Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why won't he tell me how he feels?

27 replies

Daisy0 · 29/05/2017 06:27

I've been with my partner for 3 months. He has a big problem with commitment. We have been on holiday, I've met his friends and family, he has me staying at his place more often than not. I do a lot of things for him and try my hardest to please although he has never told me that he loves me. This wouldn't normally bother me, but I recently came across some old texts to his ex from about 2 years ago when they had only been together for a few weeks where he was telling her that he loved her and that he felt empty and lonely without her. For some reason it has upset me and made me feel quite unloved as he can be quite cold and critical towards me. When he has seen that he has upset me, he has been a bit better but it soon lapses. I love him to bits but would never say the L word first. Last night I asked if he wanted me to leave and he said nothing. So I went downstairs for a while to gather my thoughts. When I came back up he asked what I was doing, I said that I thought he wanted me to go and he said "don't be so silly and get into bed" and he put his arm around me. I'm so confused. He breaks my heart.

OP posts:
Squishedstrawberry4 · 29/05/2017 06:32

What do you mean by critical?

Shayelle · 29/05/2017 06:32

Stop trying to please. Stop trying your hardest. You are wasaay over invested.....

Rubyslippers7780 · 29/05/2017 06:34

At 3 months into a relationship it should be fun. You sound stressed.
If it is not working for you it is time to move on.
Why are you looking at his old texts anyway?

Nellyphants · 29/05/2017 06:36

At 12 weeks in it should all fun. Stop trying so hard. Is he the only man in the world? Maybe it'll work, maybe it wont. 84 days into a relationship is way too soon to be so invested

Ktown · 29/05/2017 06:40

He sounds like hard work and a bore.
If it isn't fun now it will only get worse.

PhoenixJasmine · 29/05/2017 06:42

It's been 3 months. 3 months!!! That's no time at all, you're still only just getting to know each other. Real love takes time. People might feel lust, limerance, obsession etc sooner but that's not love. To be honest it's odd to me that you would refer to him as a partner. At 3 months I'd still be saying boyfriend or perhaps not even that, someone I was seeing/dating. Spend a lot more time getting to know him before you emotionally invest so heavily in him.

Why on earth are you reading his private messages from 2 years ago? That is really really weird. Absolutely none of your business.

JustMumNowNotMe · 29/05/2017 06:42

Blimey OP, you sound incredibly intense!
Its very early days, it should still be all about fun and getting to know each other not declarations of love! Calm down!

JustMumNowNotMe · 29/05/2017 06:43

And stay off his phone! Thats a disgraceful breach of his privacy!

Loraline · 29/05/2017 06:55

You think he's a problem with commitment after only 3 months in which you've holidayed together and he's introduced you to his friends and family?

3 months is no time at all. Only barely enough time for declarations of love. Give him a chance! Or don't if it's all too hard work.

And seriously stop trying so hard to please him. Be who you are. He'll either like you or he won't.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 29/05/2017 06:57

Three months is still early days. Dating and having fun stage. You shouldn't be looking at his phone though.

What do you mean by critical? And cold?

I'm wondering if you're quite intense and needy? If not and he's just quiet generally, there's quite a lot of reading you can do about how to develop a relationship.

Original poster
Daisy0 · 29/05/2017 07:06

I call him my partner because I'm 49 and he's 65 and it feels a bit odd saying "boyfriend" at my age! Is it? Or is it just me.

He's quite one about his phone and iPad and often asks me to email, text, message someone for him, either to do with business or social, the texts came up when I typed in the first three letters of the person's name that he asked me to reply to, which happen to be the same as hers.

Like I said, it wouldn't normally bother me at this stage of the relationship, but he seemed very full on and in love with her right from the beginning and in the many photos that he has around of them, they both look very happy together and I'm struggling with that. I asked why he keeps them, they have been finished for 6 months, and he said he just hasn't got round to taking them down but that she means nothing to him. I do know that she didn't want the relationship to end and he stopped responding to her.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 29/05/2017 08:31

Seriously, how can you really know how you feel about a brand new girlfriend, after only 3 months???

