Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone up? Found messages on DP's phone.

51 replies

Whambulance · 25/05/2017 01:27

I'm not proud of myself but I went through his phone (he's asleep).

Before we moved in together, he got cold feet and had messaged another girl who he had been talking to before we got serious but never met. He admitted all to me and we moved on. This was about eight months ago.

At the weekend, I could see he was messaging someone on facebook and asked who she was. He said he didn't know her and that she had just added him and started messaging but I could tell from the way their conversation read that he wasn't being honest.

Turns out he found her on POF, messaged her first and they had a brief conversation -he told her she was very pretty - before he requested her facebook details. He added her and initiated the conversation on messenger too.

There were two other conversations on POF that he initiated recently. In one of them the girl he messaged is talking about her son who is the same age as mine, yet he makes no mention of living with my son (not his) who is the same age.

Conversations are innocent enough, general chatting and apart fom the comment about one girl being pretty, not filrty at all. But why is he on a dating site, which still says he is single on his profile, initiating conversations?

The first two girls don't even live remotely near us so I doubt he's intending on meeting up and actually acting on anything. The third girl (with the son) stays a bit closer.

Wtf do I do now?

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 25/05/2017 06:52

It sounds a bit sad.

He pushed to move your relationship forward but he's still on dating sites? If you can't tell him you were snooping, say a friend saw his profile on POF, get him to explain that first. And if all this chat is so innocent, then why not mention it when you were concerned about his messaging? 'Oh, it's just this girl I know, we just chat'.

Keeping his darting profile up is worse than the chatting imo. Tell him you know. And don't fall for the 'I don't know why I did it' story. They always know.

Zaphodsotherhead · 25/05/2017 06:54

Dating. Not darting. Bad eyesight at this time in the morning!

AnyFucker · 25/05/2017 06:57

You are seriously wondering what to do next ?

Your boyfriend is still dating. Think about it.

Original poster
Whambulance · 25/05/2017 09:06

I'm fairly sure my POF profile is still active, however I deleted the app and no longer use it- that's the difference.

I don't get it, he isn't secretive at all. He knows I have his password although I guess he trusts me not to snoop, it's not usually in my nature.

I don't necessarily think he's looking to physically cheat but this is still a betrayal.

I asked him when we woke up this morning if he was ok and if we were ok, if there was anything he wanted to tell me and he said no.

I know I need to bring it up with him but not sure what to say. I want to see if he tells me the whole truth without me having to reveal how much I already know.

Whether I stick around or not depends on how that conversation goes.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 25/05/2017 12:42

He's not looking physically to cheat but yet is on a dating site seeking out OW, get real OP, of course he is, he's already taking the complete piss out of you and your relationship, do you really think that's good enough, esp at this stage, kick his arse out and have some standards; there are other men out there that will not go behind your back; he does it because he wants to, simple as that.

BIWI · 25/05/2017 12:49

I'm amazed that you even have to ask what to do Sad

Where's your self esteem and respect? This guy doesn't respect you, he wants to keep you at home (probably knocked up with children) so he can continue to play the field.

Get rid of him. I notice he's also in your house - so easy to get shot of him.

SparklingRaspberry · 25/05/2017 13:24

OP I mean this in the kindest way but where's your backbone?

He's messaging other women. You think just because they're miles away it doesn't count as cheating?

You're worried about telling him you've snooped??? WHY?! What he's done is ten times worse than you snooping! The fact you're scared of telling him you've gone through his phone tells me you'll forgive him and carry on as normal - otherwise why else wouldn't you have it out with him?

He knows you'll lay over and forgive him. He clearly knows you'll do anything for him which is why he's doing what he's doing - because he can and he knows you'll still be there at the end of the day.

Either have it out with him and stand up for yourself, or accept he doesn't respect you and will continue to message other women.

Stop thinking 'but he asked me about moving in together' and 'but he's spoken to me about marriage' or 'but he includes me in everything!' And start thinking 'my boyfriend respects me that little he's messaging other women'

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 25/05/2017 13:34

He's active on POF, that should tell you all you need to know. He's keeping you in the picture until someone "better" comes along, he's hedging his bets and all that. If you ask him about it he will make an excuse, but really what excuse can he make. And if he's doing it for attention then that makes him pathetic and do you really want that quality in a partner.

