Do relationships survive when one has had an affair?

[Anonnnnn]

In january i posted here about a text i read on dp's phone (never normally look but something took over me that day when it beeped right next to me) We have a ten year long relationship, 2 children and used to have complete trust in each other leading both individual and joint social lifes.
The message from a girl said something like "Hi X yes i was pissed off but have forgiven u now, i think we should stop seeing each other as u obviously don't have time for me as well as your family. See you at work."
I confronted dp, he fobbed me off with, oh we just got on well and had lunch together, she wanted more and i said no. Everything inside me screamed he was lying, i begged him to tell me the truth so i'd at least not feel a mug. Until this month he insisted nothing happened.
During their "friendship" i was pregnant with our second child, and he stayed out many times telling me he was staying at his best friends house ( who lives a fair journey away so seemed reasonable to me).
I questioned and questioned him the other night until he cracked and confessed all (at least i think thats all!).
Yes he and this girl got on well, they had lunch together, she asked him to stay at hers, he said no, then changed his mind and he says he stayed their twice. Only having sex the second time. He said he knew then it was wrong and didn't want anymore, so stopped contacting her. Shortly after our baby was born and he was on parental leave and then longterm sick leave so didn't see her. He text her to tell her the baby was born and apparently said sorry for not being in touch and that he didn't want to carry their fling on. The text i read in Jan was apparently her first response since then.

Sorry i hope someone is still following this! Basically i have issues - deep down i still love him, i know he loves me and feels bad and i do trust its over and she is no longer working at his place she was a temp. But i feel sick when i think about him having sex with her and actually planning the staying there etc, And i doubt that it was only two nights as i said earlier he stayed out a lot during that period.
He was down at the time, and at the beginning of that year i asked him to leave because i couldn't support him in the way he needed. so basically i believe him that he got his support from this girl. Things have been great between us ever since and i don't want to lose that. But is it possible to rebuild the trust and to forgive the hurt and anger caused? i want to, but at present it seems impossible.

Thank you, i really need advice as don't want to tell anyone in rl about it.

Sorry meant to add, the text to me reads as though she was doing the breaking off and not him and if thats the case, i think the situation is far more serious.

And i feel like the birth of our second child is totally tainted by "daddy off shagging others" and makes me feel so sad.

He 'says' he used a condom, but i say regardless he needs to get checked before i even entertain the idea of a sex life despite the fact we have been having sex until now.

bump

yes, i think it's possible to trust again, if you work at it still love each other.

if thoughts of what he did are eating you up, perhaps some counselling on your own would help- you can say exactly how you feel without worrying about what he'll think or say.

and i don't think it's unreasonable to ask for STD tests either- even with protection, nothing is 100%

thank u i do feel like i need to talk it through with someome else

I have to rush off now but I will come back to this later and see how you are. I definitely think the relationship can survive if it's what you both want. It may be hard work for a while and he has got a hell of a lot of making up to do in order to rebuild the trust - but you can do it!

Have you read ernest's thread this week about her situation? Lots of good advice on there that may help you.

Take care xx

if you work at anything you can make it better i'm sure.

however in your situation i wouldnt want to.

What a horrendous thing to find out, I'm so sorry. Big hugs to you.

I think that most relationship problems can be overcome if both sides want to. I think it depends on his attitude also, how does he feel about what he did? Can you talk openly about it? Do you feel as if he is still hiding things from you?

I think that the only way to come through a betrayal like this, is if he is truly understanding of the hurt/anger/pain he has put you through. Only you will know this and wether what you have now is worth saving.

Good luck.

I,ve been in this situation, and I really want to be able to trush him again, but everytime he goes out I get into a right state. I think it's all the lying that gets to me the most. How do you learn to trust someone again??

Thanks everyone. mylittlestar has this happened to you? Thx i shall go find ernests thread.

Custardo - what specific thing about my situation would make you not want to?

scrapper - he is completely gutted to have put me through this, we are very very open and talk a lot. I've made him sit down most evenings since answering my every question and telling him how i feel. Strangely we almost seem closer than ever before because we have dragged our whole lives into these discussions analysing absolutely everything and have now got closure on a couple of incidents from the past (not affairs).

I am fairly convinced that he is not hiding things from me, but at the same time i am super paranoid as he let a couple of months go by without letting out the truth about the affair - so i have doubts about the number of nights he stayed there but no matter how much i question him he insists it was just the two. He knows i need to know every truth before i can start to deal with this (i've got every other sordid detail out of him about the bedroom antics etc) so i'm fairly sure it was just two nights, but i do keep doubting.

rosie thats exactly what i'm afraid of. I have never been a paranoid or jealous person but i'm afraid i'm going to be suspicious forever now. I guess only time will tell!

I do feel our relationship is worth working on, i just can't help feeling like a mug and very bitter about it.

i would love to ring the girl and shout at her to let off some of my anger but theres not much point and i deleted the number from dp's phone so he doesn't know it himself anyway!

If he is truly sorry (and he sounds as if he is) he may well be shielding you from the full truth about what really happened because
a) he knows how hurt and upset you will be by hearing it and he feels you've been hurt enough already and
b) you will go ape and be really angry and walk out, and he wants to save your relationship.

