Bothered by a past revelation

[chomperomper]

DH and I are in relationship counselling.
Cutting a long story really short, but we began discussing about some small financial difficulties we were having a few years back. I was trying to balance our finances whilst DH appeared to resist my every effort, without really revealing why. I complained a lot and having just had a baby, was massively stressed out by DH'S obstructive manner.
Eventually, we saw a financial advisor (2 years down the line!) who basically agreed with everything I'd endeavoured to do to set things straight.
However, during a relationship counselling session, DH has admitted that his resistance at the time was due to the fact that he felt he deserved to have more disposable income than myself, as he worked more hours than I did and earned more money! (I was on mat leave at the time! And later reduced to part-time hours!)
He wasn't particularly apologetic and I got the sense that perhaps his views haven't entirely altered as he went on to say that all of his male friends have more money than their wives (as if he sees himself as hard done to for us having an equal share of disposable income!
Also, remembering how difficult I found it at the time and how obstructive DH was.when I tried to sort things out, I told DH that I was disgusted he had thought that he had deserved more money. Also, that he had been so resistant to all I did at the time, rather than communicate his truthful thoughts.
I then basically got a bit of a telling off from the counsellor about appreciating DH is telling the truth now and how I should choose not to feel disgusted. But, I can't help it, I just feel completely disgusted at his past narrow minded point of view that the husband should have more money than a wife who stays at home to look after children or works part-time, which in my opinion, still in part remains.
What are other people's thoughts about the division of finances and would any other women feel the same if their husband had said this?

I think the point is that you see finances differently, and THAT is what you need to get sorted - and that leads to what committment means to you both.

AND I do think you're vulnerable financially by not being married.

And about his mates... maybe you need to have a chat with their partners to find out what really goes on... that's even if his 'mates' actually said that/exist

He has never quite empathise with my need to change to part time. Perhaps his views on less disposable income is my punishment for this?

The financial consequences of decisions such as this need to be thoroughly discussed and agreed beforehand.

If you both agreed that you going parttime was in the best interests of the family and he promised to support you in this decision, then it would have been churlish of him to believe he should have more disposable income.

However, in this case, it sounds like he didn't agree to your going part time in the first place. Did he agree to financially support you in this decision? If you alone made this decision, maybe he feels you should bear the financial ramifications of this decision?

Guys I think the op meant that in her experience women over 50 give particular advice.

Still a sweeping generalisation and should have nothing to do with age.

Going part-time was agreed by DH prior to me doing so, bit I always got a niggling feeling that, although he was trying to do what he thought was right, he was biased that I should remain full time in order to provide better financially. The poster who has mentioned the bias thing, I can really empathise and I think DH really wants/tries to see us as equals, but there is a very deep-seated, ingrained belief probably picked up on as a child.

I must be a feminist. You can not read 'Wifework' and not see the huge imbalance in society!

True, but that has nothing whatsoever to do with age. Your generation did not invent Feminism, after all!

you are in a very vulnerable position reducing your earnings the way you have. If your relationship splits up, you will receive cm, your share of the house but no other acknowledgement that you reduced earning potential to rear your children.

you are particularly vulnerable because your partner has clearly stated that he does not think you should be able to access his money on an equal basis. When people tell you what they think and believe, you should listen.

I'm not sure how many women over 50 you polled on this topic but if you had polled me and my friends we'd have advised you against this relationship and against your current set-up.

Glad to hear of older generations of women who are more on board with equality than what I've experienced personally. Perhaps it's more to do with the beliefs of many women where I live.
DH is very adamant that he no longer holds this viewpoint after a big falling out yesterday, if this is the case, am I still being reasonable to feel so upset by a belief he held a couple of years ago when he argues that he no longer has this belief now? I just never had a clue that he ever thought that his money was 'his' and not 'family money.' It has come as a real shock that he EVER thought this in the first place.

Do you believe him? I don't.

He wasn't particularly apologetic and I got the sense that perhaps his views haven't entirely altered as he went on to say that all of his male friends have more money than their wives (as if he sees himself as hard done to for us having an equal share of disposable income!

For this reason.

Have you ever figured out how much you would be paying in childcare if you both worked full time?

I agree with your thoughts on the CBT model , it's not bollocks but it is overused and certainly is not the right approach for couples counselling. It's a 'treatment' model really, like you said.

I think you should raise your concerns with the counsellor and give her a chance to address them, they're just human and can make clumsy comments or misjudge things sometimes.

Well, there are mistakes due to being human, and there are fundamentally wrong counselling attitudes.
The counsellor telling you what you should choose not to feel is a JOKE!

I should also point out that I call him 'DH' but we're not actually married. We don't have a Will drawn up either so it appears looking after himself financially is his top priority over family.

Seriously this should be your first priority. You have no rights to the pension fund or savings he is building while you mind your children and you cannot retrospectively charge him for child minding. And you are already in counselling. Your financial position is not secure at all.