Found out some heavy stuff, how to cope..

[HazelnutMocha]

Hi, just to let you know I don't post much anyway but have name change (I don't know why I'm saying that, I guess because it's my first post under this account name)

It's been an awful day so am really sorry that this will be a bit of a jumble, but here goes...

For a bit of background info; I am 25 and OH is 29. We unexpectedly fell pregnant when I was 23 but were over the moon, and since our desired age gap was more important than my youngish age, decided to TTC number 2 this year. I'm now 21 weeks pregnant, and everything has been bliss. We were so happy to conceive and have all of our little plans for the future in place.

Tonight everything has been pretty much ruined and I'm just beside myself, genuinely exhausted trying to think of how we will cope as a family unit.

I need to say before I continue that it everything was perfect when I found out I was pregnant. OH had a really abusivr childhood and bad relationship before he met me. He struggled on and off with low moods, sometimes (often) fdrinking to self medicate. Things improved when we fell pregnant but due to a delay getting decent accommodation we lived witH my parents for a few months leading up to and after the birth of DD. This did not suit him at all and he would often "escape" while I was pregnant by going out and getting drunk and staying at friends. This later escalated when our DD was a fee months old to him taking codeine painkillers at night to get to sleep if he wasn't drinking. He hid this well and i didn't know until I found some empty packets.

I grew up with a father who drank all day and there is sub stance abuse amongst my siblings, which started at a fairly young age. In fact I am the only one out of 4 not to go through some kind of drug or alcohol abuse. Because of this I have a lot of anxiety around substance abuse as our home life was very chaotic growing up.

So on discovering his issues I felt devastated, but of course stood by him as he is obviously genuinely suffering and trying to self medicate. He was and is still a great dad and is never abusive, mean or even rude, to either of us. Even at his lowest. But the problem is it's the drinking to excess on occasion and taking strong pain killers that is getting me so fraught.

We have been together 4 years and I have always been very supportive and open about his problems and have always encouraged him to seek proper help or therapy. However I have anxiety issues myself so at times, especially with a young baby to care for, I was probably more upset that understanding a lot of the time. I admit to feeling (internally) to him wanting to just get better. This is incredibly callous i know.

Fast forward to our daughters first birthday and everything is massively better. He rarely drinks, never "escapes" even if he does, and no more pain killers. We have our little house, I go back to work and it's all great, we want another baby etc and the up and down past is behind us.

Back to today (well last night actually). OH wants go to a pretty rare visit to a friend's house and of course i say okay. I have been worrying as he's been in a lower mood recently, so I do gently mention to make sure he comes back at a sensible time.

That was last night, and to cut a long story short he went out til about 9pm tonight, even though I'd been messaging him all day saying how tired I was and that I wasn't feeling well. Since coming home I've also found out he's been starting to take codeine at night again since about 5 weeks ago.

We have a 2 year old DD and I'm pregnant with out second. I don't know if I'm tired and overreacting but I just feel like I can't cope with all of this (again) on top of pregnancy. I thought it would be so differect now :( what would you do?

Id ask im to leave. He went out for over 24 hours. Without telling you.'without you knowing where he was. You messaged you were ill. He ignored that message. He knew you werent up to looking after hisnchild but stayed away. He isnt a great dad. He is an addict and will make your life harder. Is he working full time?

Not defending him because he did ignore my messages the next day, but he did plan to go out and I did know he was going and that he'd most likely sleep on the sofa there. He did also message me to ask how I was etc. But, the next day is the problem. He should have been back in the early morning and didn't come home til after 8pm. And he had seen my messages and spoken to me, so knew I was pissed.

The thing is as well, i get why people would say he isn't a good dad because of these flaws, but he really, really is. This behaviour is few and far between now and he is 90 percent of the time kind, attentive, thoughtful, organised and proactive and never loses his temper.

