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Original poster

Bothered by a past revelation

63 replies

chomperomper · 24/05/2017 22:33

DH and I are in relationship counselling.
Cutting a long story really short, but we began discussing about some small financial difficulties we were having a few years back. I was trying to balance our finances whilst DH appeared to resist my every effort, without really revealing why. I complained a lot and having just had a baby, was massively stressed out by DH'S obstructive manner.
Eventually, we saw a financial advisor (2 years down the line!) who basically agreed with everything I'd endeavoured to do to set things straight.
However, during a relationship counselling session, DH has admitted that his resistance at the time was due to the fact that he felt he deserved to have more disposable income than myself, as he worked more hours than I did and earned more money! (I was on mat leave at the time! And later reduced to part-time hours!)
He wasn't particularly apologetic and I got the sense that perhaps his views haven't entirely altered as he went on to say that all of his male friends have more money than their wives (as if he sees himself as hard done to for us having an equal share of disposable income!
Also, remembering how difficult I found it at the time and how obstructive DH was.when I tried to sort things out, I told DH that I was disgusted he had thought that he had deserved more money. Also, that he had been so resistant to all I did at the time, rather than communicate his truthful thoughts.
I then basically got a bit of a telling off from the counsellor about appreciating DH is telling the truth now and how I should choose not to feel disgusted. But, I can't help it, I just feel completely disgusted at his past narrow minded point of view that the husband should have more money than a wife who stays at home to look after children or works part-time, which in my opinion, still in part remains.
What are other people's thoughts about the division of finances and would any other women feel the same if their husband had said this?

OP posts:

Original poster

chomperomper · 26/05/2017 11:15

Great Somerville! It's good to counter-balance the experience I've had personally.

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 26/05/2017 12:11

Well she was asking me to change my thoughts not my feelings. She held up the CBT model thoughts=behaviour=feelings. I always struggle with this model as it conflicts with the idea of accepting the way you feel as often promoted in counselling.

That model is such bollocks. Feelings are often not rational. And no, you don't change them by thinking differently. You change them by talking about the way you feel and why with someone (obviously not a CBT counsellor).

Which doesn't mean that you should allow your feeling to dictate what you do, of course. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel, but acting driven by certain feelings is idiotic and harmful.

TatianaLarina · 26/05/2017 12:28

Why the hell would you need a CBT model to change perfectly reasonable feelings?

CBT is to address inappropriate thoughts and feelings - depression and anxiety for example - not perfectly legitimate ones.

TatianaLarina · 26/05/2017 12:29

Mary Wollstonecraft would be 258 if she were alive. Doesn't mean all 18c women were feminists...

TatianaLarina · 26/05/2017 12:30

Your counsellor sounds bit thick tbh.

I'd look for one who isn't going to randomly uphold patriarchal nonsense and offer therapy to deal with it.

RandomMess · 26/05/2017 12:47

I'd be devastated and it would probably be relationship over tbh...

The therapist completely and utterly missed the point/ issue.

Original poster

chomperomper · 27/05/2017 20:14

I was just thinking about the CBT model again: thought=feeling=behaviour and it got me wondering how exact this could possibly be based on the way animals operate.
For example, a bee. It may instinctively go towards the flower, but does it really have the thought "I am going to go over to that flower right now"? It seems that instincts are completely lost here. If a baby cries for food, it instinctively knows it's hungry, it doesn't think "you know I'm really hungry right now"? The role of instincts are completely lost in the thought=feeling=behaviour model. Some days I feel quite low and will eat a chocolate bar. When I think about why I feel low, I often don't know why, many times a thought hasn't caused the feeling, it exists only as a feeling in itself, perhaps caused by hormones or tiredNess even. Any other thoughts on this CBT model? I have always struggled to understand it. Or perhaps the model is being over-used and is in fact only effective when dealing with OCD/anxiety type disorders? I don't see its relevance on a day to day basis, where often thoughts just aren't involved.
Animals act on feeling, as do babies, not thoughts.

OP posts:

VaccineWife · 27/05/2017 21:12

The fact you're not married puts a whole new perilous slant on this for you.

Have you ever had proper legal advice about your position? Are you on the deeds to your home for e.g.?

Original poster

chomperomper · 27/05/2017 21:20

I've explored a little but not really. I am on the deeds for the house.

OP posts:

AntiHop · 27/05/2017 21:25

You're right to be furious. I've always earned more money than dp. Our money is completely shared, even before we had dd. I absolutely do not think that I should be able to spend more because I earn more.

Whathaveilost · 27/05/2017 21:28

I must say though, please don't take offence women of 50+ but the older generation of women often appear quite flummoxed or even insensitive when I talk about the lack of equality between men and women in the home

Bullshit.

plantsitter · 27/05/2017 21:31

First off, get married, even if - especially if - you think this might end the relationship.

