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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

*trigger warning* raped(?) and didn't know

34 replies

Iamsuchamess · 26/05/2017 01:00

NC but a regular.

Long story....

Years ago I was in a hideous place in my life. So as not to drag this out for 10 pages, I basically ended up in a situation where I took a lot of drugs and got so drunk I couldn't walk for a few months. There were a couple of people I would regularly meet up and do this with.

Fast forward a fair few years..... I'm now a mother and going through a divorce. Stbexh sends me a video......of me having sex with one of the people i used to associate with.

I dont remember agreeing to this. I don't remember agreeing to being recorded (which I clearly didn't, as in the video I'm telling him to stop recording!)

Anyway....this was a long while ago. I now have a new DP. We seem to be solid. We talk about everytging. I explained what happened.

But having spoken to him about this incident and the fact that I consider it to be rape and 'revenge porn' as he is still sending it to people years later, I've been told that I'm the one that is to blame, as I 'got wasted' and 'didn't remember '.

I'm so hurt. I should not have done what I did back then. I know this.

Drugs and alcohol are not the way to fix a problem.
But I also don't feel like I was to blame wholly.
I was in a vulnerable position. He took advantage. I couldn't have taken my protests any further.

But I still maintain, as much as I take responsibility for my actions, that it was not all my fault!! AIBU?

OP posts:
MyheartbelongstoG · 26/05/2017 01:04

You are not responsible op please please don't think that!

Singyourheartout · 26/05/2017 01:07

It is totally not your fault! You where vunrable and they took advantage! Please report it! If your in the U.K. I think it is criminal offence

PickAChew · 26/05/2017 01:09

Of course yanbu. The state you were in was not conducive to giving or effectively denying consent. Those who took advantage of that are the ones very much in the wrong.

RhythmAndStealth · 26/05/2017 01:12
Flowers
Original poster
Iamsuchamess · 26/05/2017 01:23

Thank you all.

I'm trying to work it out in my own head still I think.

Im such a different person now to what I was back then. I dont even understand how I got myself into that position.

It killed me finding out when I did because of how different a person I had become.

I sometimes wish my path of self destruction had worked....at least I would not be in this situation now! Sad

OP posts:
Plunkette · 26/05/2017 01:30

Call the police and report the video.

Seriously consider whether there is any long term future with a man that thinks that consent isn't required.

Original poster
Iamsuchamess · 26/05/2017 01:37

There is no future with the prick who just victim blamed me.....

He just text me and said:

"Any woman or girl that goes out and gets in such a state that it results in incidents like you are on about is a disgrace and not my kind of person.
You get in that state what do you expect?
You did it."

Fucking cunt!

OP posts:
MyheartbelongstoG · 26/05/2017 01:45

Who text, your boyfriend?

Hidingtonothing · 26/05/2017 01:45

Sorry OP do you mean your current partner sent you that text? If so you need to block him, now, that's an utterly vile thing to say to you and you don't need someone like that in your life. It wasn't your fault, don't ever think that. Do you have any support in real life, friends or family who can come and be with you?

chipmonkey · 26/05/2017 01:49

You are well rid of that prick, OP! Block his number. You don't need that kind of victim-blaming shithead in your life. You were taken advantage of. No decent bloke would have sex with a woman who is intoxicated and it takes cuntishness to a new level to film it.

Arealhumanbeing · 26/05/2017 01:51

OP, who raped you and recorded the video. Was it STBXH or did the perpetrator send the video to him?

Make sure you keep the video and all of the text messages. In case you decide to report.

This wasn't your fault at all. I can hear you trying to take on some of the responsibility but you don't need to do that.

Again, it wasn't your fault.

Plumkettle · 26/05/2017 01:56

Fucking hell OP, this is absolutely awful. Your stbxh is an arsehole and whoever sent him the video belongs in jail. Please don't let them get away with this.

