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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Absolute nightmare being stuck between DH and DM

61 replies

cupcakesandrainbows · 20/05/2017 21:04

Help!

I can't take anymore.

My DM is driving me mad.

My DH is driving me mad.

Basically they don't get on v well and DH drives DM up wall and frankly, vice versa. DM is chronically ill and we nearly lost her last year, which nearly broke me. She's currently ok due to the treatment she's having, but for how long we don't know. She also has signs of possible dementia. Her house is a cluttered mess and we've tried to help her clear it and she's frankly gotten abusive with me for touching her stuff.

Anyway, I lost my DD 2 years ago to dementia. Which I'm devastated about. Terrified i could lose dm. Want to spent time with her when I can but am too depressed to sometimes.

Anyway she'll randomly turn up at ours and start criticising us for being messy. I've got a slipped disc, depression, anaemia and a lo who loves to make a house. I also work pretty much ft. So does dh.

The house next door to hers is on sale. She is furious dh won't move there and is currently having a blazing row with him. She said 'I want you both to be happy and not living like this in this mess but you both don't deserve it' and earlier had said my dh was 'not sharp' because he didn't want to move out of our current home for a multitude of reasons and cos it's just not possible to snap your fingers and just move bibity bopity boo.

Oh bloody hell I can hear them rowing now. I want to run away. I hate my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
cupcakesandrainbows · 20/05/2017 21:07

I would move next door to her but I know she'll be round all the time and we could all drive eachother mad. Also I doubt we could easily sell our current home. I feel such a rubbish daughter. I want to do the right thing. I lost it today and said she should go live in shelter accom. Now feel like I'm evil bitch Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
cupcakesandrainbows · 20/05/2017 21:07

And dh brooding all day

OP posts:
NorksAreMessy · 20/05/2017 21:26

OK STOP!

You are round and round like a squirrel in a cage trying to please everybody. This will never make you happy.
Your emotions are, quite understandably, overwhelming you, but you are forgetting yourself in all of this.

You don't have to move house. You don't have to tidy her house. You don't have to listen to either of them criticising the other.

You do have to look after YOURSELF. On aircraft they advise you to apply your own oxygen mask before helping others. It is good advice.

QuiteLikely5 · 20/05/2017 21:29

How old is your DM?

If she is not fully functioning then can't your dh take her insults with a pinch of salt?

Otherwise he is well within his rights to stand up for himself and definitely to resist living next door to her!

Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2017 21:32

From what you've said, your mother appears to be the one causing the problems. She comes over to your home and then she criticizes the both of you about things that are not her concern. Then, she is nearly demanding that you sell your home so you can move next door to her. If I were your husband, I'd be fed up, too. Yes, your mom has health issues, but she still needs to act like an adult. Tell her she is not to come over without permission, and figure out a way to keep her away from your husband. If she is fighting in your home you need to make her leave.

Original poster
cupcakesandrainbows · 20/05/2017 21:33

He does take her criticisms with a massive pinch of salt but is fed up now because she's laid into me and he's seen me in tears by it

OP posts:
Original poster
cupcakesandrainbows · 20/05/2017 21:33

I try to rise above it but sometimes I can't...

OP posts:
Original poster
cupcakesandrainbows · 20/05/2017 21:35

She's gone now after telling me she would be 'heartbroken' if we don't buy the house next door. DH just fed up absolutely. I'm tired and in agony with a bad back i can't do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
cupcakesandrainbows · 20/05/2017 21:37

Unfortunately where we live there's a community all of Mum's culture who believe married children and parents should live together. Since my DD died I've had in the neck from her friends in the community for not living with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
cupcakesandrainbows · 20/05/2017 21:38

But the 1 time we stayed with her she started criticising my dh to me. So we haven't stayed since. That was a year ago. Funny that.

OP posts:
CoolCarrie · 20/05/2017 21:42

You and dh need to leave your lives in your way,not your dm's way. She sounds like a piece of work, just like my own dm, and dh, so I know how you feel!

