Am I a bitch or is is a bit of both sides?

[WhyAmIBeingABitch]

(I've NCd for this purely because I don't want this linked to my main history, but am a regular poster)

Lately I have noticed me and partner are squabbling more and I am getting more irritable. Is this recent episode just me wildly overreacting or did I have a point? (be honest but please be kind as I am feeling quite vulnerable)

Partner went to visit their family for the weekend. It's a long journey and as normal they said would let me know when they arrived safely. However instead of the expected text, I got a phone call, so I stopped the task I was doing to chat, thinking they had arrived and all settled in and were calling as they do most days for a chat.

Happily talking away and then I sense partner is clearly not listening and they suddenly interrupt and announce they have to go right then because the relative has just arrived. So I get pissy and just say fine, and end the call.

Partner calls me back a few seconds later and tries to continue the smalltalk but I feel like they were really rude - a text would have been 100% fine and what I expected, but they were the one who called me to (in my opinion) use me to waste time till a better entertainment option turned up and then they weren't interested - having interrupted me in what I was doing. Partner did not agree with this and says they didn't know relative was arriving at that time.

Written down this looks utterly ridiculous. But like I say, please be gentle, I am starting to get very scared for the state of my relationship.

I think it's perfectly acceptable to phone your partner for a quick chat when you have an idle moment in your day. I actually think it's nice that he/she wants to. The fact that you see it as rude and exploiting you does seem a little odd to me, like you haven't relaxed into a proper intimate relationship but are still expecting the rather formal courtesy of the early dating stages.

Sorry but I couldnt get past the use of 'They'

The situation sounds very petty but obviously there's a lot more bubbling away under the surface that's making you feel annoyed

I'd consider a short, unexpected call from my partner as a lovely bonus.

You consider it rude. You need to work out why that is.

What else does your partner do that annoys you?

I think this is a self esteem issue more than anything else.

I'll try and make sense (wine) but I think that you possibly don't see yourself as worthy of their time, so a cut short phone call feeds into that. The other side of that is that you wouldn't do the same, you wouldn't 'waste' their time by using them as a filler, because their time is precious and you can't imagine using up their precious oxygen for a quick chat.

Whereas for me, I'd relish a quick snatched phone call, you see it as an insult because you feel brushed off. It is indeed all about personality but that doesn't mean you've got it wrong (and you're certainly not alone in this) just that you and they are coming at it from totally different angles.

For some people it's like 'fit in any quick chat you can' equals 'I value your time and mine and want to spend as much of it as I can chatting to you', and for others it's 'we can't be bothered to schedule real time for each other'.

No one is in the wrong, but you need to communicate and be clear about what your boundaries are.

Hope you're ok.

My h would have got very upset with me under similar circumstances. Similar thoughts to you, been very annoyed and then sad about how I thought so little of him, etc.

My h was the hardest work I have ever had to do, I have never felt as lonely and exhausted as I did with him. Happily for me the relationship ended a couple of years ago.

My new partner often rings me from his car between work appts and frequently will end with "I'll have to let you go, [work bod] is on the other line". It's never occurred to me to get upset about that, since I always like to hear from him.

It's really important that you unclench OP. This is how people end up alone and lonely when they are older (my h has himself said this to me, that he realises in retrospect how he drove everyone away from him by being difficult and touchy, sadly he now sees that his bad attitude was caused by a fear of abandonment... which led to him being abandoned... it's really sad). Would it be a good idea to perhaps explore this with a therapist? The reaction you describe is really, REALLY disproportionately negative, to the point of it sounding paranoid in the medical sense, tbh.

A different view perhaps - you ask 'why am I being a Bitch' ? Usually when I'm being a bitch it's because I can't resolve something that's beyond my control (and being a control freak - well you can imagine). Is there something happening in your life that's left you feeling angry or upset, but you can't find the right time or place to deal with it; so you push it down and it festers and then when something like the phone call situation happens your reaction is not predictable. Can you/do you express your loneliness to your partner or a thrapist perhaps ? I get the feeling that there is so much here that you're holding back.

It sounds from your description of yourself that you are quite introverted, and that if you take/make a phone call, you invest yourself fully. And that you yourself would not fill a random five minutes saying 'oh, haven't spoken to Suite in a while, I'll give her a bell and kill the time.' It's perfectly okay to feel how you do, and your partner mostly gets this, but not everyone will attach such significance to it as you do. I feel a tiny bit sorry for you as I've been there myself (I am a bit phone-phobic and only take calls if I am in the mood to talk - which has had the effect of both isolating me and making me attach to much seriousness to what is only an exchange of words) but really, those casual chats can be healthy and fun and normal and newsy without having to be a dedicated moment. Have I read you right?

@LauraMoon and @SuiteHarmony have made me cry! Not in a nasty way, in a how can you articulate things so clearly and coherently way. And for saying that being the way I am (while far from ideal) is actually ok.

@QuiteChic I do have other family stuff going on, but partner is very aware of that. Maybe the emotion of that is manifesting itself more than I thought I had let it?

Partner has done their usual thing of dropping the problem and reminding me I am loved - which is yet another struggle I have with myself as I don't feel I deserve such kind forgiveness without 'paying' for my behaviour. It really is astonishing how I ended up with someone at all! @jouu your warning and voice of experience is duly noted, thank you.

