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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband working unpaid on day off

94 replies

Strugglingtofunction · 28/05/2017 12:36

I found out yesterday that for the last six weeks or so when my husband has been going into work on his day off he has not been getting paid. He only has one day off at the weekend and instead of spending it with his family he has chosen to go into work. This also coincides with me seriously struggling and again instead of being here to help and support he has been working unpaid. He works in retail and not in any managerial position. So he has basically been volunteering instead of being there for his family. He is refusing to understand why I might be unhappy with this set up. What do others think???

OP posts:

alltoomuchrightnow · 28/05/2017 13:20

And yes, covered by insurance, as you sign in and /or there is CCTV.

alltoomuchrightnow · 28/05/2017 13:21

If a family owned store, I'd say this is the norm.. at least in my experience, I've worked for a few.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/05/2017 13:23

Have you phoned him op?

Floralnomad · 28/05/2017 13:24

I can't see why people find this so odd , perhaps he's worried about job security and feels he needs to do the extra hours . My dh has been known to go back to work in the evening for overseas calls etc and occasionally has had to go in of a weekend and in lots of companies when you are at a certain level you don't get paid overtime it's just expected ( not that I'm saying that's right btw) . Ds is a teacher and he's going in next week ( half term) a couple of days to sort stuff out , it's really not unusual . Id suggest talking to him .

Finola1step · 28/05/2017 13:26

My uncle used to do this. Especially on Bank Holiday weekends. Because he was desperately unhappy in his marriage and it was just easier to stay out of my aunt's way. They stayed like that for many, many years. All 3 of their dc have had significant relationship issues as adults.

Original poster

Strugglingtofunction · 28/05/2017 13:28

Okay have checked and he is there. When he told me yesterday that he was going in yet again I asked if he was being paid for this time and he admitted that he wasn't. I thinks that it is suspicious that it coincides with a time that I really needed his support which I think just about sums up our marriage. He still isn't home. I don't even know how to separate- we can barely afford to run one household. Which makes it even more galling that he has been happy to do so much extra work for no money. If had been neglecting us to earn more I might have understood.

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 28/05/2017 13:29

Is he supposed to be at work now?

How did you find out he was not being paid for the work he's done?

mugginsalert · 28/05/2017 13:29

My husband spent lots of additional hours in work in the low paid catering industry, unpaid, compromising my ability to perform in my own full time job and forcing a very unequal balance of childcare etc. I spent lots of evenings and weekends feeling put upon and lonely, and it's one of the main reasons we are separating.

When you are a parent you can't just have your world revolve around work, you have to consider the impact on your family. I'm generalising but I don't know any mothers who have struggled to understand this, only fathers.

Original poster

Strugglingtofunction · 28/05/2017 13:31

I might understand if was management or had some high powered job. I can't believe he is being pressured to do this he is choosing to do it because he would prefer to be at work. Says it all really.

OP posts:

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 28/05/2017 13:32

Have you actually just asked him?

If you are having problems then maybe he's doing it for the headspace. Maybe he's trying to gain favour to get a promotion etc.

I think lots of good employees work unpaid hours, I know very few people who start and leave exactly on time and do no extra.

Original poster

Strugglingtofunction · 28/05/2017 13:34

What do I need to do about separating. I don't know how I would bear to remain in the same house but see no other choice. One of the reasons why I have done nothing before. Have never understood how people without loads of money can afford to go their separate ways.

OP posts:

notapizzaeater · 28/05/2017 13:35

Have you checked what benefits you'd be entitled to as a single person, you might be surprised

JaneEyre70 · 28/05/2017 13:36

I'd take massive offence if my DH was choosing to work unpaid over spending time with me and our kids. In fact it would be a deal breaker for me. I can't understand for the life of me how anyone would go in and not be paid for it.........!!

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 28/05/2017 13:36

You don't have to have loads of money to be single or separate

Lots of people live alone, they just match their salary to the relevant accommodation and bills.

Original poster

Strugglingtofunction · 28/05/2017 13:37

He is also doing unpaid overtime everyday approx 2 and a half hours. I have tolerated that but this is just taking things too far particularly when I have been unwell. He prefers being at work than with his family what more is their for him to say. He is not in line for promotion.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 28/05/2017 13:38

Go on to Entitled To and enter your details to find out what your financial situation would be like if you separated.

Then go on to the child maintenance calculator - this will not affect your tax credits.

Do this now so that you know what you're dealing with.

Guiltypleasures001 · 28/05/2017 13:39

Sorry op

I wonder if there is someone there he likes working with a lot

HarrietSchulenberg · 28/05/2017 13:39

My exH used to do the same. Would rather work than be at home with us. It's the main reason we split up but he's never got it and still blames me, 8 years on.
Financially, I am better off on my own. I never had a penny to my name when we were married but working tax credits mean I now have control of finances and can budget better. He gives us a small amount of child maintenance every month which helps too, although it really only partly covers the mortgage on the house which of he still owns half.
Don't feel trapped just because of money, OP.

Original poster

Strugglingtofunction · 28/05/2017 13:39

Sorry the stress is causing my grammar and spelling to go haywire.

OP posts:

Chloe84 · 28/05/2017 13:40

I think lots of good employees work unpaid hours, I know very few people who start and leave exactly on time and do no extra.

Rainbows there's a huge difference between staying behind after finishing time to get something done and going in to work on your day off for God knows how long.

He seems to have checked out of family life, OP. Maybe you'll be better off without him financially as well?

alltoomuchrightnow · 28/05/2017 13:40

as i said, the norm in retail
If it's so bad for you I'd suggest that you suggest he look for a 9-5 Monday-Friday job, retail will never not involve weekends, eves, bank holidays.
I know it's crap, I agree, I've had nearly 3 decades of it but that is by choice. I 'm not in it now but will probably return to it.
But I'd imagine he's under a lot of pressure and made to feel obliged.
Probably a lot of emotional manipulation from colleagues and managers. Sometimes it felt like bullying. ie were lazy and a jobsworth if didn't stay an extra 3 hours a night, etc. Easy to fall into it when you are younger. Now I'm older I wouldn't be quite so easy but would certainly go extra mile. Having said that, with my last job, it was charity retail and I gave them loads of unpaid days.. it was in my contract to. If it hadn't been a charity I'd not have been so happy as I had a lot of petrol to pay

alltoomuchrightnow · 28/05/2017 13:41

OP please don't think, he'd rather be there than with you. He really may have been browbeaten into it. The expected thing to do and made to feel bad if he does not. You need to really sit down and chat with him.

Chloe84 · 28/05/2017 13:42

How on earth is it the norm in retail?

I really doubt that's true for most people.

Greenkit · 28/05/2017 13:46

Do you have children together?

Do you have a mortgage or do you rent?

alltoomuchrightnow · 28/05/2017 13:46

Chloe, maybe not in all, but my experience for sure. Three decades of it, hundreds of shops, (as I covered for many too) various parts of the country but always down south and very varied types of retail. It's been that in nearly every shop I worked for. I'm struggling to think of any exceptions.

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