He won't understand that you really want the truth - he may believe he is protecting you. He may not be right but he may actually have your interests at heart. And are you sure that you do really want to know more? how different would it be if he had slept with her 4 times instead of 2? You already know the big truth - he had an affair, but he regrets it and it's over and he wants to stop it happening again.

If you want to salvage the relationship get some counselling. You need to work through some reactions and stages. I wish you the very best

Good advice from budgie. I think you can get over it if you both really want to. Try to forget about wanting to know every little detail of what happened (understandable!) and work on moving forward instead.

Best of luck with it.

thank you everyone.

I know i want to make this work, and just hearing some of your positive views makes me feel less of a mug for wanting to make it work.

Budgie, totally understand - just can't help driving me mad wondering!! But really we do just have to move on and close that episode.

Dp is being really considerate, letting me rant at him when i want, and listening which i think is what i need. I just keep telling him what an idiot he is . he agrees with me.

on a personal note and in answer to your question i personally would have more self respect than to feel 2nd to another woman. personally i coulnd forgive this - and i have forgiven lots.

Thanks for answering custardo. that is your general opinion of affairs then, rather than something specific to my situation.

In the past i would have given them same response to a friend in same situation custardo. But has this ever happened to you?
Immediate thoughts are as you say, not wanting to be 2nd to another woman.

As it sinks in you realise, 10 years of life shared together with two children doesn't really compare to a couple of nights of stupidity.

i relaise everyone is different and you can make your marriage work and i wish you the very best i truly do.

however i am allowed my opinion, and i gave it based on my personal circumstance, which i may add has recently been tested to the fullest. so i do not say these things lightly. i am not judging you rather speaking personally.

custardo, i was afraid you would take my comments to be argumentative. I honestly didn't mean it that way.

i appreciated your honesty and thats why i asked for it. In my fragile state at the moment i felt i had to defend my decisions also.

No upset meant i promise and i'm sorry that you've had a hard time too.

Yes, relationships can and do survive after one party has had sex outside the relationship. There are, after all, far worse things a partner can do.

hugs and kisses all round - i didn't mean to sound rubbish eiher.

madamez - that s a piss poor reason.

my nan once said i married a good man becuse " he didn't hit me" like YEAH woohoo ishould be so greatful!

so i dont think measuring it against possibles of doom is a good way to go about it.

much luck xxx

Can they in general?

I'm sure some can.

Can any of mine?

No.

It's not the cheating but the fact that he lied which would hurt me. Personally I would kick his lying arse out and leave it up to him to convince me over several months that I should give him another go.

Sorry, I know you want this to work out but you have to make him realise he has really fu**ed up.

I've been in a similar position, however I left it as suspicions at the time. I think men cheat for 2 reasons (its not exclusive and could be both). That is a) because they can and b) they are unhappy and don't have the sense to deal with what is making them unhappy and try to make things better before seeking solace elsewhere. They also have egos which are flattered far too easily.

I think that if you are both prepared to give it a go, and that HE is prepared to mend the damage, then yes, if thats what you want to do.

There is a lot at stake here, you can set your mind to forgiving and building up that trust again. you can go to Relate. He can let you scream and shout at him when you feel insecure. He can treat you like a queen.

I hope that it all works for you. Take control and do what you really want to do. Sometimes its just easier to stay and try to fix it, isn't it? Good luck x

Anonnnnn sorry for the delay. I posted as I too was having some relationship problems and hoped to be some support for you. Yesterday I beleived all my problems were solveable - today I find myself in a very similar situation to you, but the betrayal in our specific circumstances is killing me.

I may start a thread now and see if anyone's around to help but I don't know if I have the strength. To be honest I feel completely numb and unsure of what the hell to do. Other than sit here and hope to help others so that i don't have to face what I found out today!

I wish you all the best. And if you both want things to work, you feel that you can forgive him, and HE does everything he can to put things right, then you have a great chance.

hi anonnnnn. my ex had an affair for 2 months when i was 7 months pregnant it finished just before ds was born and i forgave him and took him back as i didn't know what else i could do after just having a baby.

But deep down i couldn't get past it. and then a year later he had another affair and he left me for her. It was a relief he left me for her because i didn't want to be with him anymore i couldn't trust him and it was eating my up inside when he went out and i didn't know where he was. It was really making me ill. I don't think i would of had the guts to leave him.

People can forgive and put it behind them and work on their future but i don't think you can ever forget.

Sorry that its a negative point of view xx

No time to read whole thread atm but just wanted to say my dh had an affair about ten years ago. It hurt very badly but we got through it and came out stronger and went on to have four kids.

It depends if you both want to be with each other and what it will take to rebuild trust.

I think that you can move on from an affair, but it is very difficult. Not just for you - I think that it is also very difficult for the (truely remorseful) cheating partner, because sometimes it is very out of character, and they find it difficult to "find themselves" afterwards. I am sure that it's one of the reasons my ex feels the need to emigrate, even though he says he loves me. But then I never managed to drag him to a councellor, so who knows really what's going on in his head. My recomendation - take it slowly, talk as much as possible, and get some councelling, either for you, the two of you together, or the two of you side by side. Good luck!