AIBU husband never talks

[speakyourmindkindagirl]

So, every time I seem to sit down, casually bring up a conversation about a recent topic, concern, thought on anything whether a it's something on the news, maybe my feelings, something to do with the kids, plans for the future, things to get excited about etc my husband always seems to shut me up.
He will briefly listen, but not offer a lot back, or get into a proper in depth chat with me and show enthusiasm or anything, but instead he will say something like, "let's not talk about this now", or "it's not the right time to talk about this" or "I don't really want to have a conversation about that at the moment". He will also, if I have an opinion or concern about something he will tell me I'm being silly, stop worrying, etc just never offers anything with any substance back. I feel like I'm in a box, the lid opens and I talk then he shuts the lid down again! It drives me nuts and I feel I've gone a little introvert and quieter in the house than I normally am as I just feel doesn't value or appreciate anything I have to say, so what's the point in me talking? He shows great interest in his own affairs and has enthusiasm when talking to friends about topics but when it's me it's different, like he can't be bothered. I crave for a good, adult conversation, share opinions and ideas, his thoughts on certain things, be passionate about things going on in the world, what our kids have been up to etc. If I react and tell him how he makes me feel he always turns it around and makes the issue about me reacting so to steer it away from him, so it turns into an argument as I get frustrated and then he just sits there and sulks, plays the victim and makes me out to be the perpetrator. He does this a lot! He is very driven and successful with work and it seems that's where all his energy goes. What do you think?

Could you book in time for a chat. So say he is tired after work and needs some down time would he agree to have a drink/ tea at 9.30 so could chat. My dh and l had a custom of having a cup of tea together after dinner every evening. Dcs would run off after eating and we would chat through the day. If ye go out together does he chat or does he come in full of his own news?

Maybe he just doesn't like me then lol! I am quite a passionate, strong headed person and I like a good debate and am very honest and open, I think he struggles with that. I can sometimes challenge if I disagree, and I think he is more suited to a nodding dog, a fluffy perfect wife who is just there to please and just agree for an easy life, something I'll never be. I've told him this he says don't be ridiculous.

When I say he shuts me up, he will do this by either saying I've chosen the wrong time to talk, am using the wrong tone, can we talk about this another time or don't be silly, stop worrying. So I get annoyed and then the argument becomes about the fact that I'm annoyed, it's like he spins it round and makes it about me. It's infuriating and I feel drained. We do have conversations of course but if we do it then ends to be more about his stuff, business, etc. I've been a SAHM for 4 years, returning next year and it's sometimes like he doesn't value me anymore as all I've been doing is looking after the kids for the past few years, even though we will sit there all night whilst I help him talk through some office politics or HR issues he has to deal with. When it comes to my stuff he just can't be bothered! I sometimes describe him as not being "in the zone", not tuned in to what's going on in the house and with our kids, 😬

it shouldn't be that hard! booking in a chat!?

The fact that he is happy to talk at length about stuff that concerns him means it’s not simply a case of him being quiet; lots of quiet people are good listeners. It means he thinks his concerns are more important than yours, and that they merit more airtime. And telling you that you're not allowed to talk to him, because you’ve picked the wrong tone, is insane. Why does he have to have laboratory conditions to have conversation? It really shouldn't be that difficult. I would suggest that you remind him there are two people in your marriage. He sounds totally selfish, and you sound really lonely (which is understandable, given the circumstances).

Wow op, I could have written this, as my DH and his family are exactly the same and it drives me totally crazy!

That sounds very one-sided, now I often go distant but would never shut DW down if she wanted to talk or vent over a stressful day. It seems to me common decency to listen to the others opinion, things that catch their interest etc. Unless he is going through some form of depression that could make him distant it seems to me so self centred.

Is he not interested in what you have done during the day with HIS kids? When I was sahm with young dc Dh wanted to hear everything as he felt he was missing out. So I would try to ask him about his day and he would say " really dull. Anyway back to what happened in the sandpit".

So if it's about him and his work, he can talk but if it's about you and the DC he isn't interested. So basically he doesn't care, he isn't interested in you or your opinions. And this makes him a great Dad how?

You Keep saying how wonderful he is, can you give examples of this?

I used to be married to a man just like this. Turns out he didn't like me at all, he didn't want to be married, just to have staff at home to provide all domestic services.

He didn't want to talk or interact or spend time with me because he saw me just like the office cleaner or a nanny. Fine to say "good morning " to but that's it. He had more important things to be doing with his valuable time than chat to me or listen to my problems.

Like your H he had a range of strategies to shut me up. He could go for weeks at a time before he would be willing to talk about some issue with the children. He was always too busy .

Then when He ran out of excuses, he would sit, scowling , and " listen" for , say 10mins. Then he's check his phone, say " was there anything else ? " and then go off to do something else. Sometimes he would pretend to fall asleep . Or keep checking his phone during the conversatoion until I gave up.

Once he even said " I've given up 10 mins of my time on a Sunday afternoon to listen to you when I could have been doing something useful ". It was about one of our children who has SN .

Like your H he was charming when in company, a great conversationalist and good listener. Before I married him I thought he was a lovely man . Then I spent 10 years trying to fix our marriage, I knew it must be me who was the problem because of course he was a lovely man.