However today made me worried that we were going back to where we were at before DD was born and honestly the thought completely exhausted me. We have had a good long talk and he will seek help, but I don't know how to go about this if it doesn't get better :(

Sorry should have also put a clearner timescale in, DD is now 28 months so this last time I had to deal with this behaviour was when she was about 10 months, so things have been great for quite a while.
The whole revelation that he started taking the tablets to help him sleep and the fact he stayed out all day is making me really anxuous though :$

I think at issue is not just what he did that upset you:

the next day is the problem. He should have been back in the early morning and didn't come home til after 8pm. And he had seen my messages and spoken to me, so knew I was pissed.

Since coming home I've also found out he's been starting to take codeine at night again since about 5 weeks ago.

But how he is reacting now.

What was his reason for not coming home today until so late?

Why has he resorted to codeine again?

What is he going to do to prevent this happening again?

Has he ever sought outside help for his addiction issues?

I think you need some space at the very least. His behaviour is upsetting you and worsening your anxiety presumably, which is not good and makes it hard to think clearly. You sound exhausted and confused. The problem with addiction is that it is very hard to beat. He has to want to do it for himself primarily and then obviously for you and his children. If he is not invested in resolving these issues you will just keep on going around in a circle. I don't think you are misguided in questioning whether you are going to be revisiting the hellish place you found yourself in previously with him.

Well I think asking him to leave after one planned night away is possibly a bit of an overreaction.

You're both very young, in the grand scheme of things, to be dealing with parenthood and all the other stud life throws at you.

Have you tried talking to him? It sounds like he's far from perfect here but a day of sulking and evasion isn't worth destroying what sounds like a decent relationship over.

The substance abuse, well that's either a symptom or a cause, I don't know.

Can you talk to him when he's completely sober and straight, as this is a fairly recent change and not too ongoing?

I would go to he doctor for help, both of you. You for anxiety and him for medication or alcohol abuse, and see what help is available.

I had CBT for anxiety, on the NHS, 20 years ago and it worked.

Concentrate on getting yourself well. Ask your husband to concentrate on getting himself well.

What does he say he is going to do to fix it?

Well what he did was unacceptable. But you say you had a good long talk and he will seek help. At the moment, that sounds positive, and like you both need to take things one step at a time. If he knows it was wrong and wants to change, then there's hard work ahead but he has already done the hardest part.

But you need support too. You're pregnant and already have a daughter to look after. It's not fair that he's putting you in this position again, and you deserve better, but while he's working on giving you that, do consider asking for some NHS mental health support if it's available in your area. You are pregnant and so your mental and physical health take priority right now.

Whatever happens and whatever you decide about your relationship in the future, real life support for you will help. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your family

I agree with the others. You can't fix an addict but what does he say? How has he reacted? Does he want to get better?

Most bad relationships are because of the buts. He would be the perfect husband if only he didn't... He's a great father but why does he keep...? I really love him but he won't stop...

You might find Al Anon can help you, Hazelnut, at least to avoid being an enabler.

Thanks all so much for the replies :)

To answer a few questons, he acted very apologetic, bought me flowers and a nice dinner. His reason for not coming home was guilt - I know it's true because I've seen him do it before. It also turns out he had actually stopped taking codeine, thrown them out a few days ago hence his uncharacteristically low mood and want to go out (as we have a young child he rarely goes out).

I have spoken to him and explained as I have on here that I won't have my children exposed to any type of substance abuse. I said that I hope that meant supporting him through this and not breaking up with him. He as apologised again and acknowledged that I can't bear that burden while pregnant. He has agreed to get professional help, which although often talked about in the past never happened, and is the main reason I'm willing to forgive him. I will be making sure on monday that he's organiser his GP appointment and we will go from there.

I do think CBT would be so helpgul for both of us really, especially him. Thanks again for all the responses

My opinion is that you should take him in your arms and tell him how much you love him and how worried you are. Don't hold anything back. He has admitted he needs professional help which is a great step. Explain that while you love him, you will not continue to abide by his reckless behaviour. Get help as soon as humanly possible. He sounds like a good man who needs proper help by professionals. Stay strong. You can get through this as long as he keeps his end of the bargain.

