the house out while he slept, then I asked him to watch the baby for a few minutes while I showered. Came out of the shower and the baby was in the cot screaming and my husband was in the garden on the phone. This kind of thing happens all the time. I know it isn't deliberate but how can I live like this? I can't trust him to do anything. We are fighting all the time, we've had a few big fights in front of the kids and I just feel so helpless. I'm on edge all the time. Is there anybody out there who can give me any advice? I don't want to break up my family but I'm really struggling to cope right now.

OP posts:
whitehandledkitchenknife · 04/06/2017 09:41

I feel for you exhausted. This may or may not be relevant but do his family recognise the difficulties? Or do they think he is ok? And you're the one with the problem? It's one thing to try and get through to him but if you're also having to deal with his family backing him up, then that is another whole world of pain.

Original poster
Exhaustedmumof4 · 04/06/2017 10:27

His family are a huge problem. I actually got the tip off about ADHD from his sister who is in therapy for depression. She told me her therapist thought she had ADHD. I started googling and the list of symptoms was word for word the exhaustive argument we had the day before. I then basically railroaded him into getting the assessment. His sister is refusing to be diagnosed Hmm. His mum is pretty much completely crazy, I've long suspected a personality disorder but she's absolutely got undiagnosed ADHD as well. All of them are very self absorbed, lacking in empathy and very selfish. He hasn't told them about the diagnosis and they would not be supportive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Exhaustedmumof4 · 04/06/2017 10:29

To clarify, his sister knows about his diagnosis but his mum and dad do not.

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 04/06/2017 11:34

Whether he has ADHD or not, you don't have to stay with him.When your partner's behaviour is causing you mental health problems and negatively impacting on the children you do have to consider whether you would be better living apart.

Original poster
Exhaustedmumof4 · 04/06/2017 23:41

So tonight I tried to talk to him. Tried to tell him I'd reached the end of the road and I can't continue like this. Got a mouthful of abuse for my trouble. He's fine apparently. He's happy. No he doesn't need to take medication or go to therapy. I'm the one with the problem. I'm a miserable bitch, I'm depressed and blaming it all on him. I'm selfish for wanting to break up our family. 13 years we've been together. He can't even try to understand what I'm going through. He won't even listen to how I feel. I told him it's over. What the fuck am I going to do now?

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 04/06/2017 23:51

Separate.

I think you have no choice.

Having ADHD isn't a free pass for being a selfish, rude, unhelpful and downright nasty piece of work.

You have your children to think of. And, although I know it would indeed be hard doing it alone, I can't help thinking it'd be easier in many ways than it is now. Ok you have someone there to watch the baby. Great. But - they font actually watch the baby. Oh, and they constantly rack up thousands in parking fines and think it's not a problem (that is unbelievable behaviour, by the way- how on earth can you stand it?!)

I think I'd rather save the parking fines, the constant worry and not being able to plan a single thing and being ground down with the stress of having no real control over your life- and take the having no one to watch the baby option.

His attitude in your last post is the killer, you know. He may have a condition, but on top of that he is a nasty prick too. You're suffering. The children are suffering. He doesn't give a shit.

You need to leave.

Original poster
Exhaustedmumof4 · 04/06/2017 23:57

I know. I actually am dumbfounded he reacted like that but I shouldn't be surprised. We've been getting on so badly, I've said some things to him I shouldn't have. He's angry. I'm angry. I know he'll regret saying that, but I think it might be the last straw. I can cope with the ADHD behavior but i cannot cope with his attitude. He's going away on Tuesday for a week so I'll have time to think it through. Part of me hopes he doesn't come back.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 05/06/2017 00:03

I'm sorry but how does having. ADHD mean he gets shed loads of parking tickets which you then need to pay for. Or that he is on his phone and ignores a crying child.
You seem unable to separate what's the ADHD with when he's just being an arse. Can you separate until he is trying meds and counselling? Then see if things have actually changed.
It does all sound exhausting.

Myeyesmyears · 05/06/2017 00:21

This is very very familiar

DP has ADHD and was diagnosed in Nov - two years after DS. DP initiated diagnosis himself because he saw what a life-changing affect medication had on DS.

When I first read him the list of ADHD traits when I thought DS had it he just said, 'yes, well,I though all that was normal, that's how I was'. The penny dropped for me then.

Even though DP is on medication now and much more self aware, and we can both differentiate when he's 'just' being an idiot and when ADHD has got the better of him (for instance he's been working silly hours in a project he's responsible for and when he got back after it finished he was all over the place yesterday) - I have still found it a massive massive shock to the core - because I've dealt with this for twenty years. I'm starting therapy to deal with it because I have shed loads of issues about it.

The parking ticket thing is familiar - I have to open all the post in this house and we long ago made an agreement that I open his post. For those shocked at the behaviour of OPs DO - those things are all ADHD traits and they take some managing in the part of the person with ADHD. It's also true to say that risk-taking is a trait (and evolutionary behaviourists believe it's very useful to have people like that - hence it's still around).