I can be a bit like this. I sometimes feel so overwhelmed by my day that when my partner/ kids start firing questions at the me in the evening I feel under siege. I agree he could deal with it better though.

I was married to a man like this. Always too 'busy' or too 'tired' to talk to me, or I should 'stop worrying' about my problems or issues of the day. His stressful job tended to get the blame but really I think he didn't want to talk to me because he didn't like me very much. I used to ask his opinion about things and it was always 'I don't know' or 'whatever you want', it was so frustrating and ultimately so boring.

I left him, partly because of this and a couple of other things. I'm now married to a man who never shuts up! Loves to just shoot the breeze or chat about serious issues and genuinely finds talking to me interesting and stimulating. He's never too busy or tired to talk to me despite having a busy job and is having two very young children. It's like a breath of fresh air.

I don't know what you do about your uncommunicative husband, but I know what I did about mine and I am so much happier.

You aren't using the wrong tone, you're using the tone that suits you.

If you have an evening of him being particularly self centred and on 'send',let him get on with it and then ask him what you've talked about that day and what he's done to help the family at home. Then list the things he's talked about and you've done for him.

Tbh, if he can't see it or doesn't care then only you can change your situation.

Has he always been like this?

He doesn't listen to you, he doesn't validate your feelings, he doesn't respect you, he puts you down and makes you think there is something wrong with you when he is at fault.
Why are you with him?
Do you want your children to grow up believing that this is a normal relationship and that it's acceptable for them to be treated this way by their partner?

Thank you for all your responses. Please understand it isn't always like this, we do have great times, have a lot in common generally, and when it's good it's great, but it's this issue that continues to rear its ugly head but in my opinion doesn't validate leaving him. We have two children and I'm not willing to spilt the family up just because of this. I'm not a quitter but what I want is to try to find a way to resolve this issue if I can. I know we don't get enough time together away from the kids as his parents are crap at offering support (this has bought a lot of issues in itself) and when we have been away we have an amazing time and love each others company. I would describe him as a 'people pleaser', very chatty with others and friendly, will go out of his way to help, his job involves a lot of corporate networking and relationship building at director level and I think sometimes by the time he gets home he's just outing poof and can't be arsed to listen to my mundane day today tosh.

My ex was like this. He actually just wasn't interested in anything I had to say. Over time my whole personality changed and my confidence melted away to nothing. I left him in the end.

I would write to him, or tell him you have something to say and you expect him to listen and pay attention without interrupting. Then inform him that his behaviour is disrespectful and unreasonable, and if he does not address it he will ruin your marriage. Then tell him you will give him some time to think about it, but you will expect a response from him as to what he thinks you should do about it.

I'm so sick of reading about women whose husbands treat them like furniture, with no interest in their personhood at all.

Would anyone ever show him this thread? To show him it's not just me as that's what he always says.

"Please understand it isn't always like this, we do have great times, have a lot in common generally, and when it's good it's great, but it's this issue that continues to rear its ugly head but in my opinion doesn't validate leaving him. We have two children and I'm not willing to spilt the family up just because of this. I'm not a quitter but what I want is to try to find a way to resolve this issue if I can"

His actions are about power and control; abuse is not about a lack of being able to communicate. Abusive people are not nasty all the time; if they were no-one would want to be with them. You're describing really the nice/nasty cycle here and that is a continuous one.

You're still trying to justify his rotten behaviour towards you by taking on responsibility for it or trying to solve it. He is affecting you and in turn your children who see all this and learn from you both about relationships. Is this really the model you want to be showing them? Your not quitting attitude is simply hurting you here as well because you really do not want to confront the reality of his coldness towards you.

His parents are likely to be the same so this is inbuilt within him. Such people do not change.

Its he and he alone who has caused you to feel like this. Why is it down to you to try and resolve this issue seemingly alone?. You cannot carry this relationship on your own.

Do not show him this thread either; you need some outside support and showing him your thread will enable him to call us a lot of man hating harpies or some such nonsense. If he won't listen to you, a mere woman at that because that is what he thinks of you really, why would he take any notice of us?.

I would actually describe him as a "street angel house devil" and
"plausible to those in the outside world" rather than a people pleaser. Lovely to all those around him but with you he cannot even spare you words or the time of day. He regards you as inferior to him and thus not worthy of being spoken to. He also has a wide range of strategies to shut you up so has got you also thinking that you are at fault when you are not. He has you exactly where he wants you really.

If he was normally taciturn with others, I'd say you were being a bit unteasonable but if he's very chatty and sociable otherwise, you are definitely NOT being unreasonable.

speak how would he react if you did the same as him. Next time he's chatting away about his far more important issues just shut him down, exactly as he does to you, using exactly the same phrases. And repeat.
If you explain how your feeling he can dismiss you as overreacting- If you hold a mirror to his behaviour he might notice.

So you are not his equal in his eyes and are not worth having discussions with - about anything - not normal and pretty cruel.

He's not wonderful, he shuts you up and treats you like shit, that's not a good dad.

You can ignore it as much as you want OP but this is not a healthy team partnership; I could not be with someone that thought him more important than myself.

All you can do is tell him you've had enough and are not going to tolerate the contempt any longer.