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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm still extremely angry still.

33 replies

OnlyANameChange · 30/05/2017 21:01

I created this thead on aibu. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2942617-Aibu-to-tell-my-dc-dad-is-not-bio-dad

It was a stupid idea and I'm going to do it. I'll copy the background for here.

I'm 35 my former partner and father to my two twin boys aged three and a half is 23 Back when I was pregnant with them about 7 months I caught my then partner in bed with a man. He had been having an affair with a man for 4 months and he decided to leave me for this partner, but assured me that he would be there for his children. He saw them after they were born and has not seen them since, not for birthdays or anything not even cards.

During the relationship my partner had no job but I helped him out paid for him while what I thought was a brilliant relationship. I would pay for everything for him. He never told me that he was bisexual.

I feel angry at him and myself, I am angry at him for not being their for his children and how it may impact them. I'm angry for him cheating on my while 7 months pregnant.
Im angry at myself for fooling for him, for not realising he was a 22 year old who liked partying, for me being used as a free ride.

I find myself looking through social media of him through a fake account. I hate how he lives a lifestyle of partying and how he has taken no responsibility. How he said to me that he wanted dc with me.

OP posts:

Itscurtainsforyou · 30/05/2017 21:03

Is he paying you child maintenance? Does he have a job now?

Original poster

OnlyANameChange · 30/05/2017 21:05

No he hasn't paid a penny. I'm not sure he was ever looking for a job, someone must be paying for his holidays and lifestyle. But I don't know.

OP posts:

Original poster

OnlyANameChange · 30/05/2017 21:07

During the relationship I paid for everything 100%.

OP posts:

noova61 · 30/05/2017 21:10

Im sorry, but I genuinely dont think hes going to be in your childrens lives at all. Hes all for partying and holidays etc...
Give your children all your love, they are the innocent ones and move on, stop looking for him on social media, it will only eat away at you.

Itscurtainsforyou · 30/05/2017 21:12

Well there's not much you can do about the past (no matter how irritating), but I would apply for maintenance. Even if you only get a pittance it means he's being held accountable...

Original poster

OnlyANameChange · 30/05/2017 21:14

I just don't understand why, he can still have the partying and things but still send cards or come and visit.

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 30/05/2017 21:14

Is he 22 or 23? How long were you in a relationship with the 18 year old before you got pregnant by him? If he left you at 7 months pregnant it can't have been a long relationship or he couldn't have been an adult when you met him?

Or have I completely got the wrong end of the stick with the ages? 3.5 yr old twins. 8 month pregnancy. Relationship. 22 year old expartner??

Original poster

OnlyANameChange · 30/05/2017 21:15

Well there's not much you can do about the past (no matter how irritating), but I would apply for maintenance. Even if you only get a pittance it means he's being held accountable...*

I'm definitely going to do this.

OP posts:

Original poster

OnlyANameChange · 30/05/2017 21:17

the relationship with about a year and half he was twenty two when I had dc, he was j21 when I met him. So i assume he is 24/25 now.

OP posts:

NotHotDogMum · 30/05/2017 21:18

Because he can't face responsibility, he is selfish and weak, by staying in their lives he would have to face what a failure of a human he is.

The image we all portray on FB is not real life, it's a place where lives appear perfect. The reality of his life is not what you see on FB.

You are doing an excellent job and your DC are better off without him. Delete your fake FB account, block him and stop looking back, concentrate on your future, it will be so much better without him in it.

Original poster

OnlyANameChange · 30/05/2017 21:18

Or have I completely got the wrong end of the stick with the ages? 3.5 yr old twins. 8 month pregnancy. Relationship. 22 year old expartner

Yes that's it

OP posts:

Original poster

OnlyANameChange · 30/05/2017 21:20

I'm going to block him.

OP posts:

Original poster

OnlyANameChange · 30/05/2017 21:26

I'm having second thoughts on maintaince as taking his money would imply he had a role in their upbringing when he didn't.

OP posts:

mydietstartsmonday · 30/05/2017 21:33

He was 21, was it a joint decision to have a child? He was very young and probably shit scared of the responsibility and has bailed.
Sad for your children. I know it takes two to tango but you need to ensure the father of your children is someone you can rely on.
Looks like you have found a good man, build your relationship with him and introduce him slowly to them.
Good luck.

Original poster

OnlyANameChange · 30/05/2017 21:37

No I feel pregant and I asked if he wanted a baby he said yes.

OP posts:

Original poster

OnlyANameChange · 30/05/2017 21:40

Also don't you think I get that's why I am angry with myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

OnlyANameChange · 30/05/2017 22:03

Bump

OP posts:

inlectorecumbit · 30/05/2017 22:22

i don't think he wants to have any part in the DC;s lives but that is no reason for him not to be held accountable for some maintenance even if it is a pittance.
Get onto CMS £10 is better than nothing

MoggieMaeEverso · 30/05/2017 22:23

Accepting maintenance on behalf of your children doesn't imply he had a hand in their upbringing! It simply ensures that your children are provided for by both of their biological parents.

Can you get some counselling to help you work through these feelings? Or attend a meditation course? It sounds like you are really hurting and the feelings are not just going to go away on their own.

Funnyfarmer · 30/05/2017 22:30

Does your new partner know you stalk your ex on social media?

bloodymaria · 30/05/2017 22:39

taking his money would imply he had a role in their upbringing when he didn't

I disagree. It's the very least of his responsibility to provide financially for his children. As it seems likely that they'll grow up without knowing him, I doubt they'll hold him in high regard even if he pays maintenance.

EezerGoode · 30/05/2017 22:43

Don't be angry with yourself..you have 2 amazing children...if you hadn't had your ex for a dad,then you wouldn't have those exact children x

EezerGoode · 30/05/2017 22:47

No good will come from this negativity..isn't there a saying that goes like this...god grant me the serenity to change the things I can-change.accept the things I can't and have the wisdom to know the difference...I think you can't change your ex....but you can make him pay financially x

fannyanddick · 30/05/2017 23:38

If you would like him to have some part in your children's life, have you said to him what you said here. I.e. 'I get that you don't want a full on father role, but would you be interested in a smaller role-gifts on birthdays,popping in for coffee and a play once a month.'

noova61 · 30/05/2017 23:51

Only you can decide if you want him in your childrens lives...hes not much more than a kid himself, he doesnt want to be tied down with the responsibility of providing for children(thats how Im reading it).Him paying maintainence does not automatically give him parntal rights....he will have to see a solicitor and do it legally I would assume.

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