On a scale of 1 to 10 how much of a bad idea is this? (online dating)

[willieverever]

Following some emailing in which we established common interests, I spoke to this guy on the phone. From my point of view, the conversation went well, we got on and he was everything I was looking for -age wise, education, interests and so on. I seemed to be what he was looking for (at least from what he said).

To put this in context, it is very unusual for me to find someone that fits this. To avoid a drip feed, this was not via a main stream dating site; it is a niche interest site for people who have same niche interest. So this was a rare event for him and for me too. We talked about how difficult it was to find someone during the conversation.

I never heard from him again and it was really bothering me. I sent him a message saying basically I was interested/know you aren't/fine/would be interested in some feedback about why. I really was interested because I had no idea. He was single and seemed keen. I was pretty sure that it was something in the conversation that was a turn off for him.

He has replied with a lovely kind response saying he has got things to say but wants to speak. I said don''t want to take up your time email is fine. He replied saying email too time consuming and he would rather explain kindly on the phone.

Having braved the whole asking thing and thinking I really wanted to know, I am now having second thoughts. I thought it would be a few lines in an email.

I am now shit scared of getting upset on the phone and speaking to him and him hurting me badly rather than something constructive. There's nothing in that email that would suggest it but I suddenly feel horribly vulnerable.

Should I speak to him or not? Is this a really bad idea or should I leave it?

So.. you haven't met this man in person? You don't know what he looks like. You've seen photos presumably but they could be of anyone.

And yet you're now angsting about why someone you've never met doesn't want to have a relationship with you? Jesus, woman, there are billions of people out there.

Forget this condescending dick and work on your self esteem

How long was the effing email that he'd rather have a difficult conversation? Who picks THAT option? Is he 5 and shit at typing? Send him a link to a touch typing course and then block him. I bloody hate "feedback" in my job it's just a socially acceptable way to say you are getting a bollocking. I think he was faking it all along.

Good luck finding someone who is compatible.

I think you way over-invested in a conversation. There's really no way to know about this amazing compatibility based on what people say via email and profiles and a couple of chats etc. You only get to figure that out as you get to know someone.

He clearly isn't compatible anyway given all the stuff that happened after with the not being in touch and weirdness re email etc.

So mostly this is you projecting 'perfection' on some random guy who you basically have zero real clue about.

He's a red herring. Ignore him, nothing is going to come of anything with him, and he wasn't 'perfect.' Your ideas on dating and projecting your stuff all over other people is what you should be focusing on.

Besides what sort of feedback would help you? You were yourself right? You were open right? So how on earth is his feedback going to help you with some other person in the future?

Oh let him tell u n then let us know what hes got to say so we can take the piss outve him

I don't know what you could do with the information. One persons lively is another persons annoying, one persons sweet is another persons dull. Your not his type find someone who likes you for you don't try and change.
I also think he sounds odd and possibly controlling. You might have dodged a massive bullet there.

I don't have a niche interest but have done lots of OLD

I have believed that I have really connected with somebody after one meeting, only to never hear from them again (or not in any real sense) and I think the reason is that they weren't looking for something real and weren't looking for somebody who understood them. They were actually looking for something they could keep at a distance.

He also made a joke that he could write a dating manual for women about how to get what they want.

He sounds like an arrogant knob, why on earth do you care about someone's opinion of you - you both sound like teenagers swooning over their first boy/girl friend and analysing every detail.

I honestly can't believe adults behave like this. Move on, enjoy your hobby on your own - don't give him the satisfaction of thinking you even acknowledge his existence.

Although, as you hadn't met him, he was only ''perfect on paper''.

He could have been a decade older than he said he was, who knows.

An x could have reappeared. He could have got chatting to somebody who had even more promise of ''two way compatibility'' - although I'd never say I had compatibility with somebody I hadn't met.

Once I had an amazing date with a man I'd been in two minds about meeting. He wasn't particularly handsome and he was short but there was chemistry and we got on so well, really laughing, conversation so effortless. I got a text a few days later to say he wouldn't be pursuing it as he'd ''met somebody''. I wasn't devastated cos I'd met him once but I thought wow, either he had somebody in the background or he was unavailable in some other way or he thought he could do better or he had been out dating every night since we'd met. It made him seem less attractive thankfully.

Oh goodness don't take the call. You're not being interviewed and need feedback.

Op - do take the call and come back and tell us.

We may be spot on or wildly off track.

But protect yourself before you speak and whatever he has to say - its only his opinion.

I think Ragwort amongst others has possibly forgotten how nice it is to connect with somebody new, and a two hour conversation is memorable if it was fairly recent. So accusations of being ''over invested'' are a bit cynical. OP is bound to wonder what went wrong if only so she can avoid it the next time round.

On the one hand how bad can the feedback be, he hasn't met you to give you ''feedback'' so I reckon it's to tell you that he is not in a position to have a relationship right now blah blah blah

I'm with you there ellisandra

I would guess this guy told you everything you wanted to hear, that's why he seemed so perfect. Now he is going to tell you all the reasons you aren't want he wants and make you feel like shit, because that is what he really enjoys.

The comment about writing a manual to tell women how they could get what they want if they weren't so stupid smells of misogyny to me. You do not want to speak to him, he will hurt your feelings and I suspect he will love every minute of it.

to update you I replied frankly saying I'd rather do email as felt a bit vulnerable and haven't heard back - so that maybe the end of it.

This thread and your replies have been very helpful as

I realised that you are right and although I was thinking he wasn't interested because of something I said or did during the call (I wanted to know so I could correct it in future)- it could be anything including that he had a totally fake online profile. The chance of feedback being useful are not good. I don't agree that feedback would never be helpful it may very well be in somecases but think here it's not going to be and his not emailing thing is strange.

I realised that I was totally invested in this one guy because it had been such a long time that I'd met anyone who interested me at all. I have spent a long time getting over a man who very hot + cold + cruelt to me and I felt a really desperate need to meet someone else who interested me as much. This whole thread and experience has made me realise I was looking for the wrong thing for the wrong reason. I read another thread here about a woman who wanted to hang on for an exbf who didn't want a relationship and they were dating other people. Someone had posted that they were dating for different reasons - he actually wanted to meet someone but she was just time filling so she wouldn't be feeling that she was hung up on him (or something like that). I am in exactly the same position I think - feeling a desperate yearning to meet someone to get me over the nasty ex-bf - when I really need to get over the nasty ex first so I'm not filled with that compulsion to really latch onto someone who matches up with what I want on paper.

It's hard because I don't think I am really over the nasty ex-bf if I'm honest did a right number on my self-esteem. I haven't seen him for a long time - many many months - and we are no contact. Think this is part of why I reacted so strongly to this OLD guy. I think I need to work on my self esteem but have no idea how to start. How do you improve something so hardwired into you?

If I hear from him again I'll let you know - am thinking speaking to him is a bad idea.

OK. It sounds like you need a break from dating to tune your twunt radar. Just take time for yourself, and mix socially (try Meetup?) without any dating aims in mind. Try out a new activity that takes you out of your comfort zone a little.
Would you consider a decent friend with benefits?

I think you are taking the sensible path here OP. I would go one step further and not speak if he rings. The opinion of a total stranger on the internet is irrelevant and will not help your self esteem at all. Remember, you don't know who this person really is and what their agenda might be.

I think you've done the right thing OP.
I can certainly empathise with you too OP, onward and upward. Best wishes to you.

They were actually looking for something they could keep at a distance.Brogadoccio, do you have a theory on what the heck this is all about, this has happened to me twice!