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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Abusive Ex Getting Married

36 replies

gentlydoesit89 · 22/05/2017 13:11

My ex used to beat me up. It's as simple as that, and that's why in the end I left. He'd already cancelled our wedding a month before the day and cheated on me multiple times so it's really no great loss.

I'm happily in a relationship with someone else and we are very happy and looking forward to the future. Just to hit home that my confusion here is about myself and not me pining for my ex or being jealous at all.

He and his new partner are getting married. She knows all that happened between us so knows what he has the potential to do to a woman living with him, but has said that won't ever happen to her because she isn't a woman like me. Now I can't help but wonder why I was only ever good enough to be a punch bag. What kind of woman am I? I don't like the insinuation I brought it on myself and I feel quite low about it to be honest, that I didn't meet some criteria or that there was something wrong with me and that's why it happened. It's all very strange, and I'm scared of opening old wounds that took years to heal.
Don't really know why I'm posting other than to get it off my chest really.. thanks for reading.

OP posts:

HumpHumpWhale · 22/05/2017 13:15

She is crazy and in denial. You are not remotely to blame - he is. And he'll do it to her too, sooner or later. Poor woman, even if she is a victim-blaming moron.

EmotinallyRetired · 22/05/2017 13:15

Everyone says it won't ever happen to them... until it does. She knows what she's getting into and I would bet my life on it that he'll end up being violent to her.
It was never anything you did, you have to know that. The logical part of you must know that.
You are so much better off than him.

XxStefxX · 22/05/2017 13:15

No no no, this girl is living in a dream land and will end up like you did. She is just wishful thinking. Im sure it took a while for your ex to show his true colours and if this new girl knows what he is capable of then he may try to be on his best behaviour for a little longer but he will show his true colours to her. I promise.
My ex used to beat me up, he married a woman who he said he didn't hit because they were " soul mates"., 2 years later she bit his ear off after he gave her a black eye.

RebornSlippy · 22/05/2017 13:16

There is no such thing as women like you, OP. There is most certainly men like him though; abusers. Give him no more brain space. His new woman, however, she is to be pitied. I really hope she has some support for when it all goes tits up.

PollytheDolly · 22/05/2017 13:19

I bet he's already done it to her.

Teatowelfairy · 22/05/2017 13:22

What Hump said.

It doesn't matter how different she is from you, the fault lies with him and him alone.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, you are not to blame. He's an abusive cunt. And highly likely to become abusive towards her, if he's not already that is.

donners312 · 22/05/2017 13:36

She's deluded!

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 22/05/2017 13:40

Ah bless her - she thinks she will be the one to change him.

Send her a sympathy card. .

Then sit back and leave them to it.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/05/2017 13:45

because she isn't a woman like me
She IS a woman though!
So he will hit her.
Might not be now or next year.
But when she's pregnant or a new mum he won't be able to help himself.
If he can hit one woman he can and will hit any he is with.

You should feel sorry for the delusional cow.
Enjoy your new life and try not to dwell on this.
Well done getting away from him.

isitjustme2017 · 22/05/2017 13:48

I couldn't ever be with a man who used to beat up women so what kind of woman does that make her?
And to say, she's not like you well perhaps she just means that if he raises his hand to her she would be off straight away but, that does not excuse him doing it in the first place.
They sound like they deserve each other to be honest and please don't give it another thought.
There was NOTHING wrong with you at all and please don't think that. The guy has serious issues and its nothing to do with you.
Be happy with your new partner.

fuzzywuzzy · 22/05/2017 13:51

Ah ex's wife is like that. Apparently ex beating the crap out of me was fifty percent my fault (she wrote in to court to say so!).

I imagine at some point she's going to be fifty percent responsible for much the same.

I don't give much thought to them these days. Not my problem anymore.

DearMrDilkington · 22/05/2017 13:53

He'll hurt her sooner or later and go on to hurt many other woman unfortunately. Abusers don't change.

2 years later she bit his ear off after he gave her a black eye.

Jesus, his whole ear? I hope she threw it in the bin afterwards so it couldn't be reattached

XxStefxX · 22/05/2017 14:06

@ Dear, He had it sewn back on :-( but I bumped into them in Tesco (small village) and she had a black eye and he was nursing a sore ear (stitches very visible) plus his 22 year old son (who I brought up) told me what happened the day before.

