Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel like a complete fool!

44 replies

JasmineJones · 20/05/2017 08:23

Dear All!

I am new here and could really do with some advice. Like a fool, I am in a very dysfunctional relationship that I am not getting anything out of - Let's call him Mr Expensive - to this man, everything is expensive, you cannot go shopping with him, he does not like to spend any money "because everything is so expensive". I buy all the groceries, I cook every day the only things which he buys are "his" cereals, olives and cheese from his country.

Two days ago was my birthday and it was a special day for me as I have gone through a lot in the past few years. Anyway, he asked me where I wanted to go for dinner, I told him that I did not mind, he could choose where to take me.
On the morning of my birthday, I expected at least a card from him, nothing and he sent me flowers on WhatsApp. The arrangements were that we would attend a show together at the ExCel and then go to the restaurant after the show, on our way to the restaurant - he suggested that we gatecrash an event which we were not registered for and get free drinks. We ended up not going to the restaurant. What hurts most is that he could not even bother to get me a birthday card - this was my first birthday together.

On the way home, I was so upset that I confronted him for sending me flowers on WhatsApp instead of buying me flowers. This is not a young person, this man is in his late 40s. As soon as we arrived back at home, I went straight to bed. He went to Tesco Express and got me flowers at around 11 pm. His own birthday is coming up in a few months, It was my plans to make it special for him. Why would he not do it for me?

Yesterday, I wanted to put the whole episode behind us, however, he told me that he had to go and visit his friend's kids as she was out of the country. He was going to buy them KFC and then come back. I sent him a text at 9 pm, asking when he would be back. He responded that he "did not know", they were eating in a restaurant, at 11 pm, he sent to me a text that he was spending the night there because it was too late to ride his bike back.

Am I being paranoid or jealous? His friend has three children, two boys aged 12 and 17 and a 19 years old daughter.

As I typed this, he has not returned back home, the distance between his friend's house and home is just three miles. I feel like a complete fool and I want to be out of this mess!

OP posts:
rockabillyruby82 · 20/05/2017 08:27

Then get out of this mess, what's stopping you?

BrickInTheWall · 20/05/2017 08:28

He's a twat. You can do better.

Isetan · 20/05/2017 08:30

This is who he is, accept it or move on.

SpringTown46 · 20/05/2017 08:30

Get rid. Set your bar higher. He doesn't make the cut.

BumblebeeBum · 20/05/2017 08:32

Get out. He is not making you happy. He does not prioritise your happiness.

He is not Mr Expensive. He is Mr Cheap.

elQuintoConyo · 20/05/2017 08:34

Take your key back/change locks (if he has a key), any clothes or personal effects put in a bag by the front door. Once he has collected it all, block on your ohone and all social media.

"This isn't working for me" on repeat should do the trick. If you're feeling a bit fragile, practise that on a mirror.

You only have one life, don't waste it Flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/05/2017 08:34

The way to get out of this mess is to tell him that its not working for you and that it is over. Do so today via text if necessary, this individual needs to be gone from your day to day life. If he lives with you bag up all his stuff and change the locks.

You likely buy all the groceries and cook every day because he does not want to spend anything nor cook. He sees that as your job and he is inherently selfish and mean. He is a leech on your life.

You are being taken advantage of and this man has no feelings for you whatsoever. You've just been convenient to him and he is now dragging you down with him.

Why did you and he get together at all, why is your relationship bar so low?. Is this individual simply the latest in a long series of dysfunctional disasterous relationships. It this is the case you need to badly unlearn all the crap you have learnt about relationships along the way. What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

If you are a people pleaser, rescuer and or saviour all those tendencies need to be properly addressed now through counselling.

AddToBasket · 20/05/2017 08:38

Oh god, he's not going to change. This is horrible and will always make you feel cheap, cheap, cheap. You deserve a birthday present.

Buying things isn't the only drawback here is it? He lacks self-awareness, respect for your hopes and wishes, the inability to relax and have fun. He is also controlling and selfish.

Mean with money = just plain mean.

Lift your head and ask him to leave.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 20/05/2017 08:43

I would be betting he wasn't in the company of any under 18's. . . .

