Do relationships survive when one has had an affair?

[Anonnnnn]

In january i posted here about a text i read on dp's phone (never normally look but something took over me that day when it beeped right next to me) We have a ten year long relationship, 2 children and used to have complete trust in each other leading both individual and joint social lifes.
The message from a girl said something like "Hi X yes i was pissed off but have forgiven u now, i think we should stop seeing each other as u obviously don't have time for me as well as your family. See you at work."
I confronted dp, he fobbed me off with, oh we just got on well and had lunch together, she wanted more and i said no. Everything inside me screamed he was lying, i begged him to tell me the truth so i'd at least not feel a mug. Until this month he insisted nothing happened.
During their "friendship" i was pregnant with our second child, and he stayed out many times telling me he was staying at his best friends house ( who lives a fair journey away so seemed reasonable to me).
I questioned and questioned him the other night until he cracked and confessed all (at least i think thats all!).
Yes he and this girl got on well, they had lunch together, she asked him to stay at hers, he said no, then changed his mind and he says he stayed their twice. Only having sex the second time. He said he knew then it was wrong and didn't want anymore, so stopped contacting her. Shortly after our baby was born and he was on parental leave and then longterm sick leave so didn't see her. He text her to tell her the baby was born and apparently said sorry for not being in touch and that he didn't want to carry their fling on. The text i read in Jan was apparently her first response since then.

Sorry i hope someone is still following this! Basically i have issues - deep down i still love him, i know he loves me and feels bad and i do trust its over and she is no longer working at his place she was a temp. But i feel sick when i think about him having sex with her and actually planning the staying there etc, And i doubt that it was only two nights as i said earlier he stayed out a lot during that period.
He was down at the time, and at the beginning of that year i asked him to leave because i couldn't support him in the way he needed. so basically i believe him that he got his support from this girl. Things have been great between us ever since and i don't want to lose that. But is it possible to rebuild the trust and to forgive the hurt and anger caused? i want to, but at present it seems impossible.

Thank you, i really need advice as don't want to tell anyone in rl about it.

Oh, and I agree, it's not something you forget. But it can be something you come to terms with and find no longer poisons your life.

My mum kicked my dad out after his affairs and she openly admits now she wished she could have worked at it and stayed with him.

Thanks for all your views. It really is very.

mylittlestar, i'm sorry to hear that you are having a hard time too.

Generally i'm feeling positive about me and dp, already i can look at him the same way i always have without thinking of bitch (the name i have affectionately called her). I truly believe he wasn't looking to have an affair, and as he says got swept up with the moment, at a time when things weren't going so well at home, and this makes me believe he is not likely to do it again, as someone here said, it is out of character for him and i think he feels bad enough to last a lifetime. He knows there would be nochance of us surviving another affair.

Tinkerbell,if it weren't for the children, i would consider your suggestion, but its notfair on them to have Daddy leave home unless its final iycwim.

My biggest concern now is how oursex life will survive this now! I'm refusing untilhe gets checked for STI's, but i'm not sure how i can have sex with him now without thinking of him with someone else.
Oh he's such an idiot!!

really very helpful i meant to add there!

Annnnnoooon what helped me was having the chance to give the other woman an almighty slap across the face during a chance meeting at a railway station. My hand hurt but in a very good way.

I was in a relationship and the affair that my dp had was the end for us.We stayed together for a further 2 years but I had lost respect for him amd the trust was not there.

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IMO, you need the FULL truth from him before you can start to move on, with or without him. In the beginning, he lied that nothing had happened because he thought he could. Then when he realised that that wasn't working, he told you "the truth" or his version of it. You still know that there was more to it than that but he feels as if he has told you as little as he needs to.

I'm not sure if it would be something that I could forgive.

How apologetic has he been?

