Is this worrying? (TMI warning)

[Namechange0987]

Ok, have name changed here for obvious reasons.
This is even quite difficult for me to discuss anonymously - probably because I'm scared about what people's comments will tell me.
I've been with my OH for 6 years. We're very much in love, I am treated wonderfully by him, he's very attentive, tactful, kind etc and we have a good sex life.
Last year we got engaged and OH wanted to tell me something to get "everything out in the open" I was curious and willing to hear whatever was said.
He then told me that when he was younger he had engaged in oral sex with another man.
Obviously I was quite taken aback and surprised - he has always been very into my body and our sex life. I also don't know WHY he told me this. I don't feel like I needed to know it. He said he's never told anyone in his life and wanted me to know before we got married (again, not sure exactly why).
Since he told me he has told me that it's 'unearthed' what happened and he feels like he has been thinking about it more and more. He has also suggested that we have a 3-some and has admitted watching male to male porn of blow jobs!!
Now I'm very open minded and know several of my female friends who have also experimented when they were younger. But this just bothers me. Not the fact that he might be bi (which he obviously is as much as he isn't willing to accept it), but that I am never going to be able to give him THAT!
He has said that he could never imagine kissing another man, anal sex and is not aroused by the thought of cuddling or having a relationship with a man or looking at a man's body as a whole. But he says he feels aroused by an erect penis.
I do believe him.
Am I being stupidly naive??
Is it possible he really could have a "penis fetish" or is this just the first step to me being left for a man in the future?!??

I'm not sure how I would feel in your situation. Probably very very similar to how you are feeling now.

If my DP asked me for a threesome, with a man or a woman I would point him to the door. Don't get me wrong, we talked about it at the start but that's before we were happily committed to each other, living together and planning on being a couple together for the rest of our lives. Adding a third person breaks that (IMO).
But not everyone is the same, some people have open relationships so their partner can fulfill this sort of desire. It really depends on how you feel about it, and I really hope your partner can be fully honest with what he wants before you waste more time and money on him

I wouldn't have an issue with the arousal by erect penis. Lots of women have fantasies about sex with other women and I'm pretty sure if a man posted he would be told it's normal. It's seen as abnormal in a man because men aren't supposed to behave that way. They aren't even allowed to comment on whether other men are attractive or not.
What I would have an issue with is why tell you now? He told you because he wants you to act on this in some way. Then he introduced the idea of a threesome to you. So he wants this fantasy to be part of his sex life again. It would also make me wonder if this was the whole story. I very much doubt it was a one off when young. I think he is telling you the information he thinks he can get away with.

Calling bollocks. Sorry. I don't believe anything has been unearthed or that he hasn't been indulging a double life (of some sorts) for years.

Definitely this What I would have an issue with is why tell you now? He told you because he wants you to act on this in some way. Then he introduced the idea of a threesome to you. So he wants this fantasy to be part of his sex life again. It would also make me wonder if this was the whole story. I very much doubt it was a one off when young. I think he is telling you the information he thinks he can get away with

Also, it's all about him and his fantasy. Has he asked you what turns you on?

Asking a woman for a threesome with another man is a pretty big ask in my book. Sorry, but it sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too.

Hate to say it, but I know of many 'gay widows', women whose men led double lives with the perfect family at home (usually a woman who did his washing and bore his children) and the gay double-life outside. Some were asked to participate in this (his) fantasy at some stage. Others found out the hard way when they got sick and were diagnosed with AIDS (as it was called at the time). I know of one situation in the late 80s where the woman died and the man leapt from the closet, somehow turning the situation into one where he was wronged by homophobia and a controlling wife. He also managed 'my children now hate me', completely oblivious to the fact that this was because he killed their mother.

No, not saying your OH will do any of this, but there are too many red flags for me. I'd run.

Just to be clear - he didn't actually ask if we could have a 3some but when I asked if he wanted to act on it he said he only would if I was involved. I probably should have made that clearer. I do believe him when he said it was only once because he admitted that if he'd been able to he probably would have tried it more than once but that the situation only arose one time.
I wouldn't want a 3some to be honest, I'm happy with our sex life and don't have any desire to change that. I think I will talk to him more about it though, although when i do he says he is content with our sex life and I know he'd never hurt me.
Thanks for all the genuine responses from everyone - I was so worried about posting this but you've made me realise that it really isn't that weird.
I just did some searching too - don't know why I didn't before(!) and have found quite a few articles about this being quite common in otherwise straight men.

Also, it's all about him and his fantasy. Has he asked you what turns you on? - yes he has. We have a very open and good sex life. I'm far from naive and believe me - when we got together I found a fair amount of straight porn on his laptop, never gay porn.

OP, do you want a monogamous relationship with him? If you do then I'd think very carefully. From what you have said, it sounds to me like there will become a.time when you are not enough, and he will seek out a man/men to fulfil that side of himself.

I think he is testing the waters to see how you feel about having a fairly open marriage where he can continue some sexual activity with men.
The suggestion of a threesome is involving you in what I suspect is ongoing homosexual activity.
I don't see anything wrong with this if you both feel happy about it.
He has been honest about what he wants. You really need to think about what you would like.

Namechanged for this, just want to be sure it's worked.

This would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. I've been there. He's giving you a sanitised glimpse of the "real" him to see how you react and by the looks of it you are being the "cool wife" by not having a problem with it. Only you can judge if that's how you really feel.

