I'm still extremely angry still.

[OnlyANameChange]

I created this thead on aibu. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2942617-Aibu-to-tell-my-dc-dad-is-not-bio-dad

It was a stupid idea and I'm going to do it. I'll copy the background for here.

I'm 35 my former partner and father to my two twin boys aged three and a half is 23 Back when I was pregnant with them about 7 months I caught my then partner in bed with a man. He had been having an affair with a man for 4 months and he decided to leave me for this partner, but assured me that he would be there for his children. He saw them after they were born and has not seen them since, not for birthdays or anything not even cards.

During the relationship my partner had no job but I helped him out paid for him while what I thought was a brilliant relationship. I would pay for everything for him. He never told me that he was bisexual.

I feel angry at him and myself, I am angry at him for not being their for his children and how it may impact them. I'm angry for him cheating on my while 7 months pregnant.
Im angry at myself for fooling for him, for not realising he was a 22 year old who liked partying, for me being used as a free ride.

I find myself looking through social media of him through a fake account. I hate how he lives a lifestyle of partying and how he has taken no responsibility. How he said to me that he wanted dc with me.

Is your ex still having gay relationships? Maybe he thought he was straight and wanted children? He is still very young.

If you were a man posters would be looking at your age difference and wondering why you were not more responsible.

It sounds as though you are staying that you feel it unfair that he has a fun and free lifestyle? Did you have that in your early 20's?

You can't force him to see his boys but he should be paying maintenance. It's good you made the decision not to lie about someone else being their real dad because if they have any health issues in future knowing the truth about their biological background could be imperative.

i came on here wanting to do my own post about being so angry at my own situation and your title caught me.

OP you have to do what others have said look at the positive in all this- hard i know and i need to take my own advice - you have two amazing children ( i also have twins) that you wouldn't have had you not met this guy.

But I get your anger - its bloody hard when you are having to lead a life that you did not chose because somebody else cant live up to their own responsibilities. The anger is there for a reason - it drives us forward as long as we use it positively.

Tell your kids the truth about their "father" but not out of anger against him but out of love for your kids - the earlier you do this the easier it will be - they will always know - there will be no "secrets" that could be let out the bag years down the line.

I say this from a similar place - my kids are IVF - they have always known their story - thank God "we" told them the truth - their DF had an affair and left - i have just gone through 2.5 years of hell in an extremely acrimonious divorce - the fallout of this is still having repercussions on me and the kids - if i also had to tell them now about their birth it would destroy them - and i would find it extremely hard for this not to come out in anger - my anger is relative to the shit way i have been treated and the "sacrifices" i made for the "family" - I have been shafted.

Go for the maintenance as others have said- even if it is minimal - its not the amount its the principal - and at some point when he grows up - if he does - he may have an income you can claim on.

He needs to take responsibility for his actions - emotionally & financially - neither of which he seems capable of at the moment. But things may change - at some point he may decide he wants to "reunite" with his kids - this is why your kids need to know the truth from this point onwards. Hard as it may be now to tell them it will be best for them in the long run. My view is they "sense" these things anyway.

As others have said to parent on your own is not easy - even more so when you did not sign up for this -but you are doing it - be proud of this and the very fact that you question what to do shows you have your kids best interests at heart.

Get off FB - it will feed on your own "insecurities" - his past will catch up with him - maybe it already is - the only way he can live with himself is by "partying" - what a huge "sentence" to have hanging over you at such a young age!

you have two beautiful kids - would you turn the clock back? no me neither despite all the shit ...

OP- you will find the right way x

Thank you for all the posts .

He is no longer in the gay relationship he left me for. I think it's a new man. He told me he was bisexual when I caught him cheating.

I do need to think about the blessing that the twins have been more and at least I have them.

I didn't have a carefree early 20s I always put career above fun. This is so I could give my future family a nice life.

I will look into maintaince. I have text him when it was their 1st birthday no reply. I text him in the months after the birth to visit no reply.

Your choice was to put your career before having a fun time so you could provide for your family.

I did too.

His choice is to have fun at all costs. He has a different belief system to you. Sadly it doesn't appear he is interested in his twins. Do you have the correct contact number?

I would discuss things with a solicitor.

And see what you can do to make yourself feel better about missing out on fun in your youth.

No I have the right phone number. I am going to talk to my solicitor.

He is a looser - literally he will lose out on your wonderful children

You have every right to be angry - don't deny yourself that. It's natural and it needs to be felt. Write him an angry letter (don't send it) throw darts at a photo of him, go running or to a boxing class. Release that anger and when it's gone live your life knowing you will always be happier without him than you would have been with him

And take the fucker for maintenance- he wanted these kids, so he pays for them.

*He is a looser - literally he will lose out on your wonderful children

You have every right to be angry - don't deny yourself that. It's natural and it needs to be felt. Write him an angry letter (don't send it) throw darts at a photo of him, go running or to a boxing class. Release that anger and when it's gone live your life knowing you will always be happier without him than you would have been with him

And take the fucker for maintenance- he wanted these kids, so he pays for them.*

Thank you, I'm definitely trying to release my anger talking about it on here let's me release it a bit.