Is this passive aggressive behaviour?

[Auserwithnoname]

I just want to talk through my day. If anyone has any thoughts I'd appreciate it so much. Today I was up at 6.30. I took my daughter swimming, left the house and was back at 10. Partner had said something about tidying up while we were gone, he did some washing up - but the house looked untidy on return. I slept for about an hour when I got back, which made us late for an event. I was desperately trying to organise us all to leave the house, but partner hang out washing - v slowly - while I went around getting everything ready and was stressed. Got to event and took daughter while he went to pub. He came back a bit drunk and my daughter didn't want to leave to go home. She had been given a chocolate bar which I said she could have once she was ready to leave. She had an almighty meltdown, shouted at me, hit me - so I picked her up and took her to car. She continued to scream, partner eventually came out. Sister comforted and reassured me. I drove home crying all the way. Partner has said nothing to me - all the way home and this evening. He put my daughter to bed.

I'm sorry but what but do you think is PA? You had a shit day and he was drunk&moody? What has the Chocolate bar got to do with things?

The chocolate bar caused the meltdown and I'm thinking the way I felt with the situation is my fault. The problem is this day is an example of our relationship. I feel very stressed with no emotional support. I work full time, do the majority of household chores, organisation etc

Sorry - thinking the way I felt with the situation is my fault

Dealt!!!!!

What is the point of hm exactly?

Kid had meltdown over chocolate bar - why did you cry all the way home?

You were awake for 3.5 hours and then went for a nap?! Making everyone late. Was there a reason for the nap?!

What was the event? Was the type of event the reason for so much to be organised? What was needed to be orgNised?

Who is all? You had to organise aLl of you. Do you have a few children?

Anyway, without knowing any more details id say have a chat about splitting chores and dont do his. And dont be organising a grown man to leave the house. He isnt a child.

I had nap because I'm usually up at about 5am and don't sleep well because of work. I was exhausted. Getting out the house on time is a common theme. Partner never really clock watches, knows what's happening or where things are. He is often late. He works until about 8.30pm every day - but I think this is because he does things very slowly, isn't aware of the time.

I cried because I'd been hit and screamed at and felt like the situation was my fault.

i cried because I'd been hit and screamed at and felt like the situation was my fault. Well then you need to 'man up'

It was a child behaving badly. Why would that be your fault?

It's obviously not great but I wouldn't label it passive aggressive.

Sounds like you need to communicate with one another better and set out your expectations from the get go. If you were going for a nap you could have had a discussion about what needed doing whilst you were sleeping in order that you weren't late for example.

If he's not pulling his weight generally and gives you the silent treatment regularly then you've bigger fish to fry OP xx

Do you think that you are being passive aggressive or that your partner is?

Do you mind if I go through it, bit by bit?

Don't get up at 6.30 on a Saturday to take your daughter swimming. Clearly, you need more sleep. Normal people don't have naps at 10.00.

Your partner washed up and hung the washing out but didn't tidy up. Not sure on this one. You clearly feel that he isn't doing enough but there's not enough info to decide whether you are being reasonable or not.

You took daughter to event while he went to pub and got drunk. If she is his daughter too (you say my daughter) this is very very wrong of him. It's not passive aggressive. It's lazy, entitled, thoughtless and selfish. However, if she is not his daughter, the going to the pub would be forgiveable though the getting drunk in the middle of the day less so.

Your daughter did not have a melt down because she had a chocolate bar. She had a meltdown because she did not want to leave/was overtired/is a child.

You drove home crying all the way. Pathetic and yes, passive aggressive.

He didn't speak to you all evening, nasty and yes, passive aggressive.

If he isn't her dad and he put her to bed, that was his way of trying to make it up to you.

Bringing up small children is hard. They do have tantrums and these can be hard to deal. If you are at loggerheads with your partner at the same time, it's horrible.

You need to think about what you want from him, what you would like to be different, think carefully about whether that is reasonable and fair and then communicate properly. People who are passive aggressive are often frightened of expressing their feelings overtly and so resort to crying, sulking etc but this is often counterproductive and just leads to resentment. Lead the way. Be the adult. If he won't respond as an adult, you may have to think about where to go from there, but if you both act like children, you won't get anywhere.

Hedda, that is really useful - thank you so much. And I agree that we may mutually be passive aggressive.

