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Original poster

On a scale of 1 to 10 how much of a bad idea is this? (online dating)

67 replies

willieverever · 29/05/2017 18:17

Following some emailing in which we established common interests, I spoke to this guy on the phone. From my point of view, the conversation went well, we got on and he was everything I was looking for -age wise, education, interests and so on. I seemed to be what he was looking for (at least from what he said).

To put this in context, it is very unusual for me to find someone that fits this. To avoid a drip feed, this was not via a main stream dating site; it is a niche interest site for people who have same niche interest. So this was a rare event for him and for me too. We talked about how difficult it was to find someone during the conversation.

I never heard from him again and it was really bothering me. I sent him a message saying basically I was interested/know you aren't/fine/would be interested in some feedback about why. I really was interested because I had no idea. He was single and seemed keen. I was pretty sure that it was something in the conversation that was a turn off for him.

He has replied with a lovely kind response saying he has got things to say but wants to speak. I said don''t want to take up your time email is fine. He replied saying email too time consuming and he would rather explain kindly on the phone.

Having braved the whole asking thing and thinking I really wanted to know, I am now having second thoughts. I thought it would be a few lines in an email.

I am now shit scared of getting upset on the phone and speaking to him and him hurting me badly rather than something constructive. There's nothing in that email that would suggest it but I suddenly feel horribly vulnerable.

Should I speak to him or not? Is this a really bad idea or should I leave it?

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 29/05/2017 19:25

After your update, just leave it. It wasnt meant to be

SparklyMagpie · 29/05/2017 19:25

SleightOfHand completely agree,it means fuck all

tccat · 29/05/2017 19:27

I'm guessing Fetlife? don't do it, online dating is weird enough generally but there is a special class of headfuckery on there (bitter experience)

Sn0tnose · 29/05/2017 19:28

There was a lot he "had to tell me kindly" and it was too much to write out. Jesus Christ Willi, fuck him right off! "Tell you kindly"?? Who the fuck does he think he is? You're a person, not a restaurant, and he's not a fucking food critic writing a review. If you wanted a full breakdown about how much fun he had talking to you, then you could post yourself up on Trip Advisor!

You've just encountered a massive arsehole. Delete and block. Also, some people are incredibly good at telling people what they want to hear. I think that if you got to know him, you wouldn't have half as many connections as he's made you think you have.

Bigfurcat · 29/05/2017 19:35

Again could be WAY off the mark ( and the mutual interest is baking or fishing or something) but was it bdsm, him identifying as dominant and you submissive?

I used to chat with a friend (no REALLY it was a friendGrinBear) who was submissive and into bdsm and online dated

so there was a lot of talking about the parameters of the relationship before it even began.

I think the issues she had were pretty much the same as she would have had on a mainstream site though.

She was attractive but an older, larger woman , and however much the "kink" matched and she got her hopes up because of that, a lot of the guys she wanted (in their 30's and 40's) seemed to want someone younger and thinner.

so it didn't matter how much she thought they'd have the ideal relationship or were compatible because she liked doing X and they wanted a submissive to do X to, the kind of submissive they wanted wasn't her

Plus the market is oversupplied with women and men who want to be submissive - so naturally dominant types have the pick of the lot.

rumred · 29/05/2017 19:50

Give him a quick call and debrief here.
Sounds like an arse to me however. If he was really being kind he'd send an email as requested

FatOldBag · 29/05/2017 20:16

He also said the fact I wanted it in writing suggests to him I am not serious about wanting feedback

Hm, sounds manipulative. On second thought, steer well clear, I think he will abuse this situation and any "feedback" will not be genuine or useful.

FathomsDeepAndFallingFurther · 29/05/2017 20:28

He also said the fact I wanted it in writing suggests to him I am not serious about wanting feedback.

FFS. Who does he think he is? I'm guessing a dom who gets off on making women jump through hoops. Don't give him the satisfaction.

Ellisandra · 29/05/2017 21:17

I am cringing for you that you even asked him! Shock

No good will come of this.
What if he says "you're interesting and funny, but to be honest the way you pronounce the word was nails on a blackboard". Or "you just seemed too interested so came across as needy"... that sort of shit could really play on your mind.

But add in the shit about him refusing to email? He's WEIRD and potentially nasty.

