Absolute nightmare being stuck between DH and DM

[cupcakesandrainbows]

Help!

I can't take anymore.

My DM is driving me mad.

My DH is driving me mad.

Basically they don't get on v well and DH drives DM up wall and frankly, vice versa. DM is chronically ill and we nearly lost her last year, which nearly broke me. She's currently ok due to the treatment she's having, but for how long we don't know. She also has signs of possible dementia. Her house is a cluttered mess and we've tried to help her clear it and she's frankly gotten abusive with me for touching her stuff.

Anyway, I lost my DD 2 years ago to dementia. Which I'm devastated about. Terrified i could lose dm. Want to spent time with her when I can but am too depressed to sometimes.

Anyway she'll randomly turn up at ours and start criticising us for being messy. I've got a slipped disc, depression, anaemia and a lo who loves to make a house. I also work pretty much ft. So does dh.

The house next door to hers is on sale. She is furious dh won't move there and is currently having a blazing row with him. She said 'I want you both to be happy and not living like this in this mess but you both don't deserve it' and earlier had said my dh was 'not sharp' because he didn't want to move out of our current home for a multitude of reasons and cos it's just not possible to snap your fingers and just move bibity bopity boo.

Oh bloody hell I can hear them rowing now. I want to run away. I hate my life.

Im currently experiencing similar within my own family.

FOR NOW i suggest you and dh refuse to talk about your mum and concentrate on other stuff.

Until you're both ready to discuss it calmly, i would suggest you put some physical boundaries in place so that your dh and dm are not in the same room together.

Don't answer the door to her if she turns up randomly and dh is in the house.
Allow only pre-arranged visits.

i won't lie, it's going to be tough on you emotionally but you have to start from somewhere.

This will at least give you both control over your personal space and you don't have to listen to her rants.

When you both feel calmer you can discuss how to manage your mother.

What do you mean 'my own issues'?

Sorry that previous post was aimed at Runrabbit. Thank you to everyone else for your kind and non judgemental advice

cupcakes have you considered that you could be actually preventing her from getting the professional help she needs?

As a PP said, she's refusing outside carers because she knows that's the best way to keep you running after her or moving next door, which would surely be utter madness. If you made yourself less available she'd either manage or have to accept help - though I've no doubt it would come with a lot of tantrumming, telling others how awful you are and more

I have an exH who did what you're doing, which is a large part of why he's an ex ... maybe you need to think very carefully about who your priority is here?

She also has signs of possible dementia. Her house is a cluttered mess and we've tried to help her clear it and she's frankly gotten abusive with me for touching her stuff

Make an appointment to see her GP - don't tell her.
Inform him of the situation regarding your dm, he has a duty of care towards her and can get in touch with SS etc.
You can also request he refer her for a psychiatric assessment to determine what type and level of dementia/neurological issues you're dealing with.
Hopefully, this should give a diagnosis to work with.

I absolutely agree that she needs social services etc but she refuses and due to her having capacity there's nowt anyone can do about it

An assessment will determine what her 'official' capacity is....and for you to prove that she doesn't have the capacity to manage her day to day life you have to step back.

This means no cooking, cleaning, shopping etc.
The effects of not having a carer/support will soon become obvious.
By rejecting outside agencies/other support she's showing she does not have the capacity to ensure her own wellbeing.

my parents are separated but he's always had a key to come and go as he wished for years.
Everybody ignored my warnings and one day he tried to attack my dm with a knife.
At which point i put my foot down - knowing the fall out - and we took the key off him.

The fallout was bad....but it led to getting him the help he needs.

My way of dealing with the emotions was to keep telling myself it was the illness talking and not my dad - nowadays i don't take any of his comments to heart.

I don't think the OP can really ignore her mum at the door though, can she? It would take something really ridiculously huge for me to do that to my Mum. Her unreasonableness doesn't really seem big enough to me. Obviously it's up to you OP, you know your situation better than anyone else, but I wanted to be the other side of the coin in case you're feeling under pressure here!

Well for a month due to work I haven't cooked or shopped for her. I've seen her once a week or less. Oh and we've seen GP several times and GP CAME TO HER HOUSE AND HELPED DECLUTTER. But unfortunately even GP could do v little because she refused a ss assessment and told the district nurse to do one. Believe me, I've taken a step back. The gp is involved. They do sweet fa. Just like they did with my poor Dad. 😠

you can ignore anyone at your door.

You just have to decide on your boundaries before you let them in - was it arranged/will they behave etc

Then you let them in.

If they cross those boundaries you have to follow through with the consequences.

It's the only way to regain control over your personal space/your own home.
Currently the bad atmosphere created by not giving dm boundaries is harming op and her dh - and their marriage.

Thank you a Stickintime. I would never send Mum away. It takes her a long time to get here. I feel guilty for being off with her when she does turn up unexpectedly but I'd not tell her to go. Couldnymakethisshitup I'm so sorry about what you went through with your DD. You're incredibly strong

Even though it is annoying that she just turns up it is a massive effort for her to get here. I won't send her away. I yelled at DD when he used to turn up unexpectedly and now completely regret as I'd give anything to see him at my door but I never will again

Don't you think you have issues?

She is behaving very very badly towards you and your husband, you know she will treat you worse if you move next door to her, yet you are still having rows with your husband about it and feel stuck.

I thought you would think yourself that you must have quite serious mental health issues with boundaries and self-respect if you feel bad about stopping her doing this to you and your DH. Is that a controversial idea for you?