Looking for advice, broken :(

[user1495631929]

Hi, ladies!
I'm in a tricky situation and I'm looking for some girl/girl advice. My ex and I broke up a while ago and we have two children together. I never stopped loving him and even though we aren't together we have still been seeing each other (stupid of me I know) the silly things we do when we love someone so much! Anyway as it stands now, I'm currently pregnant with out third baby and although he's not happy about it he's supportive and he came to the scan last week. He's now started seeing someone else, 6 weeks ago this started and he's only just told her that I'm pregnant. She's 'hurt' but wants to stay put to 'see what happens' between them. I feel like the 3rd wheel now. I feel like the second we started getting closer someone came along and now it's just seems to me that he doesn't care for me at all. He's not in a relationship with this other girl. Just sleeping with her at the moment really. I'd love to be with him and just be a family but I feel it's never going to happen. I didn't expect him to get back with me just because I'm pregnant and nor would I want him to. I want him to be with me because he WANTS to not because he HAS to. I think my rant is over, this is a lot of information to read and that's not even half of it but any advice guys???

Sweetie, you're not in a relationship with him either, you're also just sleeping with him. I'm not sure what this dudes got going on, but he's got two women sleeping with him , both knowing about the other, and neither in a relationship with him.

I think you need to take a step back. Stop sleeping with him. Concentrate on co parenting. If he wants to be with you he will. If he doesn't, then you need to accept that and get on with your life.

I know about the other woman but she doesn't know about me

OP, like you said, you can't make him do or want anything so you need to focus on what are your boundaries? You need to figure and refirm those because it sounds you're getting really hurt in this arrangement because you have boundaries that are being ignored both by you and by him.

While not 'official', he has a relationship with you and the other woman even if those relationships are 'just sex'. Will you be good - not just fine or anything - with that being it and never being what you're hoping for? Really from what I'm reading, I agree with the others that think you need to draw a line in the sand, focus on just co-parenting-nice with him, and find connection with other people and yourself to fill whatever need he is filling.

You really do not need to be someone's secret shag -- though I'm confused about how she knows you were tagging him on facebook and pregnant with his kid but not that you're still sleeping together. I guess, lots of people have different arrangements and I am and know others in polyamorous arrangements, but what you've got is an unhealthy thing where he is lying to her about you and/or lying to you about her and you seem to be going along with it only because you're hoping it will change and that it has at times the appearance of happy family that you crave. I would not put up with that, but only you can decide what your boundaries are.

It get worse you sound like your happy with this step up. DC will notice this isn't normal believe me. You are ineffect the OW and seem proud of the fact. Why would you be so careless to get pregnant again when you weren't together and you knew he didn't want to be comitted to you? Your world will come crashing down the moment he decides he's found someone better op.

I feel like my world has already come crashing down. I'm struggling with acceptance, I'm not a very strong willed person as you can probably guess. I don't think any woman deserves to go to sleep at night wondering why they're just not good enough. I had a family and i feels it's been ripped apart so yes I admit I'm holding on to whatever I can that's left. I'm just finding it so so hard to let go. It's easier said than done 😔

Did you actually want another baby with him?

I did, but not so soon. I wanted us to be together and actually try for one because yes I feel like we were going to end up together. I feel like I've been given false hope because when this baby was conceived and when I found out I was pregnant he wasn't seeing anyone else. Just me.

A really sad post, I'm presuming you're quite young OP, take it on good advice, you'll be a very different woman in your forties and you'll look back at all the time you wasted crying and having babies to a man who doesn't give a toss about you and realise what a fool you were.

You have many years of heartbreak and drama ahead, if you think he'll eventually grow up and settle down with you and your children. Your children will grow up with little respect for him and see him as a player, if you have a son, he'll probably see this as normal behaviour and he'll treat his wife similarly. If you have a daughter, she'll have low expectations of men.

He probably will settle down one day, but it won't be with you, I'm sorry to say.Im visualising the 55 year old Dad with a young wife and family who he treats like royalty because he cocked up so much the first time around.