You are way over thinking this

Zaphodsotherhead · 29/05/2017 08:33

He shouldn't be 'cold and critical' 3 months in. Are you sure he's looking for a girlfriend and not a 'companion' - you've got quite an age gap.

category12 · 29/05/2017 09:42

So he's been split up from her for 6 months and with you for three. Makes you Ms Rebound.

And he's cold and critical and you feel insecure and are behaving in quite an obsessive way.

You're on a loser here, just walk away.

This should be fun. Stop.

Ellisandra · 29/05/2017 09:58

You love him to bits... after 3 months in which he has been cold, critical, uncommitted, left pictures of his last girlfriend up around you...

You don't need a boyfriend, you need a therapist!

I don't think he is necessarily uncommitted - tbh, 3 months in he's allowed to be uncommitted though!
The pictures around his house of his ex make me Hmm but tbh you do sound very needy so I'm wondering if that's actually just one group photo...!

Stop trying so hard, stop snooping on his phone, stop expecting someone to say they love you after 13 weeks. And stop putting up with someone who is critical of you.

PhoenixJasmine · 29/05/2017 10:10

Partner implies a mutual commitment, future plans for a life together etc (to me at least) which it doesn't sound like you have yet. And you shouldn't bloody have after only 3 months! So that's ok Smile.

You are coming across as really quite intense and needy and massively over-invested. What's your relationship history, how have you got here? How can someone you barely know be breaking your heart?

Hermonie2016 · 29/05/2017 10:32

What jumps our for me is you "do lots of things for him and try my hardest to please him".

Absolutely not right..you are trying to make him love you but it won't work.Just be yourself..if it's not right then find someone else who you are better suited to.
I had assumed you were very young and this was your first serious relationship.

Your self belief and boundaries need to be reinforced.He was making you feel uncomfortable, you asked him and his non reply confirmed your thoughts.You rightly thought you should go and then he said not.You are a grown woman and deserve to be treated with care and respect.
Don't waste your time on someone who disrespects you.Take yourself out of those situations.

At 3 months is should be fun and does suggest rebound as you are stepping into a mature relationship without the "get to know you phase"

SparklyMagpie · 29/05/2017 10:39

"he breaks my heart" jesus christ!! I thought you was about 15, not 45

Get a life, it's been 3 months

SparklyMagpie · 29/05/2017 10:40

Sorry you're 49

Ellisandra · 29/05/2017 10:43

I also find it odd that in 3 months you have already so often been replying for him on emails and texts Confused
Does he want a girlfriend or a PA?!

I just re-read and my apologies for previous suspicion you were over reacting over a single photo - you say there are many. I'm all for people having a past, my home has plenty of photos of my fiancé's late wife, for example. But ya disrespectful to keep up multiple photos of a short term ex girlfriend. He doesn't care about your feelings.

You really do need to think long and hard about how you can put in the very same post that you love him, and that he breaks your heart! It's 3 months in. You barely know him. If he's breaking you mr heart now, get out. As for asking him if you should go? Stop giving that power to a man who makes you feel crap. Make the decision to go, yourself!

ImperialBlether · 29/05/2017 10:51

Another one here who thinks you should dump and run.

What first attracted you to this much older man who hasn't got over his last girlfriend? Was it his cold and critical attitude?

What on earth makes you think you love him? Have you ever been in love with someone? Did it feel like this?

Ellisandra · 29/05/2017 10:53

And what makes you say he has a big problem with commitment? Nothing you say, suggests that.

Anothernewnn · 29/05/2017 12:50

3 months is waaaay too soon to be going through this angst. Sorry to be blunt but you're not creating the right environment for him to feel emotionally attracted to you.

JK1773 · 29/05/2017 12:58

3 months! And you've read his texts. He has photos around of his ex! Hes only been split from her for 6 months. I think this is doomed. You can't even know him properly after a few short weeks. You should be happy at this stage of your relationship, not snooping and suspicious.

Happybunny19 · 29/05/2017 18:10

You're far too old for this type of needy behaviour OP. In the nicest possible way please go and locate your dignity now.