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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I a bitch or is is a bit of both sides?

43 replies

WhyAmIBeingABitch · 26/05/2017 22:10

(I've NCd for this purely because I don't want this linked to my main history, but am a regular poster)

Lately I have noticed me and partner are squabbling more and I am getting more irritable. Is this recent episode just me wildly overreacting or did I have a point? (be honest but please be kind as I am feeling quite vulnerable)

Partner went to visit their family for the weekend. It's a long journey and as normal they said would let me know when they arrived safely. However instead of the expected text, I got a phone call, so I stopped the task I was doing to chat, thinking they had arrived and all settled in and were calling as they do most days for a chat.

Happily talking away and then I sense partner is clearly not listening and they suddenly interrupt and announce they have to go right then because the relative has just arrived. So I get pissy and just say fine, and end the call.

Partner calls me back a few seconds later and tries to continue the smalltalk but I feel like they were really rude - a text would have been 100% fine and what I expected, but they were the one who called me to (in my opinion) use me to waste time till a better entertainment option turned up and then they weren't interested - having interrupted me in what I was doing. Partner did not agree with this and says they didn't know relative was arriving at that time.

Written down this looks utterly ridiculous. But like I say, please be gentle, I am starting to get very scared for the state of my relationship.

OP posts:

ButtonMushroomEx · 26/05/2017 22:12

From just this post I'd say YABabitU.

But if you are worried about the state of your relationship then it sounds like there are bigger issues?

Guitargirl · 26/05/2017 22:13

You overreacted.

Fliptophead · 26/05/2017 22:13

It would have been more rude of your partner to ignore the relative they've not seen for a while in person
Anyway what's with the 'they' business?

Butterymuffin · 26/05/2017 22:14

Is this unusual? It's all about context. You say you've been squabbling lately. What about?

BaronessBomburst · 26/05/2017 22:20

A telephone call is nicer than a text. It's an upgraded version, and more personal.
It's unfortunate that they had to cut the call short because the relative arrived, but it would have been very rude to have contined to chat on the phone in those circumstances.
I would have been a bit disappointed, but overall pleased that my partner had phoned.

BoudiccasHare · 26/05/2017 22:21

I am no expert but to me it comes across like there is some resentment there from your side. I would have assumed, if it were my partner that the relative had just arrived suddenly and they didn't want to seem rude. So long as I knew they were there safe, as the conversation you had confirmed, I would have said a quick, 'Ok, no problem, have fun and love you!' Before ringing off but that's just me.
Do you feel awkward that your partner has gone on the trip?

Crumbs1 · 26/05/2017 22:22

Sounds a bit snowflake to me. You are seriously overreacting.

Original poster

WhyAmIBeingABitch · 26/05/2017 22:25

Thanks...

@ButtonMushroomEx But if you are worried about the state of your relationship then it sounds like there are bigger issues?
Yes - I am worried I am being a overly moody/touchy bitch too often and even I don't know why.

@Fliptophead It would have been more rude of your partner to ignore the relative they've not seen for a while in person
So why did they call, instead of send a text? Why make a phone call when you know someone you have gone to see is turning up "soon" even if you don't know the exact time. Less rude is still rude, isn't it?
(the "they" is my fairly lame attempt at not trying to identify myself, sorry if it's annoying)

@Butterymuffin Is this unusual? It's all about context. You say you've been squabbling lately. What about?
Nothing big. Just little annoyances that didn't used to wind me up. One thing about driving the other day, for example. I don't know if it's just part of normal relationship ups and downs or as I said originally, whether I have a bigger problem.

OP posts:

pudding21 · 26/05/2017 22:28

I think you are overthinking it to be honest......but that comes from someone whose every moved was critiqued for a long time, so I am a bit sensitive. Sometimes people just act, and don't have any meaning behind it. Just my opinion, but chiilllll.

Fliptophead · 26/05/2017 22:31

Because they wanted to have a five minute chat with you and thought they had time? Son can be ten minutes or a half hour

Original poster

WhyAmIBeingABitch · 26/05/2017 22:31

You lot type fast!

@BaronessBomburst A telephone call is nicer than a text. It's an upgraded version, and more personal...I would have been a bit disappointed, but overall pleased that my partner had phoned.
We had already spoken during the day and also during the journey so it wasn't like days had gone without contact.

@BoudiccasHare Do you feel awkward that your partner has gone on the trip?
Lord no. There was a reason to go and I was all for it as they haven't seen each other for a while and don't need me there as well. More than happy about the trip.

@Crumbs1 Sounds a bit snowflake to me. You are seriously overreacting.
I'm sorry you feel so harshly towards me. I am not trying to be a snowflake at all and tried to explain that I am confused about it too, and that I realised it did look stupid written down.

OP posts:

SuiteHarmony · 26/05/2017 22:33

Flip it around, and your partner wanted to fill the few minutes talking to YOU. Pity s/he (they?) didn't explain at the start, and I get you felt abandoned, but they didn't do a bad thing imo. Is there a background to the trip and did you want/not want to go?

Aquamarine1029 · 26/05/2017 22:34

Have you been having issues with anxiety?

Original poster

WhyAmIBeingABitch · 26/05/2017 22:36

@pudding21 I think you are overthinking it to be honest......
haha, I am the absolute master of overthinking every single last angle of everything. The fact I have made this thread is evidence of that!