I think you need to be careful. Addicts aren't always honest and will say pretty much anything. Be supportive but keep an eye on him and make sure he's telling the truth. I agree with contacting a support group like Al Anon.

OP you've had some fab advice so I won't double up but I just wanted to add something.

You say that he hasn't done this for 18m and that it's a flaw in an otherwise good person. I'm sure you already know this but please don't ever let yourself come to believe that this is acceptable behaviour - it's not. It sounds like things are moving positively but he needs to realise that, 'guilty' or otherwise, him staying out makes the whole situation worse and is wholly unfair on you. Your his partner and you have two children together. If he can't be open about his feelings and emotions with you then he needs to explore why.

Too many times on here I see an op saying 'oh, but he only does it once a year'. Still not OK and once too often.

Good luck with everything and congratulations on your pregnancy!

You have a child plus another on the way and you do not need this man child to take up any more of your energy. As long as you stay with him it will always be about him needing to be molly coddled and understood. He will suck the life out of you so do yourself a favour and get out now whilst you are not one of the walking dead.

Cmon PeelyWeely. Suck the life out of her? Walking dead? He sounds as if he's struggling and he's going to get some help. He knows his behaviour is shit and he's putting too much pressure on the op. I don't see a reason to bin a man, who's a good dad and wants help for to sort some pretty low level substance abuse and going on an occasional bender. He's identified relatively early on that if he continues this could escalate into something more serious and it sounds as if he doesn't want to turn into his father.

He's going to get help? I don't believe him. I suspect he told the OP what she wanted to hear there and then.

Low level substance abuse? 🙄

Peelyweely is right. Nothing will change until he accepts he is an addict and seeks help. It can be dressed up as youth, stress, fear but the underlying problem is his lack of action to seek help for his addiction.

It doesn't matter if it's the symptom or the cause, the addiction slowly trumps the other issues.

I say this with bitter experience both personally and professionally. The OP's main focus has to be her own mental health and her child's safety. That is ALL she can control.

B

Yes - as others have said PLEASE contact Al-Anon for yourself and encourage your OH to go to meetings himself and to the GP. I also think you should read up on Co-Dependency given your background and the partner you have ended up with - there may be some insights there for you.

You sound like a lovely, empathetic, caring person who really wants to help your OH but you are probably someone "who loves too much" and find it hard to enforce the right boundaries. Please get some help for yourself - the cycle of supporting an alcoholic and all the heartache that brings is starting in your family again.

Thank you Aqua that is actually pretty much what i did :) I did tell him in a nutshell that he knows he's my soul mate but I have 2 small children to look after, and that I will shelter them from anything - hopefully by making sure he gets the help he needs and not by leaving him, but that is the real alternative he is facing this time..

Don't worry! I'm under no illusions that it is acceptable behaviour regardless of the infrequency, but I am realistic and i ackbowledge that he is in a lot of pain.

I'm sorry to posters like MrsPeely but that is your opinion of a man you do not know. I'm not going to defend this behaviour but there is a lot of context to it. This behaviour is upsetting but he is far from sucking the life out of me. He needs mental health support, he is not a bad person.

Thank you for all the kind words of support, they really helped me feel stronger and more able to deal with this in a positive way

This behaviour is upsetting but he is far from sucking the life out

Not yet.

Thank you for offering your perspective. I promise I will bear it in mind.

Hazelnut, you're extremely gracious in your replies. Thank you.

Sounds like he could do with an anti depressant so that he does not feel the need to turn elsewhere to cope with his emotions.

It was no coincidence that you grew up in that environment and have found yourself attracted to a man who can replicate it.

Your children are almost like you - living with drug misuse - although you don't quite see it that way yet because you think that you are protecting them (if they don't see it or know about it)

Do you really think things can improve long term? If so go to the docs with him and talk about his addictions. If not waste no more energy on him and focus on your babies who need you.