Would you date this man?

[scabblewumpet]

He's 50 I'm late 40's. He's good company, we get along well, I've known him for about a year. It seems we have much in common in our work/interests/outlook on life. It's clear we both like each other, we've grown closer in recent times and we're kind of on the cusp of something, BUT

His family are an absolute pigging nightmare & ultimately, if you settle down with someone, in the long term you also end up involved with the extended family. He was born with bodily disfigurements that required immediate surgery to a mother who was herself 16yo & the victim of rape. She kept him but never bonded with him and it sounds like he's had quite a hard life being knocked from pillar to post by a totally dysfunctional family. When he was 18 his stepfather ran off with and married his 16yo sister! He's in therapy at the moment & is learning more about the dynamics in which he's lived all his life but he's not in a place yet where he wants to go nc - he may never be. We're both single, our work crosses & we enjoy time together. I genuinely like him but I have real reservations about being in a relationship with someone whose family is so messed up. Wwyd?

People can be surprisingly resilient though. My dh is one example of that, he seems to have processed it fairly well, hasn't gone nc because would cause more trouble than it would solve but doesn't reflect any of it back on me or our kids. I'd give him a chance. Also therapy means he has a safe place to explore it so might make it easier for you both if he's dealing with it there.

All the problems in our relationship, his lack of trust, his insecurity, his possessiveness etc are down to his abusive narcissist parent. What's blindingly obvious to everyone , including one of his siblings, isn't to him. It's been a very turbulent relationship where I've had to continually deal with being suspected of all sorts of things and all because of his parent.

However, if I was older, and knew the score from the start (it took years to realise) and had no children with him, then I could deal with it a lot easier.

Nope. If you enjoy his company then keep him as a friend and enjoy that.

If you feel he's putting pressure on you to "give something more" under the ruse of friendship then he was no true friend in the first place and you're better rid.

Stay away from chaos - if you feel the need to be a "fixer" then there are avenues for compassion that won't ruin your own emotional equilibrium (volunteer with vulnerable groups or even take the time to work on yourself) which is what this kind of situation inevitably leads to.

You could date him, it doesn't necessarily have to be a serious relationship. I think the things to consider are what might happen to your friendship if things didn't work out, and how either of you might feel if the other started dating someone else.

who doesn't have shit in their family?

i would tell a 20 something to avoid but when you're over 40 who hasn't got baggage? you're also supposedly older stronger and wiser enough to move on if it gets sour than a young person who may ne naive and lacking in experience.

lots of people dislike the inlaws.. makes life complicated but it's very common.

date him if you like him but id take it slow. it's not like you'll move in together and have children.. you can easily end it if you find it unsuitable.

My partner had similar bad childhood and it doesn't cause any issues. Sometimes he doesn't make us much effort with my family as I don't think he has any understanding of it. And although he tries very hard he's not the worlds greatest dad with his child (effort and love is there, but practical stuff he doesn't have a clue but it's not an issue). If he didn't love or care, that would be a concern.

At the end of the day, any person you may be with could have a mad family, interfering or rude parents etc.

But he's older with older child, give it a shot!

No. It sounds like there are lots of unresolved issues. It's not about the impact his family would have on you. It's about the impact they have on him and how he can move on from the destructive childhood dynamic. You can't 'fix' any of that but your relationship could end up bearing the brunt of it.

No, I wouldn't.