Sometimes people just act, and don't have any meaning behind it. Just my opinion, but chiilllll.
I don't think my partner intended anything the way I have taken it, which again points to the fault lying on my side. I don't know where to go from here though.

Chill? That's not really in my nature. High strung is putting it mildly sometimes!

OP posts:

LauraMoon · 26/05/2017 22:40

I speak to my family quite a lot on the phone. At any time, one of us will say 'fuck, got to go, I need a wee/a child has fallen/someone's at the door/I'm late' and we just fuck off.

I can't imagine being in an intimate relationship and considering it rude.

gleam · 26/05/2017 22:40

I get what you mean.

Is there some tension between your partner and their relative, so that they were anxious to start off on the right foot with them?

Original poster

WhyAmIBeingABitch · 26/05/2017 22:41

@SuiteHarmony Pity s/he (they?) didn't explain at the start, and I get you felt abandoned, but they didn't do a bad thing imo.
Maybe my expectations were too high, but they have always been the one who phones me with nothing much to say, just wanting a chat, so I guess I assumed this was another of those times. I tend to only call them when I need to.

@Aquamarine1029 Have you been having issues with anxiety?
I've always had atrocious self esteem issues. Always felt never good enough for anything or anyone. So maybe? yes? I also have quite a lot of difficulty dealing with upset feelings, which I am trying to work on. Partner knows this and is super supportive all the time. I should really be counting my lucky stars for such a great person in my life, not pushing them away with stropping so much.

I hope we will be ok. It just feels like it needs work, and isn't as easy as it was before.

OP posts:

LauraMoon · 26/05/2017 22:42

Also, if I was , say, sitting on a train, I'd happily phone dh to fill the time and then tell him I'm hanging up when I get to the station, and vice versa.

It's totally normal imo and not anything to stress about.

Original poster

WhyAmIBeingABitch · 26/05/2017 22:47

You know what @LauraMoon I wonder if this is actually more the issue - a personality thing. You say if I was , say, sitting on a train, I'd happily phone dh to fill the time whereas I would not dream of doing so.

My mind tells me that using someone simply to suit my convenience/entertain me when I am bored is rude and if i want to talk to someone, then I make proper time that is good mutually. Not just when it suits me. Using your train example, then I would entertain myself - book, music...

(I am totally not dissing you, just trying to explain how I process it)

OP posts:

Original poster

WhyAmIBeingABitch · 26/05/2017 22:51

@gleam
I get what you mean.
Is there some tension between your partner and their relative, so that they were anxious to start off on the right foot with them?

No not at all, just that they haven't seen each other for a while, that's all.

Thank you for saying you get what I mean too. It can be a very lonely and difficult place inside my head at times.

OP posts:

pudding21 · 26/05/2017 22:58

whyamibeingabitch: I massively overthink but somehow most of the time I keep a lid on it (more recently its been more difficult and I recognise that as anxiety). I was together with my ex for 21 years and felt the brunt of his projected anxiety. It got worse to the point where I felt I was being suffocated as my every move was questioned. I am not suggesting this is the case, but take a step back in these situations and try and respond not react.

Try and think of a more positive spin, for example " DH wanted to talk to me even though he only had a few minutes". Maybe he was missing you weren't there with him, maybe he just missed you. Maybe he wanted you to be cheery and tell him to have fun.

Just a thought, not a critisism as I may be well off the mark.

tararabumdeay · 26/05/2017 23:00

Why should an adult check in safe with texts or phone calls every few hours if they're only going to be away a day or two? Is it because they can or, because they can, have to?

A phone call, instead of a text, for entertainment whilst waiting sounds cloying but we are social creatures.

On being alone and waiting in an unfamiliar place, especially if one is used to company, it is comforting and understandable to want to chat to the person one is most connected to.

This stupid text; phone call; pick up; reply culture seems like micromanagement of one's thoughts, feelings, actions throughout the very living day.

Yes, my Mum and Dad had to do that until I was old enough to get the bus to big school. After that I gained some independence. Isn't that what we all strive to achieve for ourselves, our loved ones, our children?

Original poster

WhyAmIBeingABitch · 26/05/2017 23:04

@pudding21 Try and think of a more positive spin, for example " DH wanted to talk to me even though he only had a few minutes". Maybe he was missing you weren't there with him, maybe he just missed you. Maybe he wanted you to be cheery and tell him to have fun.

Put like that I really AM a bitch . I don't know why I reacted so badly tonight. Partner is far more glass half full than me, so another worry I may have invented to kick myself some more is that he is having to work even harder than normal to maintain normal levels, as I keep knocking them down.

I am going to bed shortly, otherwise I will be chewing on this all night long.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 26/05/2017 23:06

If I was bored and waiting for someone I'd hsppily phone my husband and chat to him if he was free then say I have to go they have turned up.

I think this is fairly normal and much better than I'd rather just text and not talk to you.

I'm not sure what's going on with you, but it is your problem in my view. Phoning to chat to you then going when relative appears is fine.

pudding21 · 26/05/2017 23:08

Nah don't waste anymore time thinking on this. Call him in the morning, see how his day was :) You aren't a bitch, be cool ;)

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