Original poster
Whambulance · 25/05/2017 14:28

I don't want to believe it but it's there in black and white. What kind of person pushes to build a life with someone then does this behind their back? I have never pushed him for any of this, I've never pressured him to commit to me so why has he gone this far when its not what he wants?

OP posts:
Offred · 25/05/2017 14:55

This is called future faking.

He did it because he is a commitment phobe and possibly sexist. He may have assumed that because you are a woman what you wanted was moving in, marriage and children. Telling you he would gift all of those things to you probably made him feel good about himself but he lacks the tools to actually act on those promises or to actually understand that just because you are female doesn't mean that is what you want.

AnyFucker · 25/05/2017 15:56

He also says what he thinks you want to hear to get you to stfu about anything he does that would normally be unacceptable to you

And it's working pretty well

Aquamarine1029 · 25/05/2017 19:45

He may not have checked out, but he's definitely looking for more. If he hasn't "officially" cheated yet, he will. He's showing you who he is and you need to believe him. Don't waste one more second on this bastard.

Original poster
Whambulance · 25/05/2017 20:37

He hasn't said anything AF, I've not brought it up yet.

I'm going to speak to him when he gets back tonight.

OP posts:
noova61 · 25/05/2017 23:53

Wham...Have you spoken to him. My honest opinion (fwiw) is hes on the look out for someone new, maybe not immeadiatly, but one day hes going to turn round and say Sorry babe, its not you, its me, this isnt working!

MyheartbelongstoG · 26/05/2017 00:32

What man is ever going to say when asked if there's anything he wants to tell you "oh yeah, I'm chatting to another woman"

Wtf, get rid of him.

Are you doing the same to him? Thought not.

Now ask yourself why your not.....

NotYoda · 26/05/2017 08:23

Whambulance

Has it occurred to you that he wants both a secure relationship with you and to flirt/shag around?

hellsbellsmelons · 26/05/2017 09:53

So how did the chat go OP?

Original poster
Whambulance · 26/05/2017 11:03

I spoke to him last night. Asked him outright why he had lied about who the facebook girl was and how he had got talking to her.

He came clean about it all, tried to say his head was messed up over something pretty serious a few weeks ago which put alot of strain on our relationship, he thought I was going to end things and he wanted a distraction. I told him I wasn't buying it, that our argument had been harder on me than it was on him and that I had worked hard to move on without looking elsewhere for comfort. He has apologised and basically said that he's been a cunt, would never have acted on any of it etc.

I don't know where we go from here, I love him and I don't want to break up with him over this but I don't know how to trust him again.

OP posts:
NotYoda · 26/05/2017 11:22

He's not trustworthy

Normal people don't do that after an argument

You will have other arguments (if you don't ditch him). If he has no other emotional resources than to get attention from other women then that's unlikely to change, is it.

Don't believe him

JaneEyre70 · 26/05/2017 11:34

So he's committed to you, and basically just keeping one eye open over his shoulder just to make sure he's not missing anything better. How romantic Hmm.

Adora10 · 26/05/2017 14:03

Strain or stress does not make people sex text other women; that's utter crap, and if he's saying that is true then what happens next time he feels strained or stressed, same thing? What a really poor excuse.

Where you go from here OP is give him a bloody consequence because it's looking like you're going to let him off; just remember this is at a cost of your own self worth.

TempusEedjit · 26/05/2017 14:17

Look this is the second time he's done this (that you know of) in the past 8 months. He's a cheat. Even if he wasn't and it was just stress it's obviously his go-to method for dealing with problems and he's not going to suddenly change. Get rid before he destroys your self-worth.

AnyFucker · 26/05/2017 15:04

He's not worth your time

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/05/2017 15:15

What is your baseline here for dumping this man if not this?. Is your relationship bar really that low that you would continue to put up with this from him?. Ok so you "love him" but the fact remains he does not respect you.

No trust - no relationship.

Offred · 26/05/2017 15:23

You can't trust him again.

The only answer is to put yourself in a position where you are not reliant on trusting him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread