OK, how do I compromise on this?

[PollyGasson24]

Have read a thread in which (male) OP has been advised to either leave, have an affair or see an escort because his wife only has sex every 5-6 weeks. The general consensus seems to be a compromise is not possible and the OP is getting gender biased double standards. Anyhow, got me thinking what compromise ppl could suggest for my situation, which is wearing me down atm.
DH often works away, I'm living as a lone parent while he socialises and looks at porn 'when lonely'. He knows I don't agree with that. Historically, he wanted more sex than me, when I was on the pill (no libido), had young children and was working. Bearing in mind I was by myself with two kids a lot of the time, so that also affected my desire - it was not my choice to work away and therefore abstain for months, feel a bit shit I now know he was out drinking and looking at other women during these times. Usually did about once a week when he was home, possibly once a fortnight when kids were up every night and I was knackered.
Found out a few things about his socialising and past behaviour about a year ago, asking him to stop looking at porn and arguing (I think) led to him getting ED, which is still evident to some extent. Honestly wouldn't be surprised if it was guilt induced, as I'm sure I don't know all his exploits.
Now, kids are older, I'm a sahm because I can't get a job to fit in with school. I've been interested in spicing things up and would be happy with 3-4 times a week. He's not interested in toys or things I would like to try, says he's only interested in sex once a week, but when we do, it's always the same, and boring. I'm losing any interest I had myself now, and am less and less inclined to bother at all, as he thinks anything apart from a quick shag is too much bother.
So, if I don't want to leave, where's the compromise? Any advice?

I'm talking about the person who said they are surprised you haven't had an affair actually. Didn't say that you suggested you have one. So it is double standards isn't it? Plus when that guy said he might leave he also got flamed for not trying harder,but you are being told to leave. Its acceptable to leave in both situations but I dont see why its ok for you but not for him. Both have tried to fix it, it hasn't worked for whatever reason.

Oh and yeah 50 shades of grey is crap, how anyone got past the first page astounds me, I couldn't stop laughing.

Plenty of pp suggest both leaving and staying on a thread like this. You'd have to look at individual posters and see if their views change depending on the gender of the OP, I think.

Can you try going back to simply being nice first? Tell him you love him. Hug him and give him a quick kiss without hoping for sex. Ask him about his day. Cuddle up and watch a film together. Buy him something 'because I thought you might like it'. Text him during the day. Get some no strings romance back.
I couldn't have sex with someone if they were so critical beforehand. Go back to being loving. Do you want to be loving to him though?

As the OP you are referring to, I can only sympathize with your situation. Good to know it is not just husbands who have that problem.

I have been nice, and I do buy him little treats if I'm out and about. I do all those things. As I mentioned in OP, the problem now is I am losing interest. I've put up with him blaming ED on me for reacting badly to shit he had done, been sympathetic, tried to spice things up etc. But it's on his terms every time, and he appears to have no interest past a quick vanilla shag when he's in the mood. I'm starting to resent this now, which has made my interest wane. I've been nice, but he just wants it his way.

Thx yorkie, good luck with your dilemma, whatever you decide to do. I'll keep reading your thread for advice

I can't believe how much criticism your DH is getting. There really is a huge double standard on MN towards men.

From his side, he spent years having perfunctory unsatisfying sex at a much lower frequency than he wanted because that's what you wanted. You say, well I had no libido, so fine. But it doesn't sound like you were interested in trying to spice up the relationship then. Now, you've suddenly decided that the sex is unsatisfying and you're practically out the door, oh I can't live like this! But it was fine for him to live like that? You are so unhappy about your boring sex life that you are basically considering leaving but you don't feel any empathy towards him for when he was in your shoes?

And his ED developed from you shouting at him. Wow.

Of course, you're desperately unhappy but are turning on him. Honestly, I'd say leave him. You don't like him. You don't respect him. Let him go to someone who does. It sounds to me like you've decided that honing in on the porn use is a good way to make sure that he's 100% to blame in all this and you are 100% innocent. This isn't about BOTH of you being sexually unhappy over your marriage and BOTH of you being frustrated about how your marriage has gone and BOTH of you feeling lots of resentment, it's about how he's the cause of all your relationship problems. You can point to the porn and the "socializing"? What does that mean? Was he cheating or having emotional affairs? No, in which case, he's allowed to "socialize" when he's away from home. Controlling much?

Despite the fact that it's killing you to have perfunctory crap sex once a week, he should have been thrilled with that and less and really it's all his fault for sporadically watching porn anyway when away from home. Rubbish. You sound very negative and controlling. That's probably why he's so closed off to you.

I would say your issue is with his use of porn.
Porn does lead to ED (death grip from constant masturbation) but is also linked iwth the fact that only very strong stimuli can now arouse him. No wonder he has issues with ED and isn't keen in sex.

The problem though is much much more hisnattutude towards you, aka making you responsible for his ED, saying it's your reactions to his very bad behaviours that is the issue etc...
In effect, he is deflecting all responsibility onto you.
Does I guess rigytnin sayingbthat you are the one who has put all the hard work to get to the good times lately??

user the OP has also put him with very little sex because he chose to work away from home......

The reality is that life happens and some things happen that go against having sex as often as you would like.
Sex isn't a need. It's a want (plenty of people of who are either single or don't see their partner often - e.g. In the army, will be able to testify to that). And sometimes thugs aren't working.

Plus when you know that the issue of little sex is the pill, and you really want more sex, you could propose to use a condom instead??

Actually BluePeppers, OP says:

Historically, he wanted more sex than me, when I was on the pill (no libido), had young children and was working.

And if "sex isn't a need", then why is the OP complaining?

She is playing both sides of the coin. When it's her sexual needs, it's a need. When it's his sexual needs, he should shut up and put up. She blames him for absolutely everything. It's his job, his choices, his kids. She doesn't want to use solo toys (why not!!!!), only with him. Everything is on him. Take some responsibility for your life!!

And the ED clearly isn't due to the porn because the ED started a year ago and according to OP, he's been using porn all this time!!

The porn (and "socializing???) is simply a red herring so that the OP can blame their lackluster disconnected sex life completely on her DH instead of a dynamic they both created, including all the years in which her DH initiated sex as the higher libido partner and she rejected him.

Was he cheating or having emotional affairs?
Actually user, this is exactly what was going on. And yes, I shouted at him when I found out things he hadn't admitted earlier. If you think this caused his ED, maybe you're right. But by that kind of definition, isn't it amazing I was having sex with him at all after being subjected to the cheating/ emotional stuff? He stopped looking at porn a year ago, the same time I was 'shouting at him' for everything else I found out, so your comment about porn not causing the ED is irrelevant. Plenty of ppl have low libido when taking the pill, it has been scientifically proven. At the same time I was doing all night feeds when dc were little, home stuff, and went back to work. He literally (when not working away) got up, went to work, came home to cooked dinner, helped put kids to bed, then on computer or whatever til bed. I'm not surprised he had more energy for it than I did at that point, are you? And he was away more often than not, leaving everything (small kid + heavily pregnant at one stage, went away when babies were 2 weeks and three weeks old, etc) to me. Incidentally, because he is in the forces, so I've also been regaled with tales of colleagues visiting prostitutes and strip clubs while away - what's your take on that, blue?
Haven't been on the pill for years, things were all fine on both sides from when kids started sleeping properly until a year ago. If they weren't, he didn't say anything. But then he was using porn all that time.
And not everyone wants to use a dildo, user.

And also, I haven't said I'm thinking of leaving, and I didn't reject sex when he had a higher libido. I think it was pretty obvious I wasn't looking for it when I flaked out as soon as my head hit the pillow. Once a week isn't rejection.

Oh, and it also wasn't 'sporadic' porn watching while away. It was often, sometimes every day - in his own words, it became normal.