Nevertheless it is also true to say that people with ADHD are incredibly charismatic, inventive, sparky and inspiring in many ways. They make things happen. DP is a bit like the pied piper. This is the continual up and down of life with someone like that.

OP you can message me if you want to chat

Myeyesmyears · 05/06/2017 00:26

If you do get through to him in any way this video is a slightly off the wall explanation of ADHD traits. It made me laugh

Original poster
Exhaustedmumof4 · 05/06/2017 13:12

Ok so there's been a huge breakthrough this morning. He broke down and admitted his drug use is way out of control. He smokes weed every day and uses cocaine recreationally, which I knew, but he's admitted to taking cocaine every day for months, which I did not know. It sounds like the stress of our family, our relationship, setting up a business and the unmanaged ADHD has sent him into a downward spiral. He has agreed to go into inpatient rehab. I want to thank everyone who commented and who took the time to PM me and offer support because without that I wouldn't have found it in myself to give him an ultimatum, and I'd still be in the dark about what was going on. I'm going to stop commenting now and focus on my family, thanks again x

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 05/06/2017 13:15

Good luck op. Hope he can get clean and come home. If he can't then you need to put you and the kids first. Wishing you well. Flowers

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 05/06/2017 13:20

Thank you for that video!!!!!!!!!!!

emesis · 05/06/2017 13:57

That's an amazing outcome OP. I really wish you both all the best. I'm diagnosed ADHD (by a psychiatrist) and on medication which does help but unfortunately doesn't solve all my problems.

But then, so many of us have 'issues', whether depression, anxiety, being on the autistic spectrum, etc, and each of us has to manage them as best we can while being a good and caring person to those around us. ADHD might explain some of your DH's behaviours (e.g. Unfortunately lower impulse control when it comes to drugs and other addictions), but it doesn't excuse them. I hate the weaknesses that come with my particular brain issues but would like to think I do my best to work around them.

I really feel for you!

mrholmes · 05/06/2017 14:18

If my partner was unwilling to get help / take meds.I would be planning to create a life without them sooner or later and I would be issuing an ultimatum if things didn't change.

I'm not one for putting up with shit really and I only have one life to live.

IfNot · 05/06/2017 14:33

Please don't confuse adhd with abusive addict behaviour! It's quite possible to be add and a kind and caring person. It's not a get out clause for being a selfish twat.
I'm struggling to understand why you would have even one child with this knob end, but you are under no obigation to continue to support him.

LadyLapsang · 05/06/2017 21:43

OP, wishing you all the best. I least you know about the drug use now.

NC4now · 05/06/2017 22:00

Good luck OP. Apparently it's quite common for people with untreated ADHD to self medicate. I hope your OH can get his meds and treatment sorted.

Original poster
exhaustedmumof4 · 09/06/2017 11:04

I need someone to give me some sanity please. I've told my husband that he needs to move out and can't come home until he's clean and sober. I just don't think he will do it unless he gets a massive reality check about what he is doing to himself and to all of us. Also it's not safe having a drug addict with ADHD around the kids. I've found drugs lying around the house. I also told some of his friends and I know he'll be furious with me but as long as it stays secret nothing will change. My heart is broken and I can't think straight, I need someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing as I know the reality of this is yet to hit me.

OP posts:
whitehandledkitchenknife · 09/06/2017 11:25

Exhausted - short and sweet - yes, you are very much doing the right thing.
Do not feel guilty for telling some of his friends. Flowers

emesis · 09/06/2017 13:17

You're doing the right thing. It may be the 'rock bottom' that he needs to change too.

Take each day one step at a time and don't forget your own needs. Flowers

Ju1066 · 07/03/2020 07:35

My husband has this week been diagnosed with ADHD. After 3 unhappy years of struggling to live with him, he finally agreed to be screened! Life has been unbearable with constant forgetfulness, distraction, zoning out and total lack of empathy! He appears very selfish with his time preferring to play golf, pool etc than spend any time with me. In the beginning I was overwhelmed by his hyper focus on me but following marriage, this quickly dwindled leaving me very lonely, confused and stressed. We bicker constantly with no resolution to our arguments! I know it’s not his fault he presents this way but I can’t continue living life like this! He likes his own way and doesn’t see reason, only his own! I’m at my wits end, he blames everything on my hormones which only escalates things!

DivGirl · 07/03/2020 07:51

You might be better off posting a new thread, this one is 3 years old now and hopefully OP has resolved her issues by now.

Therebythedoor · 07/03/2020 07:58

@ju1066 This is an thread - if you copy and paste your post into your own post I think you'll get more immediate replies.

I know about the bickering thing. I have diagnosed ADHD so does my partner. Life is hell on earth here...

Therebythedoor · 07/03/2020 07:59

Bloody ADHD... 'this is a zombie thread' is what I meant to write!