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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He hit her!

64 replies

FlossyMooToo · 22/05/2017 07:38

I visted my oldest friend at the weekend and her partner or 15 years assulted her in front of me.

He smashed her head in to the kitchen cabinate. She won't leave him. She made excuses for him. I have never liked him but i was civil towards him because I love my friend.
I am trying to understand and I want to be supportive but I am so angry with her for not leaving him. I know it is complicated, her whole life is controlled by him and her leaving would cause her DD who is pregnant and has 2 dds of her own to become homeless.
Its such a mess and I want to do the right things so that she does not feel abandond by me but at the same time i cant be around her.

I hate him so much.

OP posts:

FatOldBag · 22/05/2017 09:53

You witnessed an assault, you need to report it to police. It's no good coming on here saying "she won't do anything, she's putting up with it" when you're doing exactly the same!

Racmactac · 22/05/2017 09:54

Another one here saying call the police. You witnessed it and they can proceed on your evidence alone.

Houseworkavoider · 22/05/2017 09:57

I'm so sorry fridayrain.

Report.
Your friend feels trapped and can't see a way out.

Original poster

FlossyMooToo · 22/05/2017 11:14

I am in meetings all day annd trying to read the thread in between. I am also trying to text my friend but she is working today too. This whole thing is so much more complicated than I ever imagined.

The one thing I dont want to do is push her away.

OP posts:

Original poster

FlossyMooToo · 22/05/2017 11:21

Fat I am trying to do the right thing and in doing so I dont want to cut her off from the only support she has.
I used to think this was a simple thing and to call the police/get out was number 1.
Being in this and knowing what reporting this against her wishes will do I am trying.

OP posts:

BishopBrennansArse · 22/05/2017 11:24

It's not a matter of her 'letting' you - it needs reporting.

There will be procedures he will have to follow to evict DGC and to be honest friend needs to be safe above all other considerations. The rest can be worked out.

MsPavlichenko · 22/05/2017 14:45

I am not being dramatic. Look at the stats re women killed by their partners. You don't want to be sitting here next year regretting a call you didn't make. The law has changed and the police are able to charge men regardless of what their partners say/want.

That said, getting in touch with Women's Aid is the first thing to do. The fact that he did it in front of you suggests he has done it many time, is confidant, and frankly doesn't care. It is a warning to her not to see you, to you to fuck off. And I'm afraid to her DD to stop her doing Freedom, or render it useless. If he is feeling threatened it is a very dangerous time indeed for any women in the house. The DD's pregnancy is also a huge trigger for violence to start/ramp up. Make sure you tell WA/Police all of this.

blankface · 22/05/2017 17:40

Take care what you say in texts to her, he may 'control' her phone.

Original poster

FlossyMooToo · 22/05/2017 19:06

He does control her phone. Her DD has told me because my friend did not text me back so I text her to ask if her mum was ok.

The DD is broken and does not know what to do. She has spoken to her mum who pretended nothing has happened.
Thos is such a fucking mess and I dont know how to fix it or making better for the people I love.

OP posts:

onalongsabbatical · 22/05/2017 19:24

Have you spoken to WA yet Flossy?
They will help you decide what to do.

It's so, so important that you are out there thinking of her and trying to help.

BottleBeach · 22/05/2017 19:37

When she says she can't leave because it would make her pregnant DD and 2 granddaughters homeless, is that because they are also living in the house with her? So those children are witnessing domestic violence towards their grandmother?

OP, you really have to tell someone. Either the police, or Children's Services.

Original poster

FlossyMooToo · 22/05/2017 19:47

I will ring tomorrow somebody up thread said its best to ring during the day. I have only been in from work an hour and my dc need seeing to.

No Bottle the dd and children live in his other house so the dgc are not witnessing dv. Not that it makes the dituation better I know but at least they are not exposed.

OP posts:

Offred · 22/05/2017 19:57

I would say in this situation she needs, and so does her daughter and dgc, you to report this to the police and be willing to testify as a witness against him.

This will put the family on the radar of SS and WA who are in a much better position to actually help.

If she falls out with you over it so be it. The police, SS and WA are the people who can help her. You can't really do anything to help her.

Original poster

FlossyMooToo · 22/05/2017 19:59

SS do not need to be involved. No children live with him and his DD is an amazing mum!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

FlossyMooToo · 22/05/2017 20:00

Her DD not his DD

OP posts:

TestTubeTeen · 22/05/2017 20:05

Women's Aid have a website section on how to support a friend who is being abused.

Offred · 22/05/2017 20:09

Well they should be if the DD and DGC are at risk of homelessness as a result of his abuse.

ferriswheel · 22/05/2017 20:13

You have to go to the police and make a statement so that when she is ready there is evidence that she can use to support her case.

There will be a domestic police officer (a different title but that's their job) who can support you and perhaps speak to your friend.

And go to Women's Aid. Don't phone them. Actually go to see them.

Help her by trusting her to work it out.

And tell her to read the book the dominator. You can get it on Amazon.

My stbxh was in that book too.

Justbreathing · 22/05/2017 20:17

Very rarely on this site have I been really shocked.
As other people have said. He is ramping it up. And he is showing you that he is in control.
I would imagine it was aimed at you.
I would imagine he has got to the point where he feels invincible, and he wanted to show you just how invincible he is.
He probably thinks/knows that no one will do anything to stop him.
This is the point when you stop him

Original poster

FlossyMooToo · 22/05/2017 20:23

I will speak to womens aid first.
I really am taking all this in and trying to deal with it the best i can.
Friend wont talk to me and I am trging to support her DD.
The DD has never witnessed him hit her mum but she has just told me Saturday cannot be the first time. The DD has had such a difficult time and I wish I could just fix it all. I know I have to go to the police. I just need to speak to WA as I dont want to make this worse and put her in mire danger and I am not equipped to deal with this and I dont know what happens next.

I really do appreciate all of the posts.

OP posts:

Offred · 22/05/2017 21:07

Sensible plan OP. Difficult situation.

loveyoutothemoon · 22/05/2017 21:22

It was me who said to ring them during the day. What I meant was as opposed to waiting til the end of the day but I now appreciate that you've been busy and not had the chance.

But I do think this needs to reported to the police. He smashed her head on the kitchen cabinet, he's likely to have done worse with nobody around to see. Next time it could be fatal. You wouldn't be able to live with that. Get it done.

DoIDontIhavethetalk · 22/05/2017 21:29

If her daughter was in an EA relationship and didn't realise it then I would be thinking the reason her boundaries are so messed up is that she's been witnessing it at home for some time. I highly doubt this is the first time he's done this.

Inbetweenus · 22/05/2017 21:29

Please take some action as your friend isn't able to because she has been conditioned. It's hard for you, but you are the only responsible adult that can do this as you are a witness to a violent assault.

Original poster

FlossyMooToo · 22/05/2017 21:38

DD assures me she never saw him hit her mum. She has no reason to lie to me.
DDs boundaries are screwed but for a different reason sadly.

OP posts:

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