TheRugbyValkyrie · 26/05/2017 01:58

I really hope that the following help:

  1. please accept a big hug, be kind to yourself and be strong
  2. you are well rid of the shitbag who is victim blaming.
  3. the CPS defines consent as "Someone consents to vaginal, anal or oral penetration only if s/he agrees by choice to that penetration and has the FREEDOM and CAPACITY to make that choice."
  4. your stbexh, needs to be reported to the Police. The Criminal Justice and Courts Act 2015 made it a criminal offence to "disclose private sexual photographs and films without the consent of an individual who appears in them and with the intent to cause the individual distress." The only reason your ex sent you the video was to upset you. He too is a shitbag and breaking the law.
Original poster
Iamsuchamess · 26/05/2017 01:58

Sorry, I'm not making sense.

Person A raped me.
Person B is my ExH.
Person C is my new 'D'P.

A sent the video to B during divorce procedings. B showed me to humiliate me. Video was taken 5+ years before i even married B, as proven by tattoos I have in the video.

Years down the line I meet C
Tell him all about it. He then sends that text.

😔

OP posts:
OrlandaFuriosa · 26/05/2017 02:10

Send a polite text back to C saying,

" thanks for your text. I had come to the same conclusion that we weren't right for each other based on your reaction, which was neither compassionate nor in accordance with the stance the current law would take. I wish you well for the future but don't want to see you again. "

He's unmentionable, what a self righteous shit, thank god you discovered this now,

Hugs and hugs and hugs.

OliviaStabler · 26/05/2017 02:39

C needs to be dumped pronto. What an asshole.

Flowers for you OP

LilyMcClellan · 26/05/2017 03:01

Orlanda has the right idea, although rather than wishing him well for the future, you might like to suggest that he fucks off and dies.

user1486956786 · 26/05/2017 03:08

I have a past that I'm not proud of. It really haunts me at times as I'm such a different person now and so embarrassed. So I totally understand how you are feeling. You just have to focus on future as you cannot reverse whats been done. I just avoid thinking about it whenever I can.

I'm not deliberately ignoring rape and current partner situation, just wanted to let you know I relate to part of what your post is about and everyone else has addressed the other bits.

Unicornsandrainbows3 · 26/05/2017 05:38

That's awful and I'm so, so sorry. Your 'D'P is absolutely disgusting and what happened is not your fault. Would you consider reporting to police?

NotYoda · 26/05/2017 05:56

C is a horrible man and not worthy of you

How do you feel about reporting this to the police?

I wonder if you need some counselling to talk about this - I hope you realise that this was rape and that you've been treated so so badly by these three men, but it may take time an help to precess that

NotYoda · 26/05/2017 05:56

process

newdaylight · 26/05/2017 05:58

I'm sorry to hear about this DP. I'd report it. Even if the police are unable to evidence that it is rape (and given how your describe the video they may well be able to prove that anyway) in sure they could prosecute under revenge porn laws.

Clearly your DP does not respect women and does not deserve you.

DownTownAbbey · 26/05/2017 06:33

C is actually a really disturbing character. He clearly thinks if he rapes someone who's drunk or otherwise incapacitated that they would be getting what 'they deserved '. Urgh.

It's a real shame that when these misogynistic pricks reveal the dark workings of their deviant little minds that we can't brand them on the forehead so perfectly lovely women like you don't have to wait for them to out themselves.

You are a victim several times over. Report the revenge porn. Have you posted about this before?

MajesticWhine · 26/05/2017 06:42

Sorry you are going through this. C needs to educate himself about the meaning of consent. Arsehole.
Revenge porn is clearly against the law and you have all the evidence you need, so report it.

sheepashwap · 26/05/2017 06:45

I hope you've never been drunk with C.

As for A, report him. Report the video.

And hold your head up high. Taking drugs is not the ideal way to live for most people, sure, but many people get ridiculously drunk. However, both are utterly incompatible to raping someone!! And filming it!! And distributing it!!!!