Feel pretty silly for asking but stumped...

[MollyWantsACracker]

Right then. Next weekend I'm going to (smallish) music festival with my reasonably new partner.

He gave me the heads up that there's a good chance we will run into the wife of a mate of his who is a notorious busybody/nosey-parker who is also blessed with a solid brass neck.
She has form for quizzing people up and down it seems. "where did you meet?" and "how old are you anyway?" are typical questions I might expect from this person.
As it happens, we met on-line, and I'm a good bit older than him.

He's a little worried that I would be offended by this person, and he's not totally wrong.

Can anyone help me (us!!) with some good one-liners to have at the ready to deal with the likes of this person. I don't really want to say we met online, as she'll want to know where etc. I don't want to resort to Mind your Own Business either as it sounds rude.
I'm pretty confident generally, but struggle a bit with people her, being a reasonably polite person myself.

(Bf is dreading the thoughts of her as well)

I can't believe I'm giving this headspace but I am!

I have found that most people drop it after rephrasing the question three times, so if you can prepare three vague answers for topics you can anticipate, you can thwart the inquisition somewhat...

Eg what do you do? I work in an office. I meant where do you work? Oh, in X town. But what's your job? Oh admin/IT/reports/whatever mostly

Do that thing where you take their question and answer your very own question.

Where are you from?
Where am I from? Well I can tell you that I am not from Spain, however much I nagged my mother to move as a child.

What do you do?
What don't I do? Well I would never get a dog as I don't want to pick up shit.

Those questions sound completely normal to me, I would happily ask and answer them as chit chat. Jesus the world's a minefield.

I usually say "I forget."

"I used to visit him in jail"

"I was his babysitter"

"At the clap clinic"

• all other good suggestions as to where you met depending on how outrageous you're feeling!

I was going to say that :
"Oh I used to teach him at primary school"

That way you will shut her up whilst acknowledging the age difference

Or answer a question with a question:

how did you meet? How do you think we met? what did you hear? or No NO much more interesting how you met etc......

These are great answers. I find nosy parkers just ask questions because all they can talk is gossip. They don't really give a shiny shite unless it is repeatable, so I try to give faintly ridiculous answers so that if they repeat them they look silly.

Pigeon I know! I thought asking people where they met was completely normal! Now I'm concerned I may be a massive nosy Parker

I thought that asking someone's age is a no, but where/how you met fairly standard?

some Truly Golden suggestions here...

I will be writing some down and practicing saying them out loud

Loving "I was his teacher in Primary School"

Personally, (and this is just me) I wouldn't ask somebody new where they'd met their partner, and definitely not the first time I'd met them.

But as I said, this woman has form, and has been quizzing people up and down for years. She's notorious for it apparently.

"I could tell you - but then I'd have to kill you." To everything she asks.

I'm with you pigeon.

I wouldn't ask someone their age, but how exactly are people supposed to have a conversation and get to know each other if they can't ask questions like 'where did you meet' ? What's so bad about that question?

I just feel it's an intrusive question, (but can see why others might not think so).

That said, I don't want to tell her. I don't want to be put in that position. Particularly when I am aware that she's just being nosey rather than making conversation, iykwim.

Its against my religion to answer direct questions, What religion is that you ask? I can only re refer you to my first statement..

Too obscure?

I think I will run with Primary School teacher, followed by Swingers Club.

If pushed I will say we're cousins, followed by the actual bar we met.

Thank you, clever, lovely people x

Where did you meet? In town
Whereabouts? Up the town
But where in town? Round the town

How old are you? Legal.
What age? Old enough to drink.
But how old? And have sex. I love sex. Do you like sex? What's your favourite position...

Just say you met through friends

Right so talking about yourself is rude. And now asking questions about the other person is rude.

I give up. Luckily the people I meet love a chinwag, a gossip and a laugh. I met one guy once who gave twirly flute answers to everything and I assumed he was a wanker.

We met through friends...

Ahhh I lady never tells her age....

Oooo don't you ask a lot of personal questions...(head tilt, tinkly laugh)

Change the subject or ask her all the same questions.

I met my now husband online at uni. We have been together 21 years and married for 2! It can work!

I always thought asking a mate/couple how they met is ok?? I used to ask this so to try to get some inspiration on how to meet people. I had no idea it was rude

Of course it's ok. This thread is full of weirdos.

Honestly if someone ever said "a lady never tells" re their age I'd be completely fucking baffled and I'd tell them so. The age of that being de rigeur was actually Not Much Fun for women.

What a fuss to make about nothing. People make small talk to be polite, and friendly - and asking how you met is just an opener. She may also try to chat about the bands, or the festival itself, poor woman.

I met my partner through an interesting medium - but we always just say we met through 'a friend of a friend'. No one will really care - you are not that important to anyone but yourself.

Tbh, you sound as though you are both scheming to bully this poor woman.

Maybe the woman will be nice, you may get on! Dont worry bout it til it happens