And I'm not sure fantasies of an erect penis on another man really is that common amongst straight men tbh. Maybe it's only the ones who do who write about it on the internet.

Navy

'rear its ugly head'

He has also suggested that we have a 3-some and has admitted watching male to male porn of blow jobs!!

To me this sounds like he's needing to explore this side of his sexuality. And he's trying to ask for permission to do so within your relationship.

And he's already done it. It's not merely a fantasy.

Ok. I'm in a similar position to your OH. If I told you my sexual history you would probably describe me as bi - I try not to define myself bit if pushed would say I'm straight as I've never had a relationship with a woman and it would feel a bit appropriative and TMI to go round describing myself as bi on the strength of a few shags.

I have had sex with a small number of women and am in a very longstanding relationship with a man, kids etc. I can see getting engaged could have triggered him to get talking about this as he may have been thinking that the door is now closed on exploring that side of his sexuality unless you are involved. I don't think this needs to mean he has acted on his feelings at all and I hate the stereotype of the randy bisexual who can't help it.

For me, I only fantasize about women (never other men) but wouldn't be into a threesome so am happy to leave it there and think that in the sad event our relationship was to break down a silver lining would be to have the freedom to have female partners, possibly, if I wanted to.

I don't know why people always feel they know someone better than the OP on these threads. OP has said several times she trusts her DH and that he wouldn't hurt her.
Why do people always look on the pessimistic side? - Suggesting he's been "sticking his cock on glory holes for years" is just idiotic. There is no information given that would suggest that, we can only go off what the OP is saying - which is that he is a respectable person. Maybe he has just told you cos it was playing on his mind and now you're getting married he wants you to know that.
One of my friends is a relationship counsellor and she has talked about this kind of thing before - people have foot fetishes etc and I'm pretty much 100% sure that if it was a man saying his wife liked the idea of going down on another woman noone would be suggesting she's been at it for years and he should run a mile.
Don't let it stress you OP - be frank with him about your feelings and if he's still saying it's no big deal I think it's more your issue than his.

For me, I only fantasize about women (never other men) but wouldn't be into a threesome so am happy to leave it there and think that in the sad event our relationship was to break down a silver lining would be to have the freedom to have female partners, possibly, if I wanted to

Namechange - I get that. I do think it is different for men though. The male gay scene is actually quite promiscuous and gay men are 'given permission' in socially constructed ways to indulge in ways that woman are not ...

I wouldn't want a 3some to be honest, I'm happy with our sex life and don't have any desire to change that. I think I will talk to him more about it though, although when i do he says he is content with our sex life and I know he'd never hurt me

But he's not 100% content is he? Yes talk and be honest with him and true to yourself about what you find arousing. You might find that counselling helps you both say things you are afraid to say otherwise.

Namechange - thanks for sharing that. I think I get myself all flustered about it but have to then remind myself that my partner is amazing and I trust him fully. I know he wouldn't stray and find it pathetic that people would suggest that.
I'm sure noone would make those comments about your situation so don't see what the difference is?? It's probably these attitudes that make men feel they can't open up about these things.
Yes, he did liken it to a foot fetish to be fair missb - he said that if he saw the man's whole body he would lose his libido. I think I need to accept I won't necessarily understand it but that it doesn't mean there's something wrong.

Strangers on the internet do not know what is really happening here. Be aware though that bringing a man in as a threesome can be a way for the Husband to have sexual activity with another man, with his wife's agreement. And if you were to have a threesome, I think this is what it would be about in your case.

The reason though some are suggesting he has already been sexually active with other men whilst being with you, is that many men do do this, although obviously not all.

Eh, this is quite a common fantasy for straight men. There's a reason 'chicks with dicks' is a whole sub-genre of porn and prostitution (one almost exclusively patronised by straight men). When they do human sexuality studies they generally find straight men are more aroused by the sight of an erect penis than a lot of straight women are.

The question is really whether he's happy for this just to be a fantasy or whether he sees himself wanting to act on it in future, and the only way to figure that out is through talking to him and establishing clearly where your personal boundaries are.

It is already more than a fantasy though as he has followed through with it.

I'm pretty surprised to see some very narrow-minded answers on here. I'd say it's perfectly normal that your partner would share his fantasies with you as your lives are about to change.

I've been with my partner for 10 years. Last year we'd started talking about children, and knowing that our lives would change from adult only to family, it made me reflect on something I'd always kind of wanted to try but hadn't. It was the first time I'd ever shared that fantasy with my partner. The change that we were about to embark on made me want to share some of my thoughts and regrets.

I think you just need to talk to him about it - does he actually want to have a threesome? Does he think that if he can't, he may end up feeling unfulfilled in the future? Is there anything you could do together that might make him feel more fulfilled (perhaps watching fetish porn together, etc)?

Wonder

'fess up. You're not surprised. You just wanted to get a dig in

It is already more than a fantasy though as he has followed through with it.

That was before their relationship, though, wasn't it? Possibly long before. I don't think that matters nearly as much as whether he sees himself acting on it in the future. Fwiw my partner had same sex experiences in the past and they're not any more relevant now than his past opposite sex ones. Same for me.

I have some fantasies that aren't included in my life with DP. Some of them I've acted upon previously. I've no intention of doing anything about them while I'm with DP, but I have shared them with him as we talk about that stuff.