He hit her!

[FlossyMooToo]

I visted my oldest friend at the weekend and her partner or 15 years assulted her in front of me.

He smashed her head in to the kitchen cabinate. She won't leave him. She made excuses for him. I have never liked him but i was civil towards him because I love my friend.
I am trying to understand and I want to be supportive but I am so angry with her for not leaving him. I know it is complicated, her whole life is controlled by him and her leaving would cause her DD who is pregnant and has 2 dds of her own to become homeless.
Its such a mess and I want to do the right things so that she does not feel abandond by me but at the same time i cant be around her.

I hate him so much.

But DD can't be there all the time.

DD is a victim herself. Her partner was an abuser, and so is her Dad. That's two going on. Even if she hasn't witnessed physical violence, she is aware of the control and coercion. She will be at best modifying her behaviour too. It also may explain why she ended up with an abuser herself. That means she cannot be the mother she should be. That's not a criticism. It is a reason for SS involvement possibly.

The best thing they can do, for themselves and DC is to get out. You calling WA could be the first step towards that.

Hes not her dad.

Trust me her SD is not the reason she ended up in an abusive relationship. Dont get me wrong it will not have helped but I will not contact SS.
The DD is an amazing mum and after what she has come through her DC and being a good mum is what keeps her going.

There really is so much I have to do right to make sure my friend and more importantly her DD and DGC will be safe.
I am contacting WA and i will tell them everything a lot of which I have kept from this thread and I will follow their advice.

I know he's not her biological Dad, but you suggested he is a father figure. I am not suggesting you contact SS. I am saying that this is a situation they might look at if they feel DC are at risk. And risk might be your friend and her DD remaining in this situation.

If your friend's DD got involved with her abuser before her DM was with her partner, fair enough. If she was already involved then you cannot know that he has nothing to do with it in my experience sadly.

Ms i know the reason why she was in an abusive relationship and I would love to blame it all on her SD but I cant. Sadly her own father had a bigger part to play in that.

I wasn't suggesting it was all to do with him, just that it may have been a factor. It sounds even worse from what you have suggested, and the sooner they both get away from this situation the better for both of them.

Hope you are able to get some support today.

This is terrifying. It feels like violent men can control more than their partners and children.

Going it is terrifying. His control and hold over their life is now controlling me and my actions.

Thank you MsP. I am in my office today so will be calling WA as soon as I can.
I will follow their advice on my next step as I am scared I may do the wrong thing.

Calling the police without her consent could put your friend in serious physical danger.

Follow the advice of women's aid.

Flossy, that's what I meant .

Just a quick update while the DC are not demanding my attention.

Womens aid were brilliant. They rang me back after I made the intial call.
There is quite a back story about the DD and they understood the complexity of the situation.
As there are no children directly involved and friend is not ready to leave calling the police may cause more harm as my actions can isolate her more. They advised me to give her their information and be gentle and dont judge her.
They advised me to encourage the DD to continue with the freedom programme as once her own DD can cope it may encourage her to see him for what he is.

They said I have to do all I can to show her there is a way out.

Thank you to everyone that posted.

Oh they said calling the police is always an option and they would never tell me not to.

Thanks, Flossy I was hoping for an update. I'm glad WA were good - I thought they would be. I'm sorry there's not more you can do right now, but don't underestimate the fact that she knows you're there. When she's ready to leave, just that might be enough.
Poor woman. I hope it comes out well, and sooner rather than later.
At least the DD is on the right track.
for you for being a good friend to a woman in need of one.

There are refuge's - if your friend is being abused, and won't leave because she's afraid of becoming homeless there are safe houses. And if her daughter is paying rent on a place he owns then there should be a contract - the law is on the tenants side, and it's really hard to kick people out. It takes months. If he gets heavy handed about getting her out, then there is emergency accommodation that can be provided by the council - like any harassment from him to leave, then call the police and they will then have evidence of what is happening. These horrible abusive and manipulative men want you to believe they are all you've got. They set it up so that you feel trapped BUT there is help and there are ways out. When I left my ex, all I had was the clothes I stood up in, a bag full of nappies and my daughter in a sling. I went straight to the council office and told them I had nowhere to go and that I had just been physically assaulted. I asked for somewhere safe to go. The refuge was miles away, and not a lot of fun. And yes it was months later, but I eventually got my own happy home to raise my daughter in peace and live without fear, control or abuse.

I guess like WA said, let her know there is a way out.

You sound like a truly great friend