Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you date this man?

33 replies

scabblewumpet · 25/05/2017 20:17

He's 50 I'm late 40's. He's good company, we get along well, I've known him for about a year. It seems we have much in common in our work/interests/outlook on life. It's clear we both like each other, we've grown closer in recent times and we're kind of on the cusp of something, BUT

His family are an absolute pigging nightmare & ultimately, if you settle down with someone, in the long term you also end up involved with the extended family. He was born with bodily disfigurements that required immediate surgery to a mother who was herself 16yo & the victim of rape. She kept him but never bonded with him and it sounds like he's had quite a hard life being knocked from pillar to post by a totally dysfunctional family. When he was 18 his stepfather ran off with and married his 16yo sister! He's in therapy at the moment & is learning more about the dynamics in which he's lived all his life but he's not in a place yet where he wants to go nc - he may never be. We're both single, our work crosses & we enjoy time together. I genuinely like him but I have real reservations about being in a relationship with someone whose family is so messed up. Wwyd?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 25/05/2017 20:32

Would you have to have anything to do with them or would he be OK with you staying away? Have you actually met any of them? Are they likely to make your life difficult? Many people are dysfunctional in private but outwardly normal enough.

Sounds like you get on well even though in theory he could be a gibbering wreck; he must be pretty tough not to be, and if he's in therapy he's learning how to cope with it and not in denial or anything. A self-aware person working on his problems ... good in my book.

QuiteLikely5 · 25/05/2017 20:39

If he's got attachment issues then trouble could be in store - what is his relationship history?

pombal · 25/05/2017 20:43

At 20 years old I would have. I thought I should judge people purely on how I found them.

I'm the same sort of age as you now and I wouldn't get involved with someone who had so much emotional turmoil in their life.

I just don't have the strength for it anymore.

foxyloxy78 · 25/05/2017 20:49

Agree with pombal

ravenmum · 25/05/2017 20:55

I'm in my late 40s too and would be careful about my choice, but also feel like I could deal with a dp's family better than when I was younger - either by being firm with them or by refusing to have anything to do with them. But my dp would have to be OK with that approach!

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 25/05/2017 21:02

Why would you punish him because his family are arse holes?
Having a loving, supportive dp may give him the strength /inclination to go nc with them!!
My dh had a horrific childhood - we met, he faced what they had subjected him to and when we had ds he did go nc after being a dp himself and seeing how wrong they had been to him. By you walking away his journey to now has been for nothing!!

ChicRock · 25/05/2017 21:02

Nah, not for me. I'd forget this one.

ChicRock · 25/05/2017 21:04

By you walking away his journey to now has been for nothing!!

Oh give over, the OP owes him nothing and you're placing a huge responsibility onto her with that fucking ridiculous statement.

Original poster
scabblewumpet · 25/05/2017 21:05

His relationship history is very simple, he's divorced now but had a long marriage (18yrs) to a woman he met as a teen. I gather the attraction between them was that they both had fucked-up families & they both wanted to create together the stability they both didn't have. He was the one to break the marriage, he said they'd out-grown one another. He has a single grown dd.

OP posts:
Mermaidinthesea123 · 25/05/2017 21:06

Nope I married someone with similar issues and although good at first was soon an absolute nightmare.
His family were horrific and you can never escape them.
I'm glad to be out of there.

HappyJanuary · 25/05/2017 21:07

How much involvement does he have with his family, and how much involvement would you be expected to have?

I wouldn't walk away from something good because he had the misfortune of being born into a dreadful family.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 25/05/2017 21:08

Why not take it very very slow and see how it works out. His family aren't his fault but I can see why you are apprehensive.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 25/05/2017 21:13

Everyone has a past. . Lots of people have dysfunctional families. .
Over a certain age it is unlikely any of us would find a flawless dp!!
I had exh and lots of dc when I met dh. He never saw anything except 'me' when we stated dating. .

SaltySeaDog72 · 25/05/2017 21:15

Personally, I would see where he gets to with his therapy. I would leave it a long while.

MozzchopsThirty · 25/05/2017 21:19

His attachment issues will cause huge problems
He will appear normal but his self regulation will be skewed, how he deals with anger, stress, upset, will be very different from someone who had a good relationship with their caregiver

Having just walked away from a man with avoidant attachment I really wouldn't bother

Ellisandra · 25/05/2017 21:28

Why is everyone calling him attachment avoidant?
OP said it was his mother who didn't bond with him.
My mother had PND and was rather shite and never bonded with me. I have gone on to form healthy loving attachments elsewhere.

It sounds to me like you're too old to be tying yourself into his family by having children... so I'd would consider dating him if I was satisfied about 3 things:

  • he was well into his therapeutic journey and felt he had gained from it
  • he has no issue with me saying I didn't want anything to do with his family
  • I could honestly look myself in the mirror and know that I wasn't in rescuer mode
category12 · 25/05/2017 21:29

Nope.

MamaHanji · 25/05/2017 21:30

If the feelings are there and you are willing to potentially put up with some difficult times, then I would. I knew my partner had a fucked up past and abusive parents. I naively thought that a she was nc with them, it would be fine. It was not fine. But I would make the same decision again. It's not easy, as he's got a lot to work through. (Very slowly as he won't see a professional, and is naturally a very negative person). But it's worth it as I our connection was almost instant.

MamaHanji · 25/05/2017 21:32

I should add, as are both young. I'm 22, he 26. But as pp said. If I was 40+, I don't know if I would put myself through that drama and work for a relationship.

Hassled · 25/05/2017 21:36

You don't really say what the family are like on a day to day basis, though - when you meet them are they pleasant? Kind? I think from your perspective (obviously not his) that matters more than the dysfunctional past in terms of your future with him.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/05/2017 21:39

You need to think about your own life and your own stability. I wouldn't even consider dating him. You CANNOT fix him.

rumred · 25/05/2017 21:42

Nah. In answer to your question

HildaOg · 25/05/2017 23:10

At fifty he should be adult and wise enough to cut out all toxic troublemakers. If he can't do that then no, I wouldn't get closely involved. I've had toxic in laws (ex thankfully), they destroyed the relationship and caused so much stress it took two years post break up to recover. Never again.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 25/05/2017 23:25

Your OP sounds like you'd prefer him to be nc with them. Just be careful that you don't go into it with that on your agenda. You'll end up resenting each other.

Swipe left for the next trending thread