It was very satisfying, I smirked at him, gave her a look of pity and flounced off in a fab mood.

OP you really should be more happy that your out of that awful relationship.

Plumkettle · 22/05/2017 14:42

Don't waste another thought in this pathetic man OP.

Huskylover1 · 22/05/2017 15:08

Ha ha ha ha ha. She's an idiot.

I bet he'll do worse to her actually, because once they are married he will think hat he has her where he wants her. Heaven forbid if they have kids, and she's too sore/tired for sex. Shit is really going to hit the fan then.

You are well rid.

He'll be smacking her about wedding sponge is dry. if he hasn't already

Huskylover1 · 22/05/2017 15:09

before the wedding sponge is dry

HirplesWithHaggis · 22/05/2017 15:15

He may simply have changed his MO. My friend's ex beat his first wife, he "only" psychologically, emotionally and financially abused her. Boasted about how he'd never lay a finger on a woman, she only found out the truth after he left her...

Your ex will abuse his new wife too. As pp said, he may be waiting til they're wed/she's pregnant and vulnerable, but it will happen.

Iris65 · 22/05/2017 15:16

I am a survivor of an abusive family, an abusive marriage and workplace bullying. I am so sorry that his new partner has said this to you. It is very common for people who have not been abused to believe or even say that victims of abuse are somehow responsible for their abuse. I think that it is a way of making the world feel safer - if it is the victim's fault then being abused can be avoided - until it happens to them.
Your ex is an abuser. He will continue to abuse until he takes responsibility and changes or until he dies, whichever comes first.

redfairy · 22/05/2017 15:20

You may be very different women but he is the same abuser. For his new GF to suggest you were at fault is naive.

ScarlettFreestone · 22/05/2017 15:26

It's not you Gently, it's him.

If he hasn't hit her yet, he more than likely will.

Poor foolish woman, imagine walking into that with your eyes open. Every argument she has with him she'll be just waiting for him to raise his fist.

And remember just because you don't hear about it doesn't mean he isn't hurting her, it doesn't mean they are happy. It just means he's got better at hiding it.

I'm so glad you have someone lovely now.

AhYerWill · 22/05/2017 17:17

I felt like this when I found out my abusive, cheating cocklodger ex had married his next partner. I wouldn't have had him back for all the tea in china, but it still made me feel shitty that perhaps after all I'd put up with from him, he valued his new partner enough to give her his 'best' version, when I got the shite.

Give it a few days and the feeling will pass until he's faded back into insignificance. He's a twat, she's deluded and you're worth so much more than either of them.

SisterhoodisPowerful · 22/05/2017 17:19

She's deflecting. My guess is she's already experiencing abuse and is doing this ad a way of processing her experiences. If she minimises her experiences and blames you for yours it means she doesn't have to deal with the fact that he is abusive.

WeeMcBeastie · 22/05/2017 21:17

She'll soon learn. My ex is getting married again too, he didn't ever hit me but he was physically aggrsssive, intimidating, emotionally abusive and generally vile. She's saying similar things, I drove him to be like that apparently! They don't live together yet either (for religious reasons - he's transformed from the biggest athiest on earth and has joined a religious cult!) All I can say is that she'll soon see what he's really like. I spent 20 years with him, I know he can't keep up the pretence for long! I also know that I was in no way responsible for his behaviour. Just be grateful you're out of it now.

MangosAndPapayas · 22/05/2017 23:23

Of course you didn't bring it on yourself.

He hit you because he is an abuser and he chose to do that.

It's very likely he will do that to her to but I don't agree that it is inevitable. A man who hits a woman does so because he chooses to do it. If he doesn't choose to do it, he may not.

The reasons he may choose not to are to do with him and not the woman. To take a silly example, if he is a cocaine addict and he starts seeing the daughter of a cocaine barron, he may not choose to hit her because he fears he will lose his cocaine supply.

It's all about him and the decisions he makes; and not to do with you.

MissPickles · 22/05/2017 23:37

It's just her way if justifying being with him. Don't you fret.

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