I may of read it all wrong and he'll tow the line and all will be well but that's not usually how it works.

Is he aware you're still in love with him?

If so, imagine the kind of man who can know the mother of his children is still in love with him, sleep with her, then go and sleep with someone else. He's playing with your head and your heart and that's desperately unfair. You do need to leave, but it will probably take the other woman getting pregnant or them getting engaged for you to do so because you seem so attached. And you need to accept that's the reality, he'll more than likely commit to someone else. If he wanted you, he'd have you, and no way would he run the risk of you meeting someone else.

I've been there, I know how tough it is to let go of someone you love, but for your own sanity try and figure out ways to distance yourself (start by not staying when you drop off your dc!) and breaking away from him. If he loves you, he'll see his mistake, if he doesn't, you're saving yourself years of extra heartbreak.

A friend of mine is in a similar situation to you (and has been for years). They have 5 children together (eldest 14 and youngest 2) and he has several children with other women conceived around the same time with each of her pregnancies. Despite him being engaged or in a relationship with someone else- she still sleeps with him in the hope he sees the 'light' and settles down to being a family with her and their DC.
It is never going to happen for her, it is so sad to see her live her life like this.
My advice to you OP, if you were my friend, he will never love you like you want him to. He could be the best father but will be the worst partner. He is happy enough to cause you pain but then climb back into your bed when he feels likes it (if this is still happening in your situation). Learn to co parent and raise happy children doing so, but don't let him take any bit of your heart or your head anymore. You are worth more than that

Thank you so much for the advice from everyone on here. I just hope that one day I can look back on this time and shrug it off because I'll be happy. It's hard when everything you ever want is just gone. We were engaged and we had a house together and children. I know there are couples who were married and divorced and heartbroken and are in worse situations but heartbreak comes in so many shapes and forms. I appreciate people taking the time to write back to me, especially the people who were a bit more sensitive.

if he makes you so happy why did you split ??

you sound very dependent on him for everything and sound prepared to do/say/ignore anything to keep him

You are good enough! You are certainly far too good for this shag about loser.

Not your fault he turned out to be a cheat. But now you know, waste no more time. He has no reason to change anything but you certainly do.

Other than him, what support network & sensitive people do you have in your life? As others' have said, you seem really dependant on him for your happiness and such. The best thing I can recommend now other than figuring out your boundaries is focusing your effort and lovely positivity which you seem to have a lot of to me on the other people around you and less on someone who doesn't deserve it. Maybe look into parent groups/meetup/events near you that can get you some space and new habits to break the ones you've built with him which some find helps soothe the heartbreak and others' can help you when your will is shaking on the lines you want to draw with him.

To be honest I don't have a lot of friends. I don't get out much. I'm just a full time mum who doesn't have a social life outside of parenthood, but my children come before me. My mum and I clash a lot and I don't feel like I can open up to her. That's why I came on mumsnet because I can just get everything out in the open then.

OP, try to detach. I know it hurts and it's hard, but having babies by this man won't keep him. One day he will find a girlfriend in..I dunno, Scotland (assuming you live in the south), and he will be gone without a second glance. And he probably won't pay either. You need to be self-sufficient. Not just in money, but emotionally. Don't live your life around him when he can leave at any second - you'll be twice as broken then.

Believe me, even guys who seem
like devoted fathers can up sticks and run at the sniff of something better. Don't think yours is any different.

I'm sure his new girlfriend is questioning whether it's a good idea, on some level.

He'll, she might even ask on an internet chat forum

His new girlfriend appears to have magically appeared on another thread op, what a weird coincidence.

Noticed that too! What a coincidence

That's what I thought!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2938748-new-love-interest-expecting-a-baby-with-his-ex

Please OP stop throwing your life away on this user loser. Pull up your big girl pants and start making a life for yourself and your DC that doesn't depend on or revolve around this man who clearly doesn't love you like you do him. You only get one life. Live it like you deserve better, because you do.