Hi Anonnnnn
My Dh had an affair nearly two years ago now. We are surviving and working through it everyday.
I know you can make it hun. You do speak as though you really love him and why should you loose a husband, lover and best friend.Why should your children loose their daddy. This was a foolish mistake and he is deeply sorry.
This was so out of character for my DH. He is not a womaniser.He is a decent man. Being naieve is his crime.
He admits that when he had the affair he was wraped up in his own little world and the children and I weren't a part of it. He was feeling very down and choose not to speak to me about it , becauuse he didn't know how.the woman lived next door and was married too and had her own issues.Her husband is ill with cancer, she didn't have the money we had and was extremly jealous of us.So things just happened , she made a play for him and he was flattered that she was paying him this attention. In her eyes he was himself not father, husband grass cutter ( you get the picture).He had only ever had one sexual partner other than me and was not used to women coming on to him.It was something new to him and it took over his head.He said he always loved me , but not enough. He didn't respect me.

After the affair went to relate. Something inside him woke up. This experience has had a big impact on both our lifes. He nolonger takes me for granted.He will never forget that he nearly lost us all. He treats me so differently and now I know he truly loves me.He puts me first and protects me.We are so strong and I belive we are going to spend the rest of our lifes together.If I am honest I don't think I can say that before the affair I was happy. He was emotionally swithched off to me. Like I was a mum and he was a little boy. Our realationship is more equal now.

Although this has had a positive inpact on my life it is still the most painful thing I have ever been through. I still think about it everyday.It dosen't consume my every thought anymore though.When my period is due is a time when I get quite tearful.I never regret the choice I made to make it work between us.

As for the sex.It can still make me feel sick thinking about the two of them together. I too sent him for tests.We had still been having sex between 3-5 times aweek when he was having the affair so I didn't wait until after the tests. I figured if I am going to catch something I already have. I didn't make a big thing of it the first time we had sex afterward. It hurt like hell though emotionally.The only thing I can compare it to is like when I passed my driving test. I passed and I knew if I left it a week before driving a car on my own I would worry about it, so I just got in bit the bullet and went. Hope that makes sense.

I have rambled on haven't I. Good luck and come on here for as much support as you can( it save my sanity at the time).

Lazyline I totally agree about needing the FULL truth. This was paramount for me.

You're right, Spider. How can you start to trust again if there are still lies?

Anonnn
yes it is possible to move on but it's not an easy road to take.
Long story short my dh had an affair with a work colleague 3 years ago- never ever done anything like it before- didn't go looking for it- no excuse (just helps explain) bad work time/ redundancy mid- life crisis- you get the picture)
I don't forgive him- never will- some things in life are unforgivable BUTI do not regret the decision I made to try and work through it and move on.
I think you have to weigh up what you have had together and his time of "madness" and decide if it's worth fighting for. We are all human, we all make stupid mistakes and I know from experience now how an affair is a fantasy world that is escapism- not always from the relatinship your in- can be escapism from other things going on in your life.
If he is truely sorry and if you want to make a go fo it then don't throw it all away for his one HUGE mistake. we are closer now than ever before. But he has to be totally honest with you ( none of this I can't tell you because it will hurt you) no more secrets it's the only way forward.
Perhaps- like my dh he needs to get counselling for imself to get his head sorted- he probably doesn't really understand how he got to wher he got- no sympathy just the facts and I suggest you go see someone- I did - the emtional rollercoaster you are on is soooooooo huge you need help to slow it down and not to let it consume you.
The sex thing will get ther- when you are sure he's clean take it slowly (I still have ays when we can be in full swing and for no reason images jump into my head and that's it- daed!) Now I know to tell him- to make him share my pain, gradually you learn again to trust your intamacy it's you and him not anyone else.
My dh says now how he cannot belive how he nearly gave up so much for so little! At the time he thought he loved her and wanted a life with her - it consumed him and took over his reason- now he sees it clearly and says he was abloody fool lead by his ego and a ceratin other part of his anatomy and she was needy and he needed to be needed at the time!
take care honey - each day at a time- honest open talking, time for each other and no mre secrets- you can move on!

Yes i truly feel you can come out of this stronger if it's what you both want. It's easy to say i couldn't until it happens to you esp when theres kids involved.

maturer, spidermama and overdraft, thank you so much its great to read your positive stories.

the reason i will stick at it, is even though its early days for us, i agree as you say, it strangely seems to have brought us closer. DP is extremely apologetic and maturer sums it up perfectly " At the time he thought he loved her and wanted a life with her - it consumed him and took over his reason- now he sees it clearly and says he was abloody fool lead by his ego and a ceratin other part of his anatomy and she was needy and he needed to be needed at the time" I agree its no excuse but is a fact.