GladysKnight · 20/05/2017 21:47

Oh poor you. Even if it was the "right" thing to do, to move next door to her, she would be in there criticising you and arguing with DH all the time. How would that help? Yes you want to spend time with her, but also, you need space from her where you can be 'you' nd content, living how you want to live without being got at. You and your DH need to be a team and you owe it to yourself, and DH, not to take her criticisms to heart. SHE IS NOT THE BOSS OF YOU. You are an adult now.

HandbagCrazy · 20/05/2017 21:47

It sounds stressful all around OP.

Who do you think is in the right here?

I think your DH is at the end of his tether (understandably) and you need to support him.
Can you both work together on a strategy to make your DM more manageable? Maybe start by pointing out calmly when she's being rude and ending the visit there and then?
Obviously if this was all dementia related the advice would be different but it doesn't appear to be that way.

Also, and I seem to put this a lot on here - stop explaining your reasons to her. She wants you to move. You aren't going to - end of story. Don't tell her it's because you don't have the money / can't right now etc because you're inviting her to try and solve those problems and cause more arguments. A simple "no" is enough.

SandyY2K · 20/05/2017 21:54

The last thing you should do is live next door to her, otherwise your marriage will suffer.

I agree that your DM is the problem here. You're both grown adults and don't need to live next door to her and you should tell her that you don't want to, instead of allowing her to blame your DH.

Stop hiding away, while she disrespects your DH.

If this was the other way round, your DH would be getting flack for allowing it.

Original poster
cupcakesandrainbows · 20/05/2017 22:04

I wasnt hiding. I'd defended him earlier today. And 9 years ago when she tried to stop us getting married. All I do is defend him. He knows that. I hope....

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 20/05/2017 22:13

Well you need to restrict her visits. This is your life and she's making it hellish.

Oh bloody hell I can hear them rowing now. I want to run away. I hate my life.

This is why I thought you were hiding.

She's trying to to emotionally blackmail you.

Are you an only child?

To be honest, her behaviour would make me want to sell up.... And move far away from her.

It's enough to drive anyone round the twist.

Shewhomustgowithoutname · 20/05/2017 22:19

If it is the DM's culture and habit to think that a grown up child should stay with the parent(s) she will be wondering why you are not following the tradition.
It could be easier on you in the future if the DM becomes more ill in the future and you only have to go next door.
If you are an only child it could mean that at some point in the future you could end up owning 2 houses which could be made into one large house.
Perhaps DM would help with child care and housework while reasonably well and therefore you would benefit and also stop her criticising the state of your house.
A lot of cultures have this expectation that an adult child will live with a parent. It must be quite hard for the older generations

Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2017 22:47

You have got to take control of your own life with your husband. Your mother is running ram shod over you because you're allowing it. Who cares what her nattering old friends say?? If they are so concerned, tell them THEY can live with her. I must caution you that there is only so much your husband can take. Not only will this affect his health, it could destroy your marriage. I for one wouldn't put up with it.

Original poster
cupcakesandrainbows · 20/05/2017 23:08

I know it could destroy our marriage. I know so much about how this could all go horribly wrong and can't find any solution.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2017 23:23

The solution is to lay down the law with your mother. She is manipulating you into letting her get away with her bullshit.

Original poster
cupcakesandrainbows · 20/05/2017 23:28

It's not bs though...shevis difficult but she is also ill and needs help and I'm stuck in the middle and don't know what to do

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/05/2017 00:24

Make a schedule to help her and stick to it. Can she afford part time in-home care? What about siblings or other family members? You said above you try to help and she refuses it. So call her bluff. If you try to help her at home and she starts in with her antics, just leave. Inform her that leaving is exactly what you'll do every time she disrespects you. Yes she's your mother, but that does not give her the right to torment you and destroy your marriage.

Original poster
cupcakesandrainbows · 21/05/2017 00:42

Marriage already wrecked

OP posts:
Original poster
cupcakesandrainbows · 21/05/2017 00:42

We just had blazing row about all this

OP posts:
ExplodedCloud · 21/05/2017 00:49

Your dm is not right here. Your DH is being reasonable. You cannot be 100% her daughter.
She needs help. Yes. But you have a husband and child who also need you. Your first duty is to your child, then your husband and then your mother. You cannot hijack their lives to parent your parent.

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