Our daughter is 6 - he is her daddy. The aggression in her meltdown was really quite horrific. She was screaming how much she hated me. I picked her up to take her out and she was as hitting me as hard as she could on my back. I was trying to carry her, find keys and open the door to get her to the car. Her daddy sat and did nothing to help even though I asked if he could open the door. I sat in the car with her for about 5 minutes and I think he eventually came out because my sister asked him. I 'know' he feels I dealt with the situation the wrong way. I realise she was tired/didn't want to go home - but I 'know' he disagreed with my method of 'you can have the chocolate bar when you have got your boots on'.

It's generally very rare that I get any positive feedback about what I do. He does do some housework but this is always on his terms and is a small percentage of what needs doing. If I ask for something to be done, he will almost deliberately not do that thing - e.g. taking bins out. So I know a rota will not work. When I am cleaning - I often get comments about not using the right cleaning product, or an analysis of what I am doing wrong - rather than any help.

I'm anxious, lacking in confidence and am on anti-depressants. I don't know if I'm over sensitive or passive aggressive - but I often feel 'under attack' or that I'm doing things the wrong way. I probably am.

Strangely the first comment I had from 'empire' made me feel this way too.

It is about communication. But I have tried and tried. I'm very much the one to instigate things - trips, sorting out roof leaks, saying that it's 7.30 and we need to get home, planning the day, clock watching - but then I'm blamed when things go wrong.

Also - to conceive my daughter we needed IVF treatment due to my infertility. I know he wants more children but I am unable to now. I'm wondering if this underlies everything.

Why would you want more children with this idiot when he is clearly incapable of recognising what a partnership of adults is?

Why need a label such as passive aggressive? He just sounds as though he isn't pulling his weight. Sounds as though it has been boiling up and your daughter having tantrum was final straw for you.

I would get really pissed off if I had a child and my partner criticised how I did things but didn't actually step in to do it 'his way' that apparently is the best way.

Perhaps you need to put your foot down with chores. Tell him he needs to put rubbish out, and whatever other chores he can do. And step back. If he doesn't do it then don't you do it. Let it mount up, he will do it eventually. I know it seems silly to play games like this but sometimes I think you just have to with certain people.

And I agree, take a step back, you need more rest. Your daughter is 6 now, there's no reason he can't look after her more so you can get to bed earlier/lie in etc. and he can def do the swimming run every other week!!!

Thank you again. Think my sleep patterns are rather bizarre. My job is stressful and I often wake up in the night worrying. I like getting up early and getting things done. But I will suddenly have a 'burn out' moment at an odd time and need a power nap.
I'm currently staring at 2 overflowing bins, post lying around the kitchen and empty plates that haven't been put in the dishwasher. It irritates me to just leave it lying around. I HAVE to do it. If I don't keep on top of things the amount of jobs will just multiply and not get done. And I can't have that on top of work stress.

My partner is very calm and never get stressed. He is very slow to do simple things - but will do those things perfectly and attend to every detail. He often gets sidetracked. I just quickly get the rest of things done and am maybe a bit 'slap dash'. He is absolutely terrible at time management.

Well you've got up & are in the kitchen. Put the plates in the dishwasher, turn it on, empty the bins & get on with it. Yes it's annoying having to do housework but it isn't going to do itself. It'll only take 10 minutes & then you can sit down & go through the post with a cup of tea (& fill up the recycling bin again with the envelopes).

Sorry to be harsh but if one of you doesn't tidy up as you go along that's what happens.

The bit that is passive aggressive is not speaking to you all evening. Does that happen often? Apart from that he just sounds a bit useless. You're not a partnership.

Would you consider counselling or a marriage course?

Of course I'm going to do it BIg. But after my day yesterday I just feel so completely deflated.

Usually during the week we don't communicate much. I leave before he gets up, I'm in bed by the time he gets home. Weekends are the time for arguments. He doesn't 'not speak' but we don't support each other. I often avoid communicating to prevent an argument.

Counselling I would consider. I don't want to be pessimistic but arranging it would be so hard. I would instigate, I would coordinate a time, I would arrange childcare, he would need lots of reminders/ when to leave work on time for a weekday appointment, I would get blamed if it didn't work.

He sounds pointless and a shit partner/father. You sound like you're trying to do everything on your own and at the end of your tether

I don't have any advice but wanted to sympathise. My dh doesn't communicate well either and is PA because of his upbringing. It took me a long time to realise because I just got on with things. I organise everything and initiate 99% of the time. It's exhausting, frustrating and is not an attractive quality. He's a great dad and very hands on though which I'm grateful for. Whereas he supports me with the kids I don't feel he has my back. That's quite a lonely place to be. I've almost given up trying to get him to communicate but I'm becoming colder and more distant because the emotional connection is not there. I know the future doesn't look good but I was only making myself unhappy. I'm saying all this so you know you aren't alone.