Something else i havn't mentioned for not wanting to be recognisable so won't go too detailed with this, but basically back when we first met, dp was in accident which changed his appearance and lost him all his confidence and in a way changed his personality becoming very insecure about himself. At his lowest i used to wish he would go out and get chatted up by women as he felt his appearance was now shocking and vulgar to others. This was not true and had escalated in his own mind. Our relationship has struggled through some very low times because of this and i used to feel that if he had a few flings he would get his confidence in himself back! (sounds silly to write this down now, but i was serious). And i believe this is partly why he got sucked into the affair.

I am going to show dp this thread in the hope that it will help him decide to tell me anymore truths that i need to know.

Thank those of you sharing your stories for your complete honestly and openess, you make me feel far less of a mug and give me hope!

Spidermama, i'm incredibly jealous of you getting to slap the women .

I know its not very grown up of me, but i'm convinced it'd help me move on if i was given the chance to ring her up and rant - ensuring i also let her know how wonderful our relationship and cosy family life is despite her involvement and that she should now go jump off a very high bridge.

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Hi Anonnnn,
It is amazing in such a situation you realise just how strong you are.
I always thought of my dh as the rock in our relationship and me a bit flaky BUT how I coped through everything he threw at me in that awful time has shown me I am strong- YOu have already shown that too.
I had an unshakable instinct that my dh did not really want what he was saying at the time- we'd never had any great problems before this so I thought this is our "test" I can't just walk away now when the going has got tough- although he desreved that! I stuck with it and gave him some time to proove himself again.
You may find your dh takes time to be completely honest with you- my dh now says he was afraid to tell me all the truth as he thought I would kick him out and he'd lose me and the 3 kids. He has since gradually told me all- some things I don't want to know (i didn't want details of their sex life- I din't need them- I knew how my dh makes love after 20 years he's not going to suddenly develop a different repitoire! )I know what he did with her but I also know he has had some of the best sex of his life with me and she was just a different person.
True fantastic mind blowing sex comes from a deep intamacy and you don't get that overnight- he'll have realised that by now!
You will have days of dispair (i still do after 3 years) but slowly as long as you keep talking and he makes every effort to reassure you- tells you where he is, changes of plans, lets you see his phone etc - for a whille at least- you will get the trust back.
Please make time for each other, go on dates talk and talk more!
I remeber that feeling of feeling a mug- but truely he is the only mug- all you did was trust and give him the space to make choices HE abused that trust and made the wrong choices- no matter what has lead him to an affair he did in the end choose it and could always have come to you to talk out any problems. He is an adult responsible for his own actions in life and has now to face the consiquences of them. Please try not to blame yourself - you will, you will try to piece together the pieces of the jigsaw and see where you fitted in. But remember you are stronger than him and you have done nothing wrong.
You do not have to forgive him for this- you do, to get peace of mind, have to make some sense of it and find away to make peace in your own mind over why he did it as does he for that matter.

here's something I talked about in counselling which gave ne some solace- thinking along the sex lines and the fact he's been unfaithful to you-while my dh was having his affair I didn't notice - were still having regular great sex-she once flung at me that he couldn't be happy with me because he'd been unfaithful to me- it hurt at the time.
I thought about it and concluded- yes he'd been unfaithfull to me after 20 years of a faithful relationship BUT in the few months he was with her he was the most miserable he's ever been inlife and he was NEVER faithful to her!!! Think about it- it helped me.
Take care.

Maturer, thank you so much for taking the time to share all of this, it really does help see light at the end of the tunnel.

I am generally fine about it, just hits me every now and then and i have a down half hour thinking about it, but the rest of life remains normal with both of us working extra hard on our relationship.

I know what he didn't like about me when he had the affair, so it makes sense what your counsellor said. He and i have dealt with that already and both know things are different now.