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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is going on with this woman?

60 replies

MineralWater · 22/05/2017 10:05

A few years ago my DH used to work with a woman. They got on well at work and were quite "close" at work (i.e. they'd ask each other about their partners, holidays, weekend plans etc.). When I say "close" I don't mean anything inappropriate at all but at DH's workplace people didn't really talk about their private lives with each other. That's what I mean by close.

When DH was leaving, he exchanged numbers with this woman and they became friends on FB. She suggested that me/DH and her/her then DP met up and had dinner. We went out once with them for a couple of drinks but her and her DP weren't getting on well so it was all a bit awkward and it didn't happen again.

Anyway, since DH has left this workplace they've stayed in contact. They meet up every few months for a coffee and a catch up. They both work in the same field so have that in common. There are rarely emails in between these catch up but they're friends on FB and comment/like each others stuff (nothing out of the ordinary).

But, over the last few years, there are a few strange things that have happened which makes me think something odd is going on. They're really quite minor things and nothing that would set alarm bells on their own but when you put them altogether something seems odd.

So, first. Every time me and DH have or do something pretty major in our lives, she finds an excuse to text DH. For example, she text him on our wedding day letting him know she might be a bit late, she text him on the day we were flying out for a pretty massive holiday, she text him on the day we signed our papers for our house. It's only once every year or so that it'll happen but it's every time. And the messages will always be quite cryptic so DH has to text back. I feel it's like whenever we have something "sacred" for the two of us, she has to remind DH of her existence.

Then there is the copying me. This sounds bonkers I know but she's copied me quite a few times on really silly things. For example, I put a pink toner on my hair, then she dyed her hair purple. I got my nose pierced, then she her lip pierced. I took up netball, then she took up football. These things will only happen every few months (or whenever I do something quite drastic and copy-able).

Because these things are only happening a few times a year they're not particularly noticeable but when you put them altogether, I can't help but feel something's wrong. My friend thinks she's infatuated with DH. I don't know though.

And what should DH do about it? He hadn't noticed what was going on until I pointed it out to him and then he said it might just be coincidence. But even if it's not, what can he say ("stop copying my DW" sounds nuts).

Sorry for the long post. I'm just mulling this over and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone IRL because it sounds completely mad!

OP posts:
Moomin80 · 22/05/2017 17:00

Stop putting all this stuff on Facebook. Don't give her ammunition!

Hidingtonothing · 22/05/2017 17:17

I would have to do category12's idea. Get DH to post a (pinched from the Internet) photo of your new, massive tattoo (pick a body part that's usually hidden in case she doesn't bite and you do have to see her again) and see what she does.

I would have thought going so far as to permanently mark her body in such a major way just to copy you should prove these incidents aren't coincidence and ring enough alarm bells for your DH that he will voluntarily cut contact with her.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 22/05/2017 19:32

Tattoo!!!!!

LuluLovesFruitcakes · 22/05/2017 19:56

A beautiful rib piece because I'm an evil bitch 😈

Hidingtonothing · 22/05/2017 21:15

A beautiful rib piece because I'm an evil bitch 😈

Ouch Grin

cowbag1 · 22/05/2017 21:26

I think it's quite far-fetched to suggest she's making a note of the timing of these events as she's told about them to then text him months down the line.

I'd be inclined to think he's talking to or even memeeting er more often than he's letting on (but I am a cynical cowGrin).

CandleLit · 22/05/2017 21:40

So long as your DH is a bit nonplussed about it, and you trust him, ignore it. Let her act like an idiot if she wants to.

noova61 · 22/05/2017 22:18

Def a tattoo...lots of colour thatll take a while to do, which means lots of needle work:)
Sounds like shes trying to be you...do you look alike at all?

Queenofthedrivensnow · 22/05/2017 22:38

I dunno - she could be getting quite a bit from Facebook or in touch with another colleague - if they use each others phones there's not much hidden

UnicornSparkles1 · 22/05/2017 22:51

Definitely the tattoo option. A massive back tat that would take days and days to complete.

I can't stand vague messages that are designed to get a response. I don't have the patience for attention seeking.

MineralWater · 23/05/2017 09:15

I'm not particularly comfortable going along to coffee with them. They talk about work and people they know in common. I can't imagine anything more boring! Plus, DH would never come along to coffee with my friends (of both sexes) so I wouldn't do it to him. I could possibly get away with a breezy "I'm just sitting here for 10 minutes while I wait for my train" but to sit there for an hour while they gabber about work and bollocks would be awkward and weird.