Second thing just try and couch what you say in counselling speak eg 'I've been really considering what we talked about last week and I think my emotional response was due to my real thoughts on this subject which are...' If the counsellor tells you off tell her you don't find a telling off useful and perhaps she could help you express what you're thinking? Then if she just says something which makes it clear she is on DH's side you can tell her to screw off (once you've got married).

TatianaLarina · 27/05/2017 21:37

It's not bullshit veil and unfortunately it's also true of under 50s too.

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 27/05/2017 21:47

I have a lower income than dh but have more disposable income because im the one who sorts out the dc clothes etc and arranges days out , holidays etc hes quite happy with this because he sees it as providing for his family , being selfish with money is a very ugly trait in my eyes , i totally agree with your stance op , i would get a new counsellor too

problembottom · 27/05/2017 23:59

I would be upset by this, especially given you were on mat leave. DP is a very high earner and he's always said he wants me to have the same disposable income as him. I know loads of couples who are the same. To me that's the normal way of doing it.

PoorYorick · 28/05/2017 07:11

You can judge him by the company he keeps. He doesn't see you as an equal in a family unit and apparently neither do his mates.

This is not acceptable. If you don't want to pool resources and have equal if differing roles, then you don't get married or have kids, ffs.

Cheap with money, cheap with love. Depending on circumstances, I really think that this - expecting your wife to have less money because she's sacrificing her earning power to care for your children - is worse than an affair and less forgivable.

AceholeRimmer · 28/05/2017 08:32

It would be the end for us... He doesn't value what you do. It's normal to have a family pot when you have children.. It's about being a team. The only case I would disagree with this is if one half if the couple was a gambler/chronic spender.

Hermonie2016 · 28/05/2017 09:22

I think his attitude is sadly not that uncommon.His belief is likely to be strongly held but often not expressed as he knows it's not generally acceptable.

My stbxh was very much like this but held a role where he had to be seen as gender/age unbiased.He even had unconscious bias training and still it didn't register.
It's a sense of entitlement, as a white middle class man as he had never had to struggle.
I don't know if he will change, I think counselling has highlighted his mygonist views and he needs those altered as it will be an underlying issue in your relationship.

I really don't feel 50+ women accept inequality.I was the first generation of women back to work after maternity leave (6 weeks!).I definitely championed women's equality and so did most of my friends.

kittybiscuits · 28/05/2017 09:30

Women over 50....FFS OP wise up.

CBT is not bollocks. Saying (if that's what she said) that you should change your thoughts about finances IS bollocks.

If you walk away he will say you are doing it because you didn't like what you heard. It doesn't make it true. Is your P always desperate to blame things on you? I think you need to consider whether his attitude to joint finances is a lone issue or whether it reflects his wider views. Basically, is he just being a dick about this one issue, or are you just realising that overall he is disrespectful, selfish and passive-aggressive. Individual counselling will be the best place to do this.

jojo2916 · 28/05/2017 10:17

You work pt while he works ft and was not happy about you only working pt but you did anyway if I read that correctly yabu

kittybiscuits · 28/05/2017 10:28

Why don't you bugger off back to AIBU? This is the relationship board and honestly that kind of goady fuckwittery is out of order.

thatdearoctopus · 28/05/2017 10:30

All that shit about over 50s IS complete and utter bollocks. I don't doubt that there are women of that (my) generation who feel that way, but there are just as many young women (like yourself, presumably) who have also sleep-walked into an unequal relationship and found themselves resentful.
The vast majority of my friends over 50 have complete and utter equality, balance and autonomy in our family's financial affairs. I'm depressed that your experience is different.

Guiltypleasures001 · 28/05/2017 10:40

Hi op

I'm hi smacked that you got a dressing down by the counsellor for not being so bloody impressed with his honesty, I mean WTF

So throw a bit of CBT at it and that's ok then, yeah if your giving up fags, meanwhile his behaviour at the time isn't explored, your feelings at just finding out are played down, and your made to feel unreasonable while he's venerated.

Your counsellor is wrong sorry, I question their training and ethics, your partner walks away with a sense of entitlement and you now feel you cannot bring up his behaviour, because you feel shut down by the therapist.

You are very much entitled to explore how you feel about his revelation, it should have been front and centre right there right then.

The therapist has possibly shown clear bias here, which contravenes all of their core values learnt in training, please find a different counsellor for yourself only. If you feel brave enough bring this up in your next session, or make a complaint to the BACP.

Guiltypleasures001 · 28/05/2017 10:45

Gob smacked

redexpat · 28/05/2017 12:14

Guys I think the op meant that in her experience women over 50 give particular advice. That could be true regardless of the fact that there are others who dont.

Im not surprised youre upset. It is as you say a double whammy. Do you think this may be a deal breaker? How was the counselling going up to this point?

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