Why did you do this to yourself?
The OLD world is full of people who had a different view after a first date let alone phone call. You can be fabulous, but just not give a spark for the other person. Such is life.

Ellisandra · 29/05/2017 21:20

You know, what you said about finding this near perfect combo of things? And how unusual that is?
Bingo - it's unusual.
That makes me think it's not true - that he was actually mirroring and playing a part. It may be his thing, to get women to fall for him... it would certainly fit with his irritating claim that he could right a manual for us women. Um - fuck off you full of it shit!

PoorYorick · 29/05/2017 21:23

A man who wants you will pursue you, and a man who has stuff he needs to tell you kindly before you've even met is trouble. I'd probably hear him out out of sheer curiosity (though I shouldn't) and then cut and run. Of course, you should cut and run now.

If he has a past trauma but is healthy enough to date, he can tell you about it if your relationship progresses to that level. Truth bombing when you haven't met is just a disaster.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 29/05/2017 21:34

I would have to talk to him. I would want to find out.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 29/05/2017 21:35

But I would be very nervous of the conversation and my reaction to it!

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 29/05/2017 21:50

No no no, he's fucking with your head and you've not even dated!

SleightOfHand · 30/05/2017 10:04

Did you decide what to do in the end OP?

isitjustme2017 · 30/05/2017 10:13

Weirdo alert. I would email him back and say "actually I'm not that bothered about feedback and my feedback to you is that you are weird".

NImbleJumper · 30/05/2017 11:49

There was a lot he "had to tell me kindly"

He sounds like an arrogant arse.

lookatmenow · 30/05/2017 12:36

Just make sure you prepare yourself to hear something you wont like, keep telling yourself that he doesn't know you (how can he in ashort space of time) and have a quip remark ready for him about his attitued and game play.

Don't jsut take anything he says, make sure you have something to give back about how his personality is a little damaged if he thinks telling a near stranger "kindly truths"!!!!

take it with a pinch of salt

Hissy · 30/05/2017 13:04

a high level of two way compatibility across everything

... assuming he isn't lying his arse off???

Stuff to 'tell you kindly'... doesn't bode at all well. He showed you clearly and unequivocally what you meant to him when he just didn't contact you again. It sounds like a bad job interview and he needs to break it to you that you weren't successful in your application.

Yet you went back for more humiliation...

This guy is either married or damaged - or both.

He is not interested in a relationship with you, please stop chasing for one with him.

Be a little elusive.

I agree with the 'Niche' dating stuff, the ordinary OND is enough of a pot of loons without chucking kink in the middle...

To revisit the job analogy, you are interviewing for the best role there is; to be your significant other, the one you love and trust for as long as possible/life.

This bloke has clearly removed himself from the process.

The only response to him is "OK, your loss. wish you all the best for the future'

NEXT!

PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 30/05/2017 13:10

He could write a dating manual for women??

Wow.

squishee · 30/05/2017 13:22

It's not an audition or a job interview. Who needs feedback? If it's a no from him it's a no from him.
Why have you got him on a pedestal? Even more than he has (love that women's dating manual comment).

SweetLuck · 30/05/2017 13:24

On the phone call did you make it clear just how compatible yu felt you were, or how please you were to have found someone who so closely matched what you were looking for?

Because if you did I'm thinking that might have made you come across as a bit too keen, which is not a good look so early on.

SweetLuck · 30/05/2017 13:25

And to be honest asking for feedback kind of adds to the low status thing.

HmmOkay · 30/05/2017 13:33

Feedback? Jesus. So that you can become a different person for the next scumbag?

Let me guess how this will go. He will tell you that you need to be more open about sex, less needy and that you should talk less and let men lead. Oh and that you should be more ready to shag men that you don't know. He will take great pleasure in letting you know all this. That's why he doesn't want to email it - he wants to hear how hurt you are.

By asking him for feedback, you are inadvertently demonstrating where you think all the power in a relationship resides. And until you address that then you will encounter scumbag after scumbag.

Adora10 · 30/05/2017 13:42

So you've never met and he's now doing a character assassination of you at your request; when a guy does not make contact it means one thing, he's not interested; why you want a low down on why and whatever is beyond me; he's a complete stranger, just move on and forget him.

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