AhYerWill · 20/05/2017 08:45

So split up with him, honestly life is too short to stay with someone that makes you feel this way.

My life became immeasurably better when I left a relationship that made me feel crap and decided to set my bar higher. The core foundation for your choice of partner really should be someone that you respect and who adds to your life rather than detracts from it. He seems to tick neither of those boxes.

DownTownAbbey · 20/05/2017 08:46

So he'll spend money on his friends kids not you? Are they his kids? All very odd.

He's probably rubbing his hands together, chuckling to himself about the sweet deal he's got going on.

Badliar · 20/05/2017 08:50

Flowers on whatsapp? Never heard of that. What an insult.

Hermonie2016 · 20/05/2017 08:56

Why are you struggling to leave? You will never get treated like you deserve if you tolerate people who treat you badly.
You don't need permission to end it and you have valid reasons.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 20/05/2017 09:17

I think it's great he's taking on a paternal role with the kids. However it's really strange he's so tight with you. Does he pay any bills

scaryclown · 20/05/2017 09:19

I think this is the way the world is going, sadly. How much does he earn? Us it simply poverty?

prettywhiteguitar · 20/05/2017 09:22

Get rid of him, he just isn't that into you and you should be not that into him !! What on earth are you doing ??? He's hard work and you're just accepting it

flibberdy · 20/05/2017 09:28

Sorry Op, get rid.
I hope you have a better birthday next year. Plan yourself a lovely day in advance and celebrate you. One thing I have learnt is if you depend on others for happiness it isn't gonna come. And once you find 'the one' you won't need to depend on him for your happiness because you don't need it.
Mr Cheap sounds like a complete waste of space. Don't spend any more of your best years on him.
Do you have some good friends you can have a belated bday celebration with? Take your mind off this twerp.

Ellisandra · 20/05/2017 09:29

Does he live with you?
I can't work it out. You say you buy all the food, but you've been with him less than a year, so I'm not sure.

Bottom line: you say yourself that you don't get anything out of it, so the answer is clear - end it, move on.

But FWIW I think you're being a bit OTT about your birthday. Having a hard couple of years (during one of which he didn't even know you) doesn't make a birthday more special. Plus, plenty of adults don't see birthdays as a big deal - for me, it's an excuse to go out for dinner (which we do anyway) but not be princess for a day. Many people I find these days don't give cards but text instead. Granted, I would expect a boyfriend to get me a card - but I wouldn't care if he didn't if he acknowledged it other ways and was a good boyfriend. Many people don't give flowers. You told him you were upset about flowers - so he went out the same evening and got some for you! Who paid for the ExCel night out?
Nothing wrong with trying to get some free drinks!
How did it happen that you just didn't go to the restaurant? Did he shirk it? Refuse? Or did it get too late for you both? Didn't you say "I'm hungry now - let's eat"?

That's only my opinion on your birthday though.

You absolutely should dump him because that day aside, he lets you pay for all the food and you say you get nothing from this. It's cut and dried.

Teddy6767 · 20/05/2017 09:31

Bin him! He's making you feel unhappy and stressed.
You could meet someone else within the next year whose lovely to you and treats you how you deserve. Do you really want to end up with someone who makes no effort, is a massive cheapskate and makes you feel insecure?! He sounds like a real catch

Ellisandra · 20/05/2017 09:33

And he said he was spending the night and his friend's house, and at 08:23 you are posting that "he's still not back".

It wasn't even 08:30.

3 miles away or 3 doors away - at 08:30 this morning I'd have still been in bed!

He isn't suited to you, but honestly that's odd from your side too.

How have you ended up living with a man you've known less than a year?

user1490465531 · 20/05/2017 09:36

which country is he from op?

Bluntness100 · 20/05/2017 09:40

I'm not sure what's stopping you either. Do you live together? Why can't you just bin him?

iamreginaphalange · 20/05/2017 09:50

Get rid
Bin him
Run

Original poster
JasmineJones · 20/05/2017 10:19

Thank you for all the advice. I have read all of it and truly grateful to all of you.

Thank you so much. Such an eye-opener!

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 20/05/2017 10:20

Flowers on WhatsApp? Good grief.