Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is going on with this woman?

60 replies

MineralWater · 22/05/2017 10:05

A few years ago my DH used to work with a woman. They got on well at work and were quite "close" at work (i.e. they'd ask each other about their partners, holidays, weekend plans etc.). When I say "close" I don't mean anything inappropriate at all but at DH's workplace people didn't really talk about their private lives with each other. That's what I mean by close.

When DH was leaving, he exchanged numbers with this woman and they became friends on FB. She suggested that me/DH and her/her then DP met up and had dinner. We went out once with them for a couple of drinks but her and her DP weren't getting on well so it was all a bit awkward and it didn't happen again.

Anyway, since DH has left this workplace they've stayed in contact. They meet up every few months for a coffee and a catch up. They both work in the same field so have that in common. There are rarely emails in between these catch up but they're friends on FB and comment/like each others stuff (nothing out of the ordinary).

But, over the last few years, there are a few strange things that have happened which makes me think something odd is going on. They're really quite minor things and nothing that would set alarm bells on their own but when you put them altogether something seems odd.

So, first. Every time me and DH have or do something pretty major in our lives, she finds an excuse to text DH. For example, she text him on our wedding day letting him know she might be a bit late, she text him on the day we were flying out for a pretty massive holiday, she text him on the day we signed our papers for our house. It's only once every year or so that it'll happen but it's every time. And the messages will always be quite cryptic so DH has to text back. I feel it's like whenever we have something "sacred" for the two of us, she has to remind DH of her existence.

Then there is the copying me. This sounds bonkers I know but she's copied me quite a few times on really silly things. For example, I put a pink toner on my hair, then she dyed her hair purple. I got my nose pierced, then she her lip pierced. I took up netball, then she took up football. These things will only happen every few months (or whenever I do something quite drastic and copy-able).

Because these things are only happening a few times a year they're not particularly noticeable but when you put them altogether, I can't help but feel something's wrong. My friend thinks she's infatuated with DH. I don't know though.

And what should DH do about it? He hadn't noticed what was going on until I pointed it out to him and then he said it might just be coincidence. But even if it's not, what can he say ("stop copying my DW" sounds nuts).

Sorry for the long post. I'm just mulling this over and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone IRL because it sounds completely mad!

OP posts:
MineralWater · 23/05/2017 14:17

Yeah, so he's telling her these things in email or in-person conversations but they're completely normal things you'd tell people. Nothing massive, nothing secret. Just stuff like we're having an extension, we're off on holiday etc.

And, yes, because it only happens a couple of times a year (her texting when "big" things are happening) it all seems innocent but when you put it together it looks odd. DH hadn't even noticed or thought about it until I pointed it out to him because it doesn't happen that often.

She's not texting things like "good luck", that'd be totally fine of course it would. She's texting completely unrelated stuff that basically focuses attention on to her.

As I said, when we got married she texted on the morning saying she might be late because of a disaster at home.

The other day, when we started our extension, she texted DH with some office gossip (they work in the same field)

OP posts:
GallicosCats · 23/05/2017 16:25

OP I can understand this from the DH's POV. I had an ex who became a friend for many years (with occasional small benefits if we weren't attached) and my DH was happy for the friendship to contine for a long time, until we had kids. Then it was another ball game.

I knew that the friendship was innocent in that there was no question of it being anything else, but I understood my DH when he said he wanted to keep family time for the family. It was about boundaries, about putting spouse and family first, and I was kind of sleepwalking into oversharing with this friend (and in my case, falling into the nostalgia trap by reminiscing about good times at uni.)

Eventually I had to drastically reduce contact with this friend. We're talking the occasional sight of Facebook and nothing else. And honestly, I don't miss him. I hope your DH understands what I'm talking about.

BlaWearie · 23/05/2017 16:36

Single White Female!
Keep her away from any stiletto heels...

Motoko · 24/05/2017 00:52

Reading this thread, the copying reminded me of Single White Female. Then got to the end and the last post said exactly the same!

BuckinghamLass · 24/05/2017 01:06

This doesn't sound like much to me, except maybe the copying. Maybe she just likes your style or admires you?

What kind of vibe do you get between them when they're together?

Totallypearshaped · 24/05/2017 01:23

You need a buzz cut and a massive tattoo Mineral!

Ask your DH to stop oversharing your life with this wannabe.
He must have other friends to have coffees with?

She so wants what you have. All of it. Watch out.

Plunkette · 24/05/2017 01:51

TBH it really feels to me like you are adding two and two and getting five. Lots of this is very coincidental.

However, there's a really easy way to put an end to it. Stop your DH sharing personal info. Make sure your FB is private and locked down.

My DH has lots of good work friends male and female, in a million years he wouldn't mention my hair, a piercing or a hobby of mine.

Your DH is oversharing. Way oversharing.

My other question is why is your DH mentioning these "intrusive" texts to you in the first place?

My DH wouldn't think to mention a text about workplace gossip particularly not if we were busy with something important.

MineralWater · 24/05/2017 08:42

My FB is private. I'm not friends with her on FB. When I had my nose pierced, DH put up a picture of me and him at a party and there were comments about my nose piercing, that's how she knew about that.

Or he'll mention something in passing as you do with friends but she seems to store this information. Once, at a work pub visit, he mentioned to the group that I'd found a pair of Le Bouton shoes in a charity shop for £4 (they were talking about charity shop finds) and a few weeks later she dropped into conversation that she'd bought some LBs.

DH isn't texting or emailing her with messages like "Guess what, Mineral has dyed her hair pink".

I don't think he's "over" sharing at all. He's not telling this woman things that he wouldn't tell anyone else. He's not telling her minute stuff about our life together, just "big" news things that he'd tell any other friend or just random bits of crap in passing.

I've only ever seen them together a couple of times. Once we went out for drinks as a foursome but that was weird because her ex was there and they weren't having a great relationship so it was all a bit odd anyway. Then I met them (as a bit group) in the pub once, she was sat opposite him and there was nothing untoward. Then I bumped into them in London once (me and DH were both in London for different reasons), she seemed surprised and a bit put out to see me but I'd put this down to her being in the "work zone" at the time.

My other question is why is your DH mentioning these "intrusive" texts to you in the first place?
He's not telling me as such. His phone will go off, if he picks it up I'll ask who it is, if he doesn't I'll say "your phone... who is it?" and if he doesn't pick it up after a while, I'll pick it up and see the message myself.

OP posts:
ScarlettFreestone · 24/05/2017 12:45

I understand that he's just mentioning normal news to her but given what you suspect he needs to stop. He need to restrict conversation just to work things.

weatherbomb · 24/05/2017 12:56

I catch up.with a former male colleague for lunch every few months & we chat about what's going on in our family lives etc - just chit chat. Ofcourse there's nothing secret about it at all & we've been friends/colleagues for nearly 20yrs. However, I would never text him during family occasions or anything like the OP has mentioned, but then again I don't fancy him nor him me! I think the OP is probably quite right that he didn't realise, now it's been pointed out to him he needs to deal with it - maybe a little less info on the big stuff his family are doing if the friendship is genuine.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page