Honestly OP you should have mentioned that he'd been cheating on you while working away in your first post, I think you would have gotten more accurate responses In light of that, it's maybe no wonder he can't be arsed making an effort anymore, as he's so used to meeting people while away and combining that with a potentially excessive porn usage. It doesn't sound like he has any respect for you at all and it's no way to live.

Drip drip drip.

I'm sorry but now you're stating that he openly cheated on you but you didn't mention it earlier at all even though you mentioned porn and you even discussed him NOT cheating because you stated that you couldn't trust that he hadn't cheated because of his friends. But now, a few posts later, you're saying that he cheated on you.

Okay.

I'm simply going to address your double standards. When it's your libido and you want 1x a week = fine. But when he wants 1x a week = bad.

Once a week isn't rejection. I agree but you are the one complaining about having it once a week. If once a week isn't rejection, then what is the issue? Oh, it's because when you are rejecting HIM, it's not rejection (even though it was once every two weeks when the kids were small and you openly stated that he wanted sex more). But once a week is rejection for YOU when he rejects YOU.

It seems like you think he should be trying to take whatever he can get whereas you should have sex exactly as much as YOU want. No more, no less. If he wants more, he's bad. If he wants less, he's bad.

Also, his lack of adventurousness is bad. He won't use a dildo on you = bad. He used to use porn = bad. But you won't even use a dildo on yourself = fine! He's supposed to be incorporating sex toys into your sex life but you are so squeamish about them that you won't even play with them yourself?

Can't you see that it's all double standards? Maybe he's a terrible husband but that has nothing to do with sexual consent. It seems like you see yourself as a complex sexual being and him as just a walking penis. He should want it whenever, whichever, however. And if he doesn't, you've got a right to be angry with him but you don't ever have to want it if you don't want to because... reasons.

When a man is working away he's either releasing himself into a laptop screen or another woman. Porn is a good sign

So, before the internet age, all men who were working away were "releasing themselves" into other women??

Tbh I don't think you have a sex issue. You have a relationship/husband issue there. Even wo the issue of him cheating, the fact he is blaming you automatically says a lot IMO of what he thinks of you.

Also you might be regaled with stories of prostitutes and strip clubs etc... but it's doesn't mean he had to follow nor does it mean it's ok. It nearly sounds like he was preparing things so that you wouldn't be surprised or annoyed when you finally heard that he did that too.

TBH, I think the worst / most worrying bit is: "and he shuts his eyes while I undress"

Now THAT is fucked up, IMO. Alright, I get that some women would feel self conscious and/or upset about being eyed up all the time when undressing, particularly if things were strained in the relationship. Nobody likes feeling like meat.

But he knows that isn't going to be the case here, and he's shutting his eyes? If you're already upset by lack of frequency and interest, then you could have the body of a supermodel (or the penis of a porn star) and still be made to feel inadequate and rejected by that sort of reaction.

I've no idea why you are being such a bitch, to try and prove a point, user. As to the double Amanda's, I never turned him down when he asked, as he doesn't to me now. The difference is that I wasnt staying up til late then saying I was too tired, and I have never told him after did that I hadn't actually been interested and only did it because he looked like he wanted it. As he did to me. Try and prove a point if you like, but I asked what a compromise would be, not for you to tell me how crap I am for feeling the way I do.

And again, he was the one who was looking at someone performing with a dildo. Bookmarking the page for later so obv interested. Yet when I get something in anticipating of play, he's not interested. Is that a double standard too, or is it only double standards when I think something?

It nearly sounds like he was preparing things so that you wouldn't be surprised or annoyed when you finally heard that he did that too
I did wonder

puddington only the one incident that I know about, so if he has been honest about it since, that shouldn't have had any bearing on what a compromise would be in this situation. Which is what I was asking for, thanks to the pp who actually came up with something! If we have worked through other problems I don't need them rehashing, I am trying to see how to go forward fairly with the issue at hand. Therefore it's not a drip feed, I wouldn't have needed to mention it if user hadn't got so (mistakenly) uppity

Do you really want to have sex with him? After everything you have said about him, I wouldn't. What's keeping you with him?