I am really really going to bed now...

I totally understand how you feel WhyAmI - and like LauraMoon and Suite have said, it seems to stem from your differing feelings about using the phone and also self-esteem. It sounds like your DP is very understanding and forgiving so do talk to them about how this makes you feel.

I have spoken to my DP about how a phone call is very startling and interrupting and for him to then hurry ME off the phone when he was the one to call, is really annoying. I've said I'd really prefer a text when he doesn't have much time, and then he can call me when he has time to spend.

He went through a phase of calling me just as he'd put his DCs to bed, then one of them would literally ALWAYS need something 2 minutes into the call and he'd hang up and say "I'll be right back" then call back an hour later once they were settled, meanwhile I'm waiting so I don't start to watch a TV prog, make a cup of tea or go to the loo, thinking he'll be calling back any moment.

Such little things but it causes a real problem when you have low self esteem and you are made to feel unimportant and like your time is not valuable.

Extroverts seem to think nothing of making or receiving phone calls, whereas introverts analyse what it means to the person on the other end, what they might be busy doing, how it will make them feel, what problems might arise from not being able to judge from facial expressions etc and end up tying ourselves in knots about every call.

It's crap and I do sympathise.

How long have you been together? I was more insecure with fights etc early on but nothing phases me now.

My BF does this on daily basis, rings me then hurries me off the phone (when I didn't particularly want phone call anyways) 🤦🏻‍♀️ But it doesn't annoy me, it's just him. He thinks different to me sometimes

On what planet is it rude to phone instead of texting? My DP and I often ring each just to check in and have a quick chat. What do you think peopled before mobile phones???

@FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty ...for him to then hurry ME off the phone when he was the one to call, is really annoying. I've said I'd really prefer a text when he doesn't have much time, and then he can call me when he has time to spend.
YES! This! I was expecting nothing more than a "got here, all ok xxx" text because I assumed he'd be busy with the family. So when he called I thought he was actually free to talk, not just "free till something better comes along"

introverts analyse what it means to the person on the other end, what they might be busy doing, how it will make them feel, what problems might arise from not being able to judge from facial expressions etc and end up tying ourselves in knots about every call
Quite, hence me nagging myself for ages after the event.

@user1486956786 How long have you been together? I was more insecure with fights etc early on but nothing phases me now.
4 or so years I reckon, maybe 5. At the start i was totally paranoid I'd get found out for the horrible human I am. I have at least managed to convince myself that he actually does love me and isn't going anywhere!

@user1471451259 On what planet is it rude to phone instead of texting?
On the planet where people RTFT before leaping straight in with a misplaced pop at me?

I do feel better now I know I am not alone and also not a complete freak.

I consider this standard behaviour: if you have a a little bit of time spare while waiting for someone, people often make a call to catch with someone and also to pass the time till the person you are waiting for arrives. M dh often calls for a quick chat while waiting for a friends to arrive.

Its really hard to tell from your post OP.

If there's something deeper going on, it would probably be best for you to reflect on that. Only you know the full picture. Its impossible to tell because of an interrupted phone call.

I'd be wary of taking the fact that some other people feel the same way as some kind of green light to keep treating your partner badly over things like this.

He/she may have forgiven you every single time until now, but even they will have their limits.

You can either get defensive about it, or admit the problem is yours and genuinely aim to sort it out.

I think Laura has it right. A quick phone call means different things, to different people. I wouldn't say you are a horrible wrong person you just look at it from a different angle than he does.

I think you need to try and look at the other point of view before you jump to your own conclusions. Understanding why you got upset is an important part of processing this as well as understanding why he can't see a problem.

Before you strop try and hold back and think about why you are upset. If you can try and articulate why you are upset rather than just getting upset it may help clear up misunderstandings better.

I'm autistic and I'm a queen of misinterpretation. Over the years I have had to learn to stop and think about why I'm upset and see if I can look at the other side. I can't always understand the other side but if I can manage to (even vaguely) articulate why I'm upset DH then has a chance to tell me the other side and I can see if it's me overreacting and overanalysing. It's hard but possible.

I think you're overreacting, but not a big deal :) I wondered about the "they" too!

Thanks to many of your wise comments on this thread, I was able to explain my upset clearly - actually using some of the phrases here - not just vague feelings to him.

I said I think that he was calling because he missed me and wanted to speak to me because that was better than a text; whereas could he see how my mind took his action as me feeling brushed off as nothing more than temporary "filler" while he waited for something more interesting. He could see that and he apologised for making me feel that way and I shit at apologising in words and prefer actions said I realised he didn't mean to upset me and that I in turn had mistaken his action for something it wasn't.

@myusernameisgeneric Over the years I have had to learn to stop and think about why I'm upset and see if I can look at the other side
I think pretty much every time I get upset is because the incident makes me feel like I am a crappy person or somehow lesser or worse or some other negative thing about my personality or being.

For example, we were doing something silly/childish together and then he suddenly stopped and came out with a comment along the lines of "I am not doing this any more it is childish and stupid and I am not that". To him that was "bit bored of that now, shall we do something else?". To me it was "you are childish and silly and I am a better person than you because I am not doing it anymore".

Anyway, the first part of the post (about us clearing the air) was the main thing, so wanted to say thanks for the advice.