No way am I texting her! I don't have her number so it'd look super-weird as I'd have to get it off DH.

I really like the tattoo idea Grin

OP posts:
category12 · 23/05/2017 10:27

Do it!!! I am not evil at all

TheStoic · 23/05/2017 11:57

I'm not seeing this at all, and my radar is pretty sensitive.

If you really are worried, your husband needs to restrict her on FB so she doesn't see his posts.

If she still messages at 'important' times, you'll know she's getting her information somewhere else.

But seriously...is starting home renovations really an important life event? And going on holiday?

Bones2017 · 23/05/2017 12:28

Get him to block her. Then she'll get the hint once and for all. X

MineralWater · 23/05/2017 12:31

TheStoic It's not that they're "important" times but they're times which are private, just me and DH. They're times when it's all about us and our life, no-one else. That is a really crap way of explaining it but I don't know how else to explain it!

I wouldn't ask him to block her, she's his friend so he can do what he likes.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 23/05/2017 12:35

If it's private, how does she get to know about it? Is he putting it on FB?

Don't block her, restrict her. That's if it's annoying enough.

ijustwannadance · 23/05/2017 12:50

She's trying to be you. Creepy as fuck.

She probably has him on a pedestal of what a man should be in a relationship but as he is not interested she has tried to make herself as close to what he is attracted to as possible. ie, you.

This would piss me off no end. Especially if she is a bit unhinged. The only end for her would be to have him. I also suspect that if he tried to cut contact she'd ramp up the craziness.

MineralWater · 23/05/2017 13:18

TheStoic No, I didn't mean "private" like that. I can't explain properly but they're things you'd share with other people in passing/conversation but they're only about (i.e. limited to) me and DH. So going on holiday is a good example, actually. Obviously you'd tell people you're going on holiday because it's not "private" but, at the same time, it's something which only involves me and DH.

DH isn't posting messages on FB like "Me and Mineral are off on holiday on April 24th" but it's coming up in normal conversation:
"Me and Mineral are off on holiday soon"
"Oh lovely, where are you going"
"Antigua for two weeks"
"Very nice. When are you going?"
"Third week of April, I can't wait"

Etc...

ijustwannadance That was the feeling I had actually. You've articulated it perfectly.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 23/05/2017 13:25

So he's telling her about these things personally then, in conversation?

I'm not discounting your gut feeling. I think they're usually right. But if this is bothering you, he needs to stop telling her stuff. You're allowed to ask him to stop.

yetmorecrap · 23/05/2017 13:30

I think there probably is nothing in it at all but she possibly has a crush and very poor boundaries. I think your DH just needs to be aware that stuff he is mentioning in general passing , she is holding onto as giving her a "reason" to contact him or comment. He probably isnt thinking twice about it if he isnt interested, but I think he needs to be aware, he isnt, she may well be, if he isnt aware already!!

JohnnyDeppsfuturewife · 23/05/2017 13:39

I might be a bit naive here but maybe she's just a nice person albeit a bit self-obsessed

I send texts and pms to friends when big things are happening in their lives like 'has your extension started, let me know if I can cook dinner for your dc' or 'good luck with the operation' or 'happy anniversary'. Maybe she's like this with everyone?

But in case I am wrong and she is a bunny boiler please pretend to have a tattoo! and tell us what happened

RebootYourEngine · 23/05/2017 13:42

I think because it is over years it doesnt stand out but when you put it all together it would irritate me.

Love the idea of playing with her, tattoos are my favourite. Grin

Hissy · 23/05/2017 14:08

Your H needs to wind in the info sharing, be vaguer and he needs to put her on acquaintance list or something so she doesn't see his posts anymore

ijustwannadance · 23/05/2017 14:09

There is a massive difference between a friendly "good luck" or "enjoy your hol" text etc and a text designed to provoke a response and put someone else in your DP's thoughts at what should be special, personal moments.

FizzyGreenWater · 23/05/2017 14:14

Ah see I don't know I am usually the first person to yell LTB/crush them like bugs/call the police/see a solicitor/have them melted in a dungeon! BUT I think you just might be reading too much into this one. I'd wait and see. Definitely the tattoo though Grin