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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm so lost

48 replies

1233332q · 20/05/2017 22:47

Hi, sorry I'm pretty new to this but I'm just looking for someone to talk to.
I've been with my partner for 4 years. We have had such a loving happy relationship until just recently. When we moved in together we started bickering as he expects me to do everything. We both work, he comes home and does nothing. I do all the shopping cooking cleaning even down to the morning coffee. He's never made a hot drink or poured a glass of juice. He wakes me every morning to go make him coffee and breakfast. I'm exhausted. He doesn't like me to be sat down, as he says it helps him relax when I'm doing things around the house. I just want one evening to sit and watch tele. It would be bliss. Recently he's started becoming nasty, he calls me a fat, a slag, tells me to die. He left yesterday afternoon saying he didn't want to be with me. Then he come back around 11pm. Said the usual sorry etc.
Then this morning left again because He wanted breakfast but we needed to go shopping first. However he didn't want to take me etc. He's broken 4 doors in the house. He man handles me. Pins me to the bed to try get my phone to smash it etc.
I went to go to bed, however he told me I couldn't sleep in that room and to get in the spare bed. I said that I couldn't as we haven't got any bedding for that bed. He said it's not his problem. So I'm now sleeping on the sofa. He's so angry and it's really effecting my mental health. I suffer with anxiety and depression. I just needed to offload. Sorry if it's a long post. I love him so much and I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

DirectMe · 20/05/2017 22:50

Omg, pick up your phone, and purse. Get out of the house to a friend, police station, somewhere, anywhere.
Tell them what you've told us, and never go back.

You are worth way more than this.
Lots of us have come out the other side, you can too.

Squeegle · 20/05/2017 22:50

You need to get out. Pronto. He is showing his colours as an abuser. Please don't think you love him. Why would you love someone who is horrible to you?

user1492190246 · 20/05/2017 22:51

I am sorry this has happened to you but I think you need to leave him before he really hurts you . You are not his slave

Original poster

1233332q · 20/05/2017 22:53

I wanted to leave so many times. But then he's lovely and makes me realise how he can be. Where is the man I fell in love with.
It's not just him. I've got a step daughter, and walking away from him would be walking away from her too. She's my entire world. I don't think I'm strong enough to do that. I feel broken.
I keep asking him to see a doctor for depression. He can be absolutely lovely and then turn to the devil

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 20/05/2017 22:56

You need to leave.
Now
Go see a gp and counsellor for you.

HildaOg · 20/05/2017 22:57

Of course you're depressed, you're living with a violent bully who is depriving you of rest, physically and emotionally abusing. You don't need tablets, you need to get away from him. If you're so concerned about your stepdaughter, leave and call social services to intervene to protect her.

Please get out of there ASAP. This behaviour only escalates. It'll never get better. You'll only get more beaten down and depressed.

There is a much better life out there for you. You have to move in that direction.

FeedMyFaceWithBattenberg · 20/05/2017 22:58

Ohmygosh.
Pack a bag now, phone, charger, purse, passport/other forms of ID.
and go.
Police, family, friends.
And tell them everything written here.
This is physical and mental abuse.
Please do not stay. It will never get better, people who behave like that never change.

Blossomdeary · 20/05/2017 23:02

Oh for goodness sake - just go.

Blossomdeary · 20/05/2017 23:04

I am sorry - that was a little harsh. Don't feel "lost" - pick up your self-respect and take yourself off. There will be someone out there for you - and believe me, even if there isn't, no man is better than a man like this. You deserve better.

springydaffs · 20/05/2017 23:04

He's so lovely that the chances are high that he will kill you.

Call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. This is the national helpline and it's not easy to get through during the day - at night/overnight is best - but if that's not possible then find your local Womens Aid during office hours.

The 'lovely' him is fake. The abusive, frightening devil is who is really is. He did/does all that nice/lovely stuff to keep you hooked to him.

Womens Aid will help you to see what you're really facing here. You aren't the first to be in the awful situation - but please don't be a statistic we read about in the papers. I'm serious here - he shows all the signs...

He will reduce you to rubble first, though.

Call Womens Aid. Tell them what you've told us here. They understand how hard it is and how hard it is to leave.

Original poster

1233332q · 20/05/2017 23:08

On the outside everyone sees a lovely man, and I know this isn't who he is. He has never been like this. He will do absolutely anything for anyone. He helps with things that need fixing, takes me out etc. It's just this side of him that has exploded the last few months. Deep down I know this isn't him.
I'm only here because I keep hoping a believing one day he's going to get help for been so angry. Thank you for all your comments. It's so nice to be able to offload. I recall do appreciate all the responses xx

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 20/05/2017 23:09

The child would be better off without you there because at least she would not be witnessing domestic abuse.

You can go to a woman's refuge tonight or if you don't want to please confide in a friend or family member about what is happening

Original poster

1233332q · 20/05/2017 23:10

We never ever argue in front of her. She's never here when anything happens. He's a really really good father. We don't have raised voices or anything. I know hand on heart she's in no danger.

OP posts:

MissPickles · 20/05/2017 23:10

You do realise that this is domestic violence, don't you.

Badliar · 20/05/2017 23:10

He can't be a lovely man because he is treating you badly every single day, morning and night. Not letting you sit down? I'm shocked.

This is one of the rare cases where I would say, just leave with the clothes on your back.

Badliar · 20/05/2017 23:12

And if he's such a wonderful father (he's not), then your stepdaughter will be fine.

springydaffs · 20/05/2017 23:57

I can't quite work out your subsequent post - when you say 'I know this isn't who he is' - which part of him, the evil or the wonderful, do you not think he is?

When he's being nice, he's doing what is called hoovering - literally, sucking you back in (by being nice).

This guy is Bad News. I have to agree with Badliar: just leave with the clothes on your back.

or leave in a box

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 21/05/2017 00:07

As precious PP have said, get out NOW! He doesn't deserve you and will very possibly seriously injure or kill you. You love him so much? Well he clearly doesn't love you so YOU need to love yourself enough to leave him!

tipsytrifle · 21/05/2017 00:29

Who moved in with who? Is it your place or his?

If he's a brilliant father and his daughter is in no danger then that leaves you with only YOU to worry about and save.

He's an abusive man and you must be close to being ready to let him go, right? You know he's going to escalate by way of atrocious behaviour towards you and deep down you have reached the end of your tether. Tethers are bonds. I'm not keen on them being used on horses to make them stay put, never mind a person like you. There are many danger signs here and you'd be wise to notice them. For you. Don't stay for his daughter. Leave for you.

user1486956786 · 21/05/2017 09:56

OP this isn't normal !!

My partner (bless him) goes to cafe and brings me coffee home, every day. He does bins, dishwasher, clothes washing.

I do cooking, food shopping, and overall house clean.

My point is, there are men out there who don't treat their women the way you are being treated. When you live together you really do become a partnership. Especially if both working full time! And it sounds as though you look after his daughter too.

Please realise you can do and deserve better.

cupcakesandrainbows · 21/05/2017 10:02

Please leave him. You deserve better than to be treated like this. Also he's trying to control you and manipulate you. Please get out asap.

BitchQueen90 · 21/05/2017 17:25

You say you know this isn't him. But it IS him. The nice, lovely side of him is the false one, the one that has been hiding the abuser all this time.

He's not going to change. Because he doesn't care. If he cared, he would have already started trying to get help. Everyone knows that kind of behaviour is not right in a relationship. He knows it, and he's not doing anything about it.

The only way anything will change is if you leave him and take control yourself.

AnyFucker · 21/05/2017 17:28

He is not depressed, he is abusive

He is a poor father. Men who abuse women like he does are piss poor role models.

You need to leave.

JK1773 · 21/05/2017 17:30

Oh my goodness OP. Please please get out now. He has hurt you many times and he won't stop. You are totally unsafe.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/05/2017 17:31

Get the FUCK out of there! He is